Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's a Little Funny
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 25 | Aired on 08.30.2004
Back in the Spawnmobile, pulling over at the curb. Matthew says he's not stripping again. Spawn just giggles and hops out of the car, running up the nearest yard and disappearing between two houses in slow motion. As you do. Matthew follows, but he doesn't have the hang of the slow motion thing yet. He catches up with Spawn, who magically knew that this particular backyard contained a swimming pool. She's kicking off her shoes as Matthew begs her to leave. They don't even know that nobody's home. His inhibitions disappear, however, at about the same time that her jeans do. Shades of Reckless. She dives in in her bra and underwear, and he carefully joins her in the water. She asks him, again, what's the craziest thing he's done lately. Spawn, there are permutations of "crazy" besides inappropriate nudity. They begin to drift towards each other just as the lights come on in the house. Which of course belongs to his principal. Matthew does some more mild freaking out, and Spawn just laughs. More of the "It's not funny"-"It's a little funny"-cakes. She tells him to just go with it, whatever that means. The principal peers out his window, but all he sees is a couple of unrecognizable kids getting out of his pool and running off. If Spawn's underwear has gone transparent, it's too far away to see. The principal shares my frustration.
Eli and Klitz are sitting on a couch. Eli's got a remote in his hand again. So far, that's all he's holding, but the soundtrack of whatever they're watching implies that that could change at any moment. Klitz says, "Dude, I'm kind of uncomfortable watching this with you." Eli shushes him with what he means to be a comforting hand on Klitz's thigh, but Klitz reacts as if he's been burned. Homophobia is funny. The doorbell rings. Eli answers it, and there's Spawn with the "I'm all wet, can I come in?" bit from the commercial. Eli and Klitz stare at her, at a loss, until Matthew appears behind her, giggling, with the news that they're all "going out." Spawn wants to use the bathroom first, and the three of them watch her jeans-clad ass disappear down the hall, with much reverent "dude"-ing.
Spawn, now in a completely new outfit, leads the three guys to a party at what looks like a plantation house, except for the many drunken teenagers behaving raucously on the front lawn. This, I am counting as stolen from Sixteen Candles, and you can't stop me. Spawn turns heads, 'cause that's what she does. Or am I giving something away too early? As they emerge through the house into the even more debauched back yard, Klitz and Eli, who have dropped behind, get accosted and cut from the little herd. Matt and Spawn don't appear to notice. But Spawn's been noticed by Jock #1, who deploys his wingmen and makes his move. He approaches the new couple and introduces himself, eye-fucking Spawn so hard she can probably taste cornea. As he slathers her with sex-voodoo, Jock #2 takes Matthew off to one side to explain that "this party's getting kinda full, bro…you're gonna have to take off." Matthew looks over at where Jock #1 is handing Spawn a drink. Jock #2 assures Matthew, "It's cool. She's taken care of. There's the door." Bad host. Bad! He walks off to leave Matthew standing there, stewing in his own impotence. Matthew looks around. He's making his own montage with his eyes. Klitz and Eli have somehow acquired drinks now. Honeys get macked, drinks get drunk, Spawn and Jock #1 hit it off. Suddenly another dude appears, flinging a companionably drunk arm around Matthew and demanding, "When's Samsung getting here?" "Samnang," Matthew corrects. Drunk guy announces, "I love him. I'm going to do that little guy when he gets here. Hard." If his skills in bed match his ability to drive a joke into the ground, I have no doubt. Matthew excuses himself to a hearty "Woo! Sanyo!" Suddenly filled with resolve, he walks over, interposes himself between Spawn and Jock #1, and wraps his lips around hers. She drops her drink and kisses him back as the camera circles, a common trick directors use when they want to cover up the real reason their audiences suddenly feel nauseated. A defeated Jock #1 wanders off as Matthew and Spawn continue to make out in the center of the camera's dizzying orbit. Freeze frame. Fade to black.
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