Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 60 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT The Smartest Guy In The Room
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 17 | Aired on 01.28.2014
Only rather than leaving those plays on the copier to fend for themselves, she Emilys up and takes 'em back to teacher's classroom, as is the Pam Hastings way. Not worth doing if it's not worth doing well, even if it means getting murdered by an entire high school coming to voracious life. Which is what happens.
Suddenly there's cookie-monster emo metal coming out of the speakers, intermittently with loud static like a plane endlessly landing, and an LCD banner at the end of the hall -- which was conspicuous, to my special eyes, earlier on -- suddenly starts saying mean shit to her, which is by far the most amazing and wonderful thing of the episode. I might love it more than Tory Burch boots sticking out like Nessarose from the dirt, or that little psychic boy in Brookhaven, or really anything that is not The Grunwald:
ACT NORMAL, BITCH!
I mean, that is by far the best thing the LCD banner could have said. That is some "demon fashion show" quality signage. I still involuntarily clap my hands together when I think about it, almost 24 hours later. ACT NORMAL, BITCH! What a disconcerting fucking thing for an inanimate object to yell at you about, you know? Like the building's already shaking and you've already got ninjas up your ass and then just randomly...
It's like the blowjob in The Shining. That's the only thing I can compare it to. Everything is going crazy and you could not possibly get into a weirder situation and then what's that over there? Oh just a dude in a furry costume blowing somebody, no big deal. How come? Don't know, keep running. Keep it moving, girl.
I want it on a little pillow, so I never forget. Both the wonderful, tummy-ache joy I have taken in it, and also because it is good advice. Maybe I will just put a Post-It on my bathroom mirror. I'll have my pick of gentlemen suitors then, I'm sure of it.
Gay Fella: "Uh, 'Act Normal, Bitch'?"
Jacob: "Yeah, and you better, too."
Eventually she ends up barricaded in a classroom, trying desperately to not sound like what is happening is happening as she calls her father. Like, this is how awesomely cool and Canadian Emily is: "...Anyway, as soon as you get this message, please come to the school and pick me up immediately."
Immediately, if you please. Look for the small beautiful girl screaming holy fucking murder out a shattered window, with everything on fire around me and a hoodie ninja chucking shit at my head. Just as soon as it's convenient.
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