Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's a Little Funny
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 25 | Aired on 08.30.2004
Well, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It had a sweet ending, and…wait. During the closing credits, Matthew walks serenely and confidently through the halls at school, nodding pleasantly at the suspicious principal. Eli catches up to him and walks alongside him, grinning: "You're coming with me right now." Hey, what about the closing credits?
Not for a while, I guess. That was just the end of act one. Which means we're about due for a plot point. Maybe that's what Eli's got in his hand there. What form do you suppose it will take? Eli blows into the AV lab, Matthew in tow, and kicks everyone out. I guess he's the president of the AV club, going by the way everyone jumps when he calls them "minions." Eli makes a little exaggerated small talk with Matthew, who can barely hear him over the pinging of his own internal radar. Matthew sits down in a chair in front of a TV screen as Eli brandishes a videotape. He gives a little speech and pops it in. There's a close-up on the seconds ticking by on the VCR counter. Aw, how sweet of them to make me feel at home. On the screen, a couple of Caucasian guys do offensive imitations of Asian karate guys in white pajamas. A strawberry blonde in a kimono appears -- why, hey, it's Spawn again! Who'da thunk? She drops the robe, and finally -- we see her naked back. Oh, for God's sake. As Spawn's performance progresses, Matthew goes through the first two stages of Kübler-Ross right there in the chair, intercut with extreme close-ups of naked, G-rated bits of skin on the screen. And more of the VCR counter. Finally he bolts out of the lab, Eli close behind him. Matthew storms down the hall while Eli exhorts him not to mess it up: "Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast." Okay Eli, he can take her to a motel room, or he can not mess it up. Eli even invokes Matthew's hero: "What would JFK do? You know he'd tap that ass." Matthew shakes off Eli, but as he walks out the school's front door past a huge crowd of students, Eli bursts out behind him: "Goddammit, Matt, I swear to God if you don't fuck her, I'll kill myself! Matt, please, please, Matt! Fuck her for me! For meeee!" It's a really good thing Deborah isn't seeing this.
Matthew drives home and finds Spawn in the living room with MattMom, looking at photo albums. "I just saw you naked," Spawn tells him impishly. Good thing Matt's such a cool character, or else those pants would be ruined. MattMom assures him he was only two days old in the picture in question. Matthew's all, "What are you doing here," and Spawn totally misses the vibe. She tips her head back and laughs at another picture, and Matt flashes into a High Fidelity vision of Spawn reenacting the restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally... to the accompaniment of some unsubtle wakka-chicka. Suddenly his dad pops up behind him, startling him out of his dream sequence. I just realized that MattDad played the lead on That's My Bush!, which explains his clueless grin. MattDad delivers a glass of milk to Spawn, who politely puts it down, unzips MattDad's pants, grabs his ass, and starts smoking that cock (as always, shown from behind) amid further wakka-chicka and disturbing paternal moans of "Who's your daddy?" Okay, we got it. Matthew's back to reality again. Spawn and the MattRents make some small talk, and as Matthew watches, Spawn undoes her vest, shows the tiniest flash of bra, and starts mauling MattMom while MattDad sits next to them complacently. And the wakka, she is again chicking. Matt freaks out and everyone stares at him. Did I mention that we get it?
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