Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's a Little Funny
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 25 | Aired on 08.30.2004
We're in the aforementioned VW as Spawn silently drives Matthew along an abandoned suburban road. Awkward. She abruptly pulls over, unhooks her seatbelt, and turns to face him. "What are we doing?" he asks. "Did you like what you saw?" is Spawn's first line. Well, for the unrated, "too hot for theaters" DVD cut of a movie with an R rating, I kind of expected a little more. Matthew tries to play innocent, but quickly breaks down under the pressure of her blank stare. He opens his mouth and a couple of seconds later he's shitting bricks, one of which contains his foot. Boy, that went right through him. Finally he gives up and simply says he's sorry. Spawn's not satisfied. "You saw me," she points out. Matthew realizes what she means and flatly says, "Never gonna happen."
That's a line which, of course, is like a Bat-signal to the ironic segue fairy, who the next second has him standing in his tighty-whities in the glare of Spawn's headlights. Her car headlights, people; we're not going to see the other ones, ever. She's insisting on the full Monty, and he resists until she blasts the horn. He drops his unda-pants on the street and says, "Happy now?" Which is her cue to gun the engine at him. He darts out of the way and she somehow snatches the undies off the street without appearing to open her car door. She has long arms. "Yup," she chirps as she drives past his naked ass. Which could also be a stunt ass. He takes off after her.
An unknown amount of time later, he's still jogging down the street, but he's acquired an inner tube that he's holding around his waist. I don't know. A laughing Spawn pulls up next to him as he keeps trotting. "You're an asshole," he observes, and I can't believe this movie said in less than twenty minutes something I've been waiting for somebody to notice for three whole seasons of 24. He says it's not funny. "It's a little funny," she giggles. He tries to get in the moving car, begging her to unlock the door. She does, and he awkwardly ditches the inner tube (if there's a way to non-awkwardly ditch an inner tube around your waist while simultaneously jogging and getting into a moving car while naked, I hope I never have occasion to employ it) and hops in. I think she likes him, if she's willing to let him pucker up and kiss the shotgun seat of her cute little car like that. He restates his opinion that it's not funny, and she insists that it's a little funny. Very little.
Now they're in a diner as Matthew watches her doodle with crayons on a paper placemat. Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Except the part where she's a porn star. That doesn't come up at all. She just says she wants to "start over." Matthew tries to smoothly bring up the subject of whether she has a boyfriend, but this kid's about as smooth as a washboard and she smiles, "Just ask me." He does, and she doesn't. "Weren't you going to ask if I have a girlfriend?" he says. That's a no, too. She thinks you're gay, Matt. She brings up the subject of his impending graduation, and he tries to play the part of the nutty, "off-the-hook" senior. She asks him, "What's the craziest thing you've done lately?" Aside from stripping in the street, nothing. "What about your girlfriend?" Spawn asks. Matthew just shrugs at that. Spawn launches into her prescription for the kind of girl she thinks he needs: "Definitely someone cute…someone who can make him laugh [at which Matthew laughs for no reason]…but he also needs someone who's going to push him…someone who's going to make him do things he never thought he could do." She hands him the doodle she's been working on, a fairly abstract self-portrait. Now, Spawn, it's not nice to tease closeted high-schoolers.
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