Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's a Little Funny
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 25 | Aired on 08.30.2004
They enter with minimal breaking and Guido 2.0 says, "After this, we're cool." They split up inside the house, then Guido 2.0 disappears back out the door, stripping off his gloves and humming jauntily.
Matt creeps through the house and freezes at an open doorway. Hugo appears to be sleeping inside the room, and his face is turned away, but the cigarette in the ashtray next to him hasn't been burning for very long. Meanwhile, Guido 2.0 dials his cell phone to report a robbery. Matt approaches the artifact the Guido 2.0 sent him in for: a foot-high golden cock situated on a pedestal. Aw, a cute little scale model! It's very Raiders of the Lost Ark, which is not a teen movie, although lots of teenagers have seen it. As Matt reaches for the Porn Oscar (and, I'm sorry, but this Hugo guy is supposed to be a genius and he's only got one of them? They were handing them out like candy in Boogie Nights), a parrot squawks. "Bang me!" The award appears to be for something called Chitty Chitty Gang Bang. That's so funny I can barely roll my eyes. "Cradle the balls," the parrot adds. Matt grabs the trophy, and suddenly Hugo is standing there in his thong, watching him. Most of the ass in this movie belongs to men, I'm noticing. Matt bolts, and Hugo sics his attack parrot on him. What? Of course it's an attack parrot. Matt flees his avian pursuer down the hallway and hits the back doors so hard they fall down from where they were just sort of leaning against the frame. Matt shakes the bird and makes it back to the road just in time to watch Guido 2.0 depart with a heartfelt one-finger salute. Matt chases the car, but a squad car with its siren blasting arrives and he dives over the embankment, golden cock still in hand. The cops pass him by as he dials his cell phone.
Somehow, Klitz and Eli manage to show up and extract him from the crime scene. He freaks out about the time, what with being a half hour late to his big dinner, then abruptly takes a sharp turn into the deeply weird and strokes Klitz's face. He doesn't use the Porn Oscar to do this, sadly. "I just feel so good," he says. This is why, whatever movie you're in, you should always take whatever drugs Timothy Olyphant offers you. They pull up to his house, and Spawn dashes out with an armload of clothes and shoes. She's carrying too much for us to enjoy the spectacle of her running the way we normally do. She instantly realizes that Matt's been drugged up by the way he waves at her through the car window, and by the fact that he suddenly has drug hair. Minutes later, she's getting him into his suit and tie in the backseat as Klitz tears down the road. Also, Joe Walsh and the James Gang are playing on the soundtrack, because Joe Walsh is the official music of drugs or something.
They arrive at the hall with Matt's hair moussed out all crazy-like and blood still crusted under his nose and on his forehead. Way to make him presentable, guys. He tries not to tweak too much as Spawn guides him towards the banquet room. "Just go with it," she tells him, because that's worked up till now. Everyone turns to stare at them when they enter, and he finds several ways to embarrass himself on the way to the table. And then there's a whole montage of embarrassment, which is a relief because I was starting to go through montage withdrawal. I won't go into details, because you get it and it's not funny. Well, it's a little funny, but not enough.
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