Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's a Little Funny
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 25 | Aired on 08.30.2004
He turns to Matt: "You really care about her, huh?" Matt really does. Because she's pretty. Guido 2.0 explains that a "payment plan" will need to be backed by a gesture of good faith. Say, a blowjob. Matt doesn't think Spawn will go for it. "Who said anything about her?" Guido 2.0 answers. Uh-oh. "We're definitely outside the box now, huh? How far are you willing to go? How much do you really care about her?" This is all while he's slowly undoing his pants. Matt's frozen in place. Sadly, we never get an answer to Guido 2.0's questions, because he cracks up and admits he's joking. Imagine my shock. They have themselves a good laugh, but the mood abruptly changes again as Guido 2.0 punches Matthew in the face and rains a few more heavy blows on his head. I could keep rewinding and watching that all day. Guido 2.0 gets tired of it long before I do, however, and he stops after an all-too-brief interval. "You want to be President?" he pants. Dude, lay off the smokes; that "beating" lasted, like, five seconds. "Let me tell you the first rule of politics," he continues. Don't be married to an ex-porn star? No, it's "Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze." I don't know what that means; I just know it sounds kind of dirty. Fortunately, Guido 2.0 is here to explain it all: "It means you don't steal my girl unless you're ready to accept the consequences." He looks to see if his little lesson is sinking in, but Matt's too busy bleeding and cringing in his seat. A wave of contrition overtakes Guido 2.0, and he offers Matt an aspirin bottle and a sincere-sounding apology. Matt doesn't seem inclined to accept either one, but Guido 2.0 insists. He further explains that he's going to get out of the way, but Matt has to do something for him first.
They're walking slowly down the path, and Guido 2.0 gives us his backstory. It seems he and Hugo were partners back in the day, and then Hugo stole his idea and his girls and made millions of dollars. Guido 2.0 is donning a pair of black leather gloves as he explains this, and Matt notices spent shotgun shells littering the ground. That can't be good. What offends Guido 2.0 is the now-common perception that Hugo is the genius. "Look at me," he laments. "I'm fuckin' Garfunkel."
They creep through a hedge onto the well-kept grounds surrounding a mansion that is, presumably, Hugo's. Matt's having second thoughts about what they're about to do, not least of all because he has to be at the dinner where he's delivering his speech in an hour. Guido 2.0 is unsympathetic. "Sometimes, to do something good, you gotta do something bad." "But this is breaking and entering," Matt whines. "This is politics," says Guido 2.0. Can't argue with that.
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