Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's a Little Funny
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 25 | Aired on 08.30.2004
Later, at home, Matt sees Guido 2.0 and Spawn loading up her car to go to Vegas for an adult film convention. Spawn is all, "I don't belong here" and "this is what I am," and, like, whatever. If you're going to be in the industry, at least have a positive attitude about it. Otherwise you're just going to be miserable and end up a washed-up failure. That's the excuse I use for what happened to me, anyway. She and Guido 2.0 drive off.
Matt, Klitz, and Eli are sitting in a diner so they can all watch Matt beat himself up. "If I hadn't been such a dick and taken her to that motel room…" "Yeah, that was a little forward, don't you think?" Eli smirks. Prick. Klitz tells Matt the point is that Spawn has made her decision and there's nothing he can do. Matt, after an appropriate pause, disagrees.
Cut to the three of them in the car, making various excuses on their cell phones to their respective parents. Except Eli, who's behind the wheel saying, "God, I just wanna bang hot chicks." Way to blow their spot there, Eli.
Swingers isn't a teen movie, but we're stealing shamelessly from it anyway as they drive down the Strip, boggling at the lights. They end up downtown, at the Union Plaza. You know, I've stayed there twice and I've never seen a porn convention there. Once inside the hotel, the guys enter the convention area by passing through a giant, glowing, red tunnel that looks like the inside of a giant -- um -- girl part. They find themselves surrounded by sensory overload, although there aren't nearly as many naked boobies as one might expect. A plainclothes security guy grabs Eli, who's been pointing his video camera everywhere. Eli protests that he's not from the press; he's in high school. Why this doesn't get him thrown out just as quickly is a mystery, and they continue on their way.
Finally they spot a stage where Spawn is dancing and posing with a couple of colleagues. She's in full porn-star regalia, including a strawberry-blonde wig, more makeup than summer school, transparent pants, and the pseudonym Athena. She drops into slow motion as Matthew stares at her. You know, Matt, I'm sure that slow motion thing is a perfectly charming habit in the early stages of a relationship, but it's going to get annoying if the two of you are ever in a hurry to catch a plane or make it to a movie on time. Matthew ignores me and runs up to the stage, hollering love words at her over the din. Spawn loses her cool and abandons the stage to groans from the crowd. A different kind of groaning than that which was already going on, I mean. Matt chases after her and AAAAAH! MY EYES! He runs past a guy in a big, plush pig suit, and furries freak me out enough as it is, but this one is equipped with a gigantic, fuzzy, erect penis whose length is almost equal to the height of the suit. He looks like a huge, pink, obscene letter L. Someone had better rock me to sleep tonight. As Matt pursues Spawn, she's intercepted by oily Hey! It's That Guy James Remar in an Armani suit and matching bodyguards. Matt hangs back as she greets this gentleman as "Hugo," and the guy talks about how her place in the adult film industry is on top, with him. If this guy's such a porn big shot, he should know that they can't both be on top. Guido 2.0 appears out of nowhere, commenting, "Nice tan." "What do we say?" Hugo asks him. "Fuck you?" Guido 2.0 tries. Hugo takes his leave. Guido 2.0 finally spots Matt standing there and wants to know what he's doing. Matt has this whole speech about how he doesn't think Spawn wants to be there. Spawn intercedes, begging Matt to go home. And then she leaves. Guido 2.0 puts a commiserating arm around Matt and leads him off to a storage room. People keep putting their arms around Matthew, have you noticed that?
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