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What a freakin' thrillride! I was so into it I had no idea how long it had been on or how much show there was left. I was just sort of pinned to my chair, like Hanna in the dentist's office. But let's not skip to the end, like she would.
Emily has to hang out with Aria, now that she's pissed at Spencer for ruining her Alison reunion and Hanna for not giving a shit about her drama. Aria, since Byron's out of town and Ella's still in an Austrian cupcake castle, is mothering Mikey just about to death. But thanks to the school's hip new guidance counselor Jesse -- specifically his support group for troubled kids, such as Mikey and Mona -- she may be losing her brother altogether: Guess who's canoodling with him in broad daylight these days? Yes, the Vanderwaal Wonderwall herself, who makes a good sell for herself as innocent victim of circumstance when it suits her, but has graduated otherwise to closed-door meetings with Ezra.
...Who is so fantastic in this episode. Him and Aria both, separately. Emily's dad is convinced yet more schoolwork is going to solve Emily's emotional problems for some reason, and Ezra happily forces her into copy-making duty in the late hours to "help out." Meanwhile, Aria starts eleven kinds of shit with Maggie, who's back in town solely to piss Ezra off, from what I can tell. But that's not the big Ezra news.
The big Ezra news is that Spencer -- who is now getting Adderall from Hot Nerd Andrew, upsettingly enough -- is using her hyperadrenalized, methed-up mind to decode the copy of the Diary on her phone, and uses this to track Alison's mystery date to a pub where she runs into Ezra, who proceeds to order the exact same beer-and-pie combo that Alison talked about her older lover enjoying. And the name of the beer? BOARD SHORTS ALE. Deal with it! I will give you a minute!
But of course she holds off on destroying Aria's life until she can do more drugs so she can find more clues so she can do more drugs to find those clues. Plus, she doesn't really have a moment to talk about it, given that:
1) Hanna ends up ambushed, drugged, and implanted in her mouth with secret A messages (quit looking, etc.) after an undercover mission to the dentist's office, which she is still waking up from as:
2) An incredibly terrifying night begins for Emily, as the entire high school turns on her and starts blasting cookie-monster metal and flashing mean LCD signs at her in the hallways ("ACT NORMAL, BITCH!" being the most amazing part of the episode) and eventually her dad has to climb up to a window to save her from A, only to them immediately keel over with a heart attack or something!
Oh my God it was a trip and a half. But in the end, the Liars band together once again. in fear and affection (and amateur dental surgery), so all is right with the world.
Week: Like I barely care at this precise moment? Because I am still freaking out about this week's episode. (Act normal, bitch!) But I can tell you that Spencer is only going to take more drugs to figure out the deal with Boardshorts and Ezra and all that, which is probably going to cancel itself out, credibility speaking, at the worst time. I base this theory partly on Saved By The Bell and Sherlock, but mostly on how homegirl was looking pretty goddamn cranked even before she started doing the drugs, tbh.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
The Liars went to a bed and breakfast over and over. Or rather, they tried, but things kept happening. It was a real mess. Then Alison sent Shana to tell Emily that she was not jerking her around for the first time ever, and even though Emily is ambivalent about her situation she went to grill Ali with hugs -- only to be stymied by the very nosy Spencer Hastings, who is feeling out of control lately and thus must be up on everybody's jock. Now Emily hates Spencer for reasons that everybody understands but nobody wants to articulate.
Hanna kissed Travis (CREEPING) so Ashley taught her to destroy things, instead of people. Ezra took his bloody foot revenge on Jake for warning Aria about his night screaming, which he said was about Maggie denying him access to another man's child that he barely knows. Oh, and he chased the girls around his secret molester cabin, getting back Ali's diary in the first place. Luckily, Spencer scanned the whole thing into her phone, which took probably a thousand hours of doing that, so now everybody has the diary. to all of these things, Sean Faris and Roma Maffia came to town to investigate the deaths of the NAT Club's various perverted policemen, but once Mona got Ashley out of jail and CeCe went on the run, they just kind of disappeared.
MONTGOMERY
Aria and Emily have just been to a "chick flick," which I'm guessing was not very fun and had subtitles, which is the universe's way of saying, "If you won't hang out with Spencer, and Hanna won't pick a side, you're left doing stupid Aria shit with Aria."
Inside the house is a ruckus! Mikey is throwing a laxbro party full of makeouts, pizza, and movies. The three gateway drugs of all teens. That's how Jason DiLaurentis started doing the weed, I believe. Aria, not satisfied with ruining Emily's night already, immediately shuts that shit down. It's ironic because she was just nattering at Emily about how Spencer was only trying to protect her by dicking up her Alison meeting, and now here she is being protective in the same dorky, life-ruining way.
Aria, verbatim: "No, I'm not chillin'!"
SPENCE
Is trying to decipher the diary on her phone, having left blanks for the words she can't understand in Ali's insane bubble writing. She dials Hanna so smoothly that it seems like she is calling the diary page itself.
Spencer: "Hello, is this Alison's Diary?"
Hanna: "No, it is Hanna. I have gone crazy in a new way. Let me tell you about James Patterson. He is a mystery writer and I think maybe his understanding of the criminal mind will..."
I have never read a book of his, although we share a birthday so obviously he is a premium human: It is written in the stars. Also I think my very hip mom once mentioned enjoying his YA books, which from what I have pieced together involve magic teenagers that are half bird and like to drive cars real fast. Or the cars are magic? Or possibly it is the cars that are part bird. I don't know, sounds fun either way.
Spencer: "You're reading grandma books? Is Travis reading them to you?"
Hanna: "First of all, sick burn. Secondly, don't be an ass. Third of all, no. I no longer have time to make Travis feel weird about me and his own body, for I have discovered genre literature."
Spencer: "I feel like this is actually going to factor into this episode, somehow. Listen, do you think that Alison's mystery date would involve novels and travel, or shovels and gravel?"
Hanna: "Given every moment of our lives so far, plus Ali's wacky ways, the latter. Although if the date were Aria, totally the former. Anyway, I gotta go read like a hundred more books by this guy so I can figure out who the dead girl is in Ali's grave."
Spencer: "Is this your life now?"
Hanna: "Until Emily stops being pissed at me for not being pissed at you, my only friend is Mr. Patterson."
Spencer: "I totally thought James Patterson was that kid in World History that sniffs his fingers."
Hanna: "Is he half bird?"
MONTGOMERY
Aria and Emily are both rocking a tremendous amount of hair. Aria is wearing I think regular skinny jeans, a checkerboard button-down, and a plastic jacket in eye-burning aqua along with one necklace too many. Emily is dressed like a Mata Hari superspy, as usual -- uses her wits, her skills, her sex appeal in equal measure -- mixing it up with a graphic tee that is red with an orange lightning symbol like she is super.
Upstairs you find Mona, just chilling in Aria's bedroom like it is no big thing. Too bad that Spencer and Hanna, her frenemies, are on the other side of the Liar Schism this week: Either one of them would have something to say to her. But because it's Aria -- who barely clocks who Mona even is -- and Emily -- who hates everyone and everything indiscriminately right now -- they have to just work with side-eye and bitchiness and hope she doesn't strike. Aria really rocks this scene.
Aria: "Get the fuck out of my bedroom, you creep. Why are you in my house?"
Mona: "Because I am friends with Mike. Does that blow your mind?"
Aria: "I've met his friends and honestly, no it does not."
Mona, FTW: "This may come as a shock to you, but there are people who don't tuck and roll whenever I walk into a room."
She compliments the wallpaper on her way out, how it suits Aria, which is a total in your face: The wallpaper is a toile print of a carnival made of tiny dead birds, a rare amusement from Victorian times. Tiny dead bird ringmaster hollering into a megaphone while tiny dead birds ride pennyfarthings around a giant spherical cage and a tiny dead bird with a chair and a whip tames a tiny dead bird.
AM
Aria: "Michael, a word?"
Mikey: "Sup."
She fully summons him into the room to like, mediate his childhood for him and how she doesn't want to be a hardass but also she is a cool mom but that doesn't mean there aren't rules. She does this in an aqua Navajo racer-back tank-top with a metal dickie, which you would think would undermine her point but really it just underscores the topsy-turvy world of Aria Montgomery telling you how you should do anything. If this is who's driving the bus now, Mikey thinks to himself, We are all laxboned.
Aria: "Explain Mona Vanderwaal."
Mikey: "I met her in a sort of discussion group. Like an after-school meeting thing."
Aria: "That sounds like Jesus. You're being evasive in a Jesusy way. Or is this for terrorists?"
Mikey: "More the latter. It is for people who do things such as break into houses to steal guns, or are A. It is for crazies."
Aria: "But surely there must be a faculty supervisor..."
Mikey: "The one that knows Mona spent years of her life trying to murder us retired. Now it's just some dummy who thinks he's helping It Get Better."
Aria: "Not to mention she broke up our parents."
Mikey: "Pretty sure that was Dad and good ol' Meredith that did that. And you spent a whole episode forgiving him for that shit."
HASTINGS
Emily's wearing plaid, so you know something is about to occur.
Dad: "Nobody can figure out why your GPS tried to kill you that time. Do you think it was a hacker ninja?"
Emily: "Oh, hell. Well, I'm not driving that shit from now on."
Dad: "Are you going crazy at all? Is it about that time a car drove all the way into our house?"
Emily: "Not particularly! Which is odd now that you mention it!"
FITZ
Let's hang out with Maggie, shall we? That's always fun. She informs Ezra that she didn't bring Malcolm back with her to close out her storage and apartment and stuff. Aria, summoned by the Batsignal that is her every waking thought being about Ezra, immediately interrupts. Will she stay quiet? No, not even after Ezra gives her the go-away eyes.
Aria: "Are we still fucking talking about Malcolm?"
Maggie: "NOPE!"
Maggie takes off, and we learn that Aria's geometric metal-collar thing is actually an entire dress. Or possibly it is separates from a 1986 Butterick. Either way she is boning everybody's business up in style.
Aria: "Maggie doesn't seem very remorseful about the Jerry Springer bullshit, frankly."
Ezra: "Flying off the handle won't help. Unless it is at random lawyers. And anyway, have you noticed my curricular theme this year? It is all about split personalities. So when I say karma is a bitch, what I'm saying is that Maggie is going to die."
This gives Aria pause. Or maybe it's just that her breath is taken away by how beautiful Ezra becomes in these odd moments where he is fully A without even trying to hide it.
BOOK STORE
That one open-air book fair where Mona and Ezra began their dance of death now plays stage to Hanna's run-in with Officer Sean Faris, keeping it casual in his civvies. She is there to buy books so she can read them, now that she knows about the joys of reading. He is there, probably, to act shysty.
Gabriel Holbrook: "If you like thrillers you should try the Swedish authors. They are the best! Plus, between the sexual assaults and family secrets, they are the closest to the bleak fucking life that is growing up in Rosewood PA."
Hanna: "I don't even like Swedish meatballs. Or you."
Holbrook: "Hey, sorry about ruining your entire life and stuff. Is your Mom okay?"
Hanna: "Are you giving me the eye right now?"
Holbrook: "Nope, just my face."
Hanna: "Fish in the sea and the water's warm, my friend."
LOCKERS
Hanna: "Do you like my insane Nora Charles trenchcoat outfit? It is for sleuths."
Emily: "Yes but I can't say it because I am mad at the world! And guess what, the GPS isn't haunted! It was A!"
Hanna: "That's totally reasonable, but I'm gonna push back anyway for some reason."
Emily: "Come to The Brew later and you can watch A reprogram the cappuccino machine to melt my face off."
Hanna: "I like this attitude on you. But please be the stable one this week. I mean, the sociopathic mind feeds on intricate patterns, it would drive A to own up to having done someth..."
Emily: "BTW, none of us like that you have taken up reading. You're like the Punky Brewster version of Spencer with this crime novel stuff, and it's freaking us all out."
Hanna: "I am a sleuth! Do not deny my calling! My sleuth-truth!"
Emily: "Every rock you turn over gets hurled at Alison. Spencer too."
Hanna: "Speaking of new things we're doing that freak everybody out, can you drop the Spencer shit? It's driven me to literature already, what's ?"
Just as Hanna's comparing the tension to carrying messages between her parents mid-divorce -- ugh -- Spencer walks up to apologize to Emily, and is brutally rebuffed.
QUAD
Aria walks into a horrific scene of Mikey and Mona, canoodling. I can't see a downside to this, but you know Aria's gonna trump some kinda bogus complaint up. She's a mom now, while Byron's out of town, and she can't afford to get lax. Especially about her bro.
Aria: "Okay, stop. Drop the cougar crap and tell me why you're after a tenth grader. What turns you on more, the fact that he shares my DNA or that you have full access to my bedroom?"
Have I: (Yet mentioned how awesome Aria is, this season?)
Mona: "Jesse warned me this would happen... The new guidance counselor? I am a big fan, so obviously he is bonkers in some way. Anyway, it was him that hooked us up."
Aria: "But how is this about me?"
Mona: "I'll say it again. I got Hanna's Mom out of jail, and suddenly you all fucking ditched me. Right after the charges were dropped, iced out. I am fucking sick of trying to be friends with you bitches. Now I'm running with a different crowd. (A crowd that is your family and your boyfriend, but nevertheless.)"
Aria: "Whatever. I'm sure that doesn't affect me personally in any other way, so I'm going to stick to being mad about just one part of it."
Because it's the Liars, the fact that Mona seems more authentic in this scene than almost any other time -- and the fact that Aria seems to be registering this on some level -- will have zero effect on how mean they are to Mona. Which proves her point, I guess, but the thing about forgiveness is, if you have to demand it, you are getting way ahead of yourself. "I have decided that you're not allowed to be mad at me anymore about the horrible thing I did" is a very ass-backward way to roll. So yes, she has a point, but it's because she didn't come knocking on the door that makes it kosher: Aria is yelling at her, she responds sensibly. But then, if she is doing this to mess with Aria -- which, even if she isn't, she's begging the question, which is even tackier -- that puts the Liars in the right again. Oh Mona. You do bewitch, and additionally bewilder.
ANDREW! ANDREW!
Spencer: "Andrew! Back from being Rosewood amounts of scary on The Fosters, the best new show on television and one of the best shows of all time?"
Andrew: "Just makin' copies. Want to quiz each other about Physics? Because we have a test?"
Spencer: "We what? I am droppin' balls left and right! I better start doing drugs."
Andrew: "You kind of already look like you are. I mean, in the context of you always look amazing."
Spencer: "Just lie to the teacher for me, and after school deliver your notes to my house."
Andrew: "Uh, okay. I will also possibly bring you drugs. With a face like this, I can pretty much just make people do things too."
FITZ
Mona: "Mr. Fitz, you rang?"
Ezra: "Get in here and close the door."
Mona: "Yep."
They both have goofy, creepy, crazy A-Team smiles on their faces. What a beautiful moment! What a wonderful time to be alive in America. To see something so wonderful being born.
THE BREW
I forgot how awesome Sean Faris talks! Say some shit! Read me a book!
Hanna comes back from the bathroom still wearing her bizarre Hagrid-looking trenchcoat, and rains hell down on a busboy for moving her book when she was almost at the end. But of course he did not move the book, so she like vaguely apologizes.
Holbrook: "Two pages from the end? I just saw you yesterday. Man, once you learned to read it was a whole new ballgame, huh?"
Hanna: "I always start at the end."
Holbrook: "Of a mystery novel? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. You're missing the whole point of the thing. The middle is where shit gets weird!"
Hanna: "Fine, so tell me what happens. Among the fa-jords."
Holbrook: "...Still not getting it. Okay, well, it's only your first week of literacy. You'll figure it out eventually probably. Here's a hint, it's related to the dental records."
Hanna: "Like are used to identify bodies?"
Holbrook: "Always comes down to teeth, doesn't it."
Um, what?
JESSE
Looks like ... a former child actor? I don't know how to explain it but that's what he looks like. And although Holly Combs has been a hero of mine for a long time, I never did watch Charmed, which he was on. So I will say merely that he looks also a little like a Rosewood version of Sam Huntington, who is widely known as a rare beauty on par with the Russell Toveys and Chris Pratts of the world.
Aria: "Hello, I am here for Guidance."
Jesse: "Come right in and shut the door. What's your name?"
Aria: "Aria Montgomery."
Jesse: "Guess I better open that door right back up. Yikes."
Aria: "The old counselor, his head sweat a lot. Like a cheese. Listen, how is your crazy people support group selected? Did you put them all together, or..."
Jesse: "It's at-will. Why?"
Aria: "Mikey's made a friend with a bad news bear."
Jesse: "You're talking about Mona, right?"
Aria: "Ha! Yes. You get it."
Jesse: "No, I just know basic shit. Go on."
Aria: "How do I... I'm not sure how to put this politely... Mona Vanderwaal is the fucking Devil."
Jesse: "#MonaIsTheDevil. Lol, you need to be in my crazy people group. You are an angry little girl."
Aria: "I most certainly fucking am not! I am concerned. This individual's history..."
Jesse: "My whole point with this group is people making friends. Not stopping people from making friends."
Aria: "Are you unaware that I am basically a grownup? I had an older boyfriend? And I keep using the word 'individual' so you will think we are peers? Listen, are you sure you're qualified for this job? Because I could take over if you..."
Jesse: "Wow, people were not kidding about you."
Aria: "People were talking about me? How flattering!"
If we get to see Aria and Mona together in group therapy, I will literally jump over the moon. That could get as good as Anita, maybe.
FITZ
Ezra's texting bona fide A stuff -- "There's been a setback, re: Alison" -- when Emily's dad shows up. Apparently his name is Wayne? I absolutely never knew that.
I have an aunt and uncle named Pam and Wayne. Lovely couple, but not very much like the Fieldses though. Instead of one very sweet lesbian daughter, they have had about twelve different cocker spaniels, each named Boomer, over the course of my lifetime. I don't know what her main activities are these days, but in the '80s mostly what Pam used to do is make things out of macramé, give really good advice to troubled Jacobs, keep birds, and actually paint landscapes while actually watching the actual Bob Ross. Her seafoam was so realistic it would make you feel like the Last Unicorn just by looking at it.
Wayne: "Did you notice Emily turning crazy?"
Ezra: "Yes, as her English teacher who got fired for boning her best friend, I am definitely the faculty member to come to."
Wayne: "As long as I'm on a roll talking to you about random things, I wonder if you have any opinions on Emily staying briefly with Jessica DiLaurentis? A woman you don't know, who is the mother of a person you never met that is dead? Who acts like her daughter is about to come back alive again? And did you know that Emily was living in her dead friend's room and sleeping in her bed and being tormented by the people that killed her friend?"
Ezra: (Becomes instantly hot again. How is he DOING THIS?)
Wayne: "Anyway, since she's so pressured by her schoolwork I was wondering if you could give her more schoolwork, to take the pressure off her having so much schoolwork."
Ezra: "That sounds not at all like the opposite of a sensible idea."
Wayne leaves, the evil hotness peaks, Ezra makes a call.
THE UM, PHYSICAL SCIENCES
Andrew: "[Science.]"
Spencer: (Making the Face at him while he talks. You know the one, the shovel one. What is going on in there?)
Andrew: "Your room seems like a Horse Girl room but you don't act like a Horse Girl."
Spencer: "My Horse Girl days. These ribbons, trophies, and other signs of excellence are all that is left of them. How many hours did you devote to studying this crap?"
Andrew: "I don't know, like seven? Anyway, about science..."
Spencer: "Andrew, I did not ask you here to study. I've been watching you."
Andrew: "Are we going to take our clothes off again?"
(Spencer you know what you have to do.)
Spencer: "You're not Mona, you can't just be Decathlon Captain and also a starting forward [sports?] and also summa. Time to share."
Andrew: "Why Miss Hastings, I do declare."
Spencer: "Give me drugs."
Andrew: "I actually have a legit rx. I'm not one of your... I'm not Holden."
Or Lucas, did Lucas ever deal drugs? Seems like a total Lucas move. The only drugs I can reliably think of for sure are the Pain Cream, and Meredith's doses that time. I miss Lucas. Either way, that was smooth how she tested his boundaries and tested his boundaries and lounged her eye-circle crazy-looking self all over the place like she was going to bone him, and the whole time his eyes were just sparkly stars.
Spencer: "I showed you side-boob once. Momma's callin' those chips in."
Andrew: "So to be clear, we are not going to make out?"
Spencer: "Oh my God drug dealers are the loneliest people on Earth."
So in addition to the Yo Dawg of Ezra putting more work in Emily's work so she can stress while she stresses, we also have Spencer popping pills so she can Spencer while she Spencers. Yeah, that sounds like a recipe for success. Bring Melissa back for a triple-Spencer score and we might just break the Spencer Barrier altogether. Get a real nice superadrenalized hyperreality going up in here.
Andrew: "You actually just really hurt my fucking feelings. That was a dick move, you know how I feel about you. This is your first act as a goddamn junkie, congrats. You did a bang-up job."
Spencer: "Yeah, I could kind of feel it happening as I was doing it. Sorry."
...OH! I just realized she was saying "Study Aid," in the same way as we say "Website Page." It wasn't a druggie weirdo euphemism, it was that the name of the study aid is Study Aid. So in our language, she would be saying, "Give me some of your Adderall because this week is a beast." Which is slightly less horrifying, but still. Homegirl is cruisin' for a bruisin'. Brace for impact.
FIELDS
Speaking of people who are doing fine, Emily's haunted GPS has her attacking her father with scissors in the middle of the night, while A watches from the sill of her second-floor window. With an ungloved hand? Sloppy work, A. Also, what an odd scene. I am guessing we will never talk about any of this again, the handprint at the window or even possibly the fact that Emily just tried to stab her father with scissors. There is only so spooked you can get before you go full Spooktacular with some scissors.
You know what that girl needs is some extra-credit homework. That should help.
FLASHBACK
Spencer is putting the clues together. She is figuring this out. It is actually kind of a neat thing that they do where in this instance of reading the Tale of the Hart & Huntsman, the older murderous gentleman is blurred out, but then at the end when Spencer goes to the actual Hart & Huntsman, and the story starts happening around her, we revisit this exact same flashback but with the person included. It feels like it takes a long time, both times, but they're both such weird experiences -- the first time, Spencer supplies the man's dialogue, so it's a blur flirting with Alison using Spence's voice, and then the second time it's the person, etc. -- that it's worth it. You come to feel that you are on Spencer's, um, level.
THE TALE OF THE HART & THE HUNTSMAN
We're at a college bar. The Hart & Huntsman. He likes to take me there. But he doesn't like to call them "dates..."
Alison: "So, what do you think of my fiction?"
Spencer: "You have a strong voice, but... I mean, it's only going to get more distinctive as you grow up."
Alison: "Excuse me? 'Grow up'?"
Spencer: "You know what I mean. Mature."
Alison: "So you don't think that I -- Alison DiLaurentis -- am mature enough?"
Spencer: "I didn't say that. I just think... All great literature boils down to two themes. Love and Death."
Alison: "Eros and Thanatos, I'm getting, from a man who eats boysenberry pie with beer."
Spencer: "It's delicious."
Alison: "I should write a story about you. Maybe about right now. Maybe call it The Hart & The Huntsman, and it'll begin, 'We're at a college bar...'"
They make out. Spencer feels weird about having decoded the story. But you and I, we know what is going on here. Not just because of other stuff, like we're watching the show that they are only living, but because exactly one man on Earth would have the audacity to go straight for the "as you grow up and mature" creep vibe. Only one pedo would be so ludicrous as to think lecturing a self-important child about the great themes of literature counts as having a conversation. Only one freak needs the pie for Jekyll and the beer for Hyde, and only one person in the whole world is dorky enough take his underage sex predator date to a place that is literally called "The Hart & The Huntsman."
MARIN
Spencer is rollin' in the deep by the time she stomps up to Hanna's bedroom and starts making her bed... with Hanna still inside it. Oh girl.
Hanna, verbatim: "You're lucky my mom finished her box of Chardonnay!"
Spencer: "Sorry I had to break into your house and you weren't answering your phone and I got a lead from this story that I imagined in my head and it is the Hart & Huntsman it's a pub see a college bar near Hollis College where Alison's mystery man Boardshorts took Ali for pie and beer and we gotta go there right now are you ready and do you need me to help you get out of this bed I have just hospital-cornered you into."
Hanna: "You wanna go to a bar? Spencer, I'm not even wearing underwear. Look, I scheduled a cleaning at the dentist, and..."
Spencer: "What does teeth have to do with this did you not hear me I said I found a..."
Hanna: "Spence, honey. They got Ali's dental records from the office I used to work at, supposedly. We know it wasn't her in the hole, so somebody switched the x-rays."
Spencer: (Zapping and flapping and twitching and fitching and wiggling and wriggling and winking and blinking and nodding.)
Hanna: "So if I can figure out who all was in there around the time they found the body, we can check those people for being A. I know the records room, I did the filing."
Spencer: (We got Bill the Cat over here.)
Hanna: "So you go to the pub, I'll go to the dentist, and we don't tell Aria and Emily until we have something, because she will go ballistic if she finds out we're, you know, doing anything proactive whatsoever about the person who has tortured us for years."
Spencer: (Ellen Burstyn ready for her television debut.)
Hanna: "I know, honey. But she won't hate you forever. We can't piss her off more than we already have. And once we find A, she will totally go back to being sweet Emily."
Spencer: "Yeah okay yeah that sounds good yeah."
(Disclaimer: It would be disrespectful to both Spencer Hastings and the actress who plays her to suggest that she is not doing a fantastic job of tweaking in a way that is visible to us, but not any of the Liars. I am not making fun of the performance -- which is subtle and already scary as hell just one scene in -- but of people who do not, for one reason or another, find it useful to moderate their use of Study Aids. Of course Spencer Hastings is going to down the entire bottle -- because 1) Spencer Hastings is both another Matrix Chosen One like Mona, reaching toward her hyperreal potential like a flower turns it face toward then sun, and because 2) the sociopathic mind thrives on intricate patterns -- and of course she is going to act more and more wigged out until some unlikely person takes notice that she is being Spencer to the Infinite Power, at which point it will be too late. The more time it takes people to notice this, the funnier it is going to be, and that has to start now.)
I would say too, briefly*, that in the work the show has done over the seasons, using the girls' typological functions -- this is that Jungian Hogwarts quaternity stuff again, we haven't talked about it in a while -- to help them confront their shadows, it's only proper that Alison's return from the dead would reverse us, and begin the trip back out of the Labyrinth.
It's so central, in fact, that I wouldn't be surprised if the Black Swan showed up again, in some form or another. A huge part of growing up is when you start seeing how relying solely on your virtues -- dwelling in the house of your best accomplishment -- is a great way to erode and eventually to atrophy and rot. You see it all the time: The Smartest Guy In The Room becomes fat and lazy, or driven by demons. The Kingdom's Richest Duchess has heart palpitations, strange nightmares. Mothers waste away when their children grow up. Prophets starve. We're designed to fall down so we can figure out new ways to get up again.
Emily is the heart, now she's drowning in emotions. Hanna's the soul, which Caleb has ripped out and run away with. Aria is the spirit, getting everything it ever dreamed or wanted, choking on it; getting contradictory static from the highly perceptive intuition that's always guided her. And Spencer's the brain, of course. And it's damn near gonna kill her.
That's how they get you. Always.
*(Further Disclaimer: It should be apparent by now that this recap is insane. I can tell you that I am operating on sub-Spencer amounts of sleep to bring this to you. I heard you like Spencer Hastings so I Spencer Hastingsed this recap so you can Spencer while you Spencer. No Study Aids, though: Eventually the recap does actually end.)
MAGGIE
Aria spots Maggie on the one street of the town, and runs right over to beef with her.
Maggie: "Oh hi, little girl. I am just going to park here for a minute before I mail my... Oh shit. It's you."
Aria: "Fuckin' A it's me. Why did you pull this Malcolm shit on Ezra again? At this point it's just for bonus shittiness."
Maggie: "Yep. Nailed it, first try. So that's still going on, huh?"
Aria: "If he's not gonna kick your figurative ass, I'll do the real one."
Maggie: "Lucky boy. Students like you, I mean."
Aria: "Says the bitch what took 'im for a three bed two bath and a quote "fancy summer camp.'"
Maggie: "Says the bitch what sleeps with her teachers to boost her GPA."
Oh, Aria does not like that much. She grabs Maggie, ready to throw down some Jake on her, but instead she just knocks this pathetic box of stuff out of Maggie's hands, shattering a picture of Malcolm. (One of the Malcolms.) Immediately, Aria shifts into Anita mode and wants to help Maggie pick up her crap, but Maggie is too proud! So Aria takes off, knowing damn well she lost that round and it's her own fault even.
SCHOOL
Emily: "So you just... Bounced? You knocked her shit to the ground and bailed?"
Aria: "Yeah. I'm sure this'll help with his custody battle. For a child he barely knows and to whom he is unrelated."
Emily is walking her bike, which has no GPS with which to haunt it, and wearing a strangely cute waffle-cutout thing, and sweet brown leather jacket. Aria, meanwhile, is wearing a black jacket with one thousand haphazard grommets punched into at random. Sometimes you just wanna look on the outside like you do on the inside.
Emily: "I mean, he didn't put out a hit on her. You were just doing Aria. Any judge would understand within five minutes of meeting you that you are a rogue agent."
Aria: "You and I both know I'm mostly just worried she'll tattle."
Emily: "You were acting as a friend. It was a good thing you were doing, at least in your own mind. I mean, you're not his girlfriend, right? It wasn't just bitches fighting."
Aria: "Yeah, right. Right, I wasn't being a jealous girlfriend even a tiny bit. Anyway, I'm skipping class just in case. Cover for me?"
Emily: "Sure. I'm going to see him, actually. Codirecting the spring play."
I will give you five dollars if we ever find out what "the spring play" is. I will mail it to your house.
Aria: "But Emily, you're already freaking out because of school. Is this because you stopped driving your car like some kind of Amish?"
Emily, verbatim: "Because I tried to stab him with scissors."
Aria: "Your dad? That is an interesting thing to say... Hang on, I have to abruptly be all about me."
Emily: "There's a shocker... Oh shit, is that Mona and Mikey making out in broad daylight over there? What the fuck is going on today?"
DENTIST
Gypsy from Gilmore Girls -- and possibly a horrible fever dream I had once about ballet students -- is the dental hygienist at Hanna's former place of employment, which additionally serves up the funny segue of cutting from Mikey kissing Mona to a gagging, spitting sound as Hanna spits.
Gypsy: "Sean's coming home from boarding school soon! He made quite a splash there. Especially with the ladies. Or at least he says he's getting a lot of ass, at what I can only assume is a co-educational boarding school, with female students that go there."
Hanna: "Yeah, all my boyfriends seem to be rocking out lately. Good to know."
Gypsy: "Okay, I'm gonna get the doc in here to check out your loose filling..."
Hanna: "Oh, this isn't just a cleaning? Hmm."
Gypsy: "Tooth decay leads to heart disease, Hanna! Didn't you learn that when you worked here?"
Hanna: "Haha, okay lady."
She tries to get out of there so she can infiltrate the filing room, but Gypsy pushes her back down in the chair because she is a former employee who deserves full service. Hanna sits there, loose filling and all, and thinks about how stymied she is. And I guess she thinks about half-bird racecar drivers, like we all do at the dentist.
HART & HUNTSMAN
Spencer: "Oh, jeez. Hi, Mr. Fitz."
Ezra: "Girl you look like a zombie. Do you need food? Like some of this delicious boysenberry pie?"
Spencer: "...FFFFFFUUUUU"
Ezra: "Actually, I should abruptly leave this place and run away. Nice to see you."
Spencer: "I was just about to do the same thing, but if you're leaving I'll just loiter around and thrive on intricate patterns. Or in this case, not-so-intricate ones. And maybe I will throw up out of sheer terror."
He gives her the face and the song knows what you're thinking, singing all about how you're addicted to the bad boys. Nope, not as a rule. But the half of Ezra Fitz that is A? Maybe her knees are simply weak from the surprise hotness outta nowhere.
THE BREW
Aria leaves Ezra a rambling, utterly crazy-sounding email about how she isn't crazy, in case anybody told him she was crazy, but also if nobody told him she was crazy, don't worry about it, but if they did, she has a very good explanation, which is that she is not crazy so much as a very good girlfriend. It's a tour de force, honestly.
Guidance Jesse strolls in, barely sparing her a glance off his bland smiling face, which of course draws her like the moth to the flame. What the fuck is he even doing walking in here like that if he's not immediately going to provide a pretext for Aria Montgomery to do something fascinating? She must know more.
DENTAL
Gypsy is kind of irritated when she returns and Hanna is secretly hiding in the fileroom, but mostly she's just happy to lock up and go: She calls out to the dentist that Hanna Marin couldn't wait, and bounces. So now Hanna is all alone in a closet in an empty dentist's office, in a lovely blue suit that's all coordinated and grownup looking, sun's going down, no idea that the doctor is never, ever coming.
BREW
Angry at her phone for not fulfilling its primary function of making Ezra call her and tell her she is the best, Aria's more than happy to see Jesse's helpful eyes finally seize on her, hungry to guide and to counsel.
Jesse: "So where are you at, as far as joining our support group for terrorists?"
Aria: "Still a nope. Okay, here's the deal. I know how and where I am messed up. And I am working on it. An angry angel literally haunts me, forcing me to grow up and learn to take care of myself and be strong. Right now, I'm a little too angry for..."
Jesse: "...Roller derby?"
Aria: "Ugh, no. Have you ever met those girls?"
Jesse: "Uh, I dunno. Pottery? The 'Spring Play'?"
Aria: "No. I just need to solve a murder that never happened and then I can relax and go back to just doing me."
Jessie: "Okay, well. Keep me in mind for when that goes down in flames."
Aria: "I know, right? I will. Thank you."
She is very respectfully grateful, in this moment, to Jesse: She wants him to stay in the "I'm worried about my brother" box, because to give up control would be to lose control, but the fact that he's going this far with it is a very compassionate thing, and she appreciates that. Nearly sits down, as a matter of fact. But one of the things about her obnoxious denial that I always liked is, it comes from a very pure place:
If you stop moving, you'll fall apart. So you don't stop moving. Why do you think she's in such a hurry to grow up?
Why do you think Alison was?
DENTAL
Hanna settles down into the chair, schedule records safely in her purse, and then before you know it she's getting gassed by A! And then a needle goes in her lip, in the inside of her bottom lip! Is this what they do to you when you're passed out?
BREW
A cute waitress approaches, with Ezra's beer to go with his pie, and winks about not checking Spencer's ID. Spencer like barely registers this conversation, until...
Spencer: "Boysenberry pie. And beer. Fucking for real?"
Waitress: "Yeah, right?"
You can actually hear the sparks inside her head at this point, as reality and conjecture -- intricate patterns -- crash together, tectonic. Recombinant.
Alison: "So, what do you think of my fiction?"
Ezra: "You have a strong voice, but... I mean, it's only going to get more distinctive as you grow up."
Alison: "Excuse me? 'Grow up'?"
Ezra: "You know what I mean. Mature."
Alison: "So you don't think that I -- Alison DiLaurentis -- am mature enough?"
Ezra: "I didn't say that. I just think... All great literature boils down to two themes. Love and Death."
Alison: "Eros and Thanatos, I'm getting, from a man who eats boysenberry pie with beer."
Ezra: "It's delicious."
Alison: "I should write a story about you. Maybe about right now. Maybe call it The Hart & The Huntsman, and it'll begin, 'We're at a college bar, and it'll end with me writing a story that begins We're at a college bar...'"
The psychotic mind thrives on intricate patterns, girl. Stop doing drugs.
Of course, the thing she sees -- Ezra's abandoned beer -- really blows what's left of her covered wagon: BOARD SHORTS ALE! OMG!
This has got to be in the top five episodes of this show, ever. It just keeps coming! The super scary part hasn't even happened yet and I was already twitching worse than Spencer after a solid week of bath salts.
THE SUPER SCARY PART
I don't know if I can do justice to how actually scary this was. I think it's the tension of the rest of the episode, plus the milieu: Empty school hallways, teacher workroom that is off-limits anyway, copier echoing through the place, no lights on. Ugh, I hated nothing more when I was small. If I had to be in the auditorium at any time other than with hundreds of other people, I would sprint and count my footsteps out loud.
So you got Emily, running copies of the spring play, "Spring Play" -- which is highly improper so I hope I'm wrong about what she's doing -- and then sounds everywhere, and Emily giving it about five fraught seconds before snatching her purse and grabbing her shit and getting the fuck on up out of there. Good girl.
Only rather than leaving those plays on the copier to fend for themselves, she Emilys up and takes 'em back to teacher's classroom, as is the Pam Hastings way. Not worth doing if it's not worth doing well, even if it means getting murdered by an entire high school coming to voracious life. Which is what happens.
Suddenly there's cookie-monster emo metal coming out of the speakers, intermittently with loud static like a plane endlessly landing, and an LCD banner at the end of the hall -- which was conspicuous, to my special eyes, earlier on -- suddenly starts saying mean shit to her, which is by far the most amazing and wonderful thing of the episode. I might love it more than Tory Burch boots sticking out like Nessarose from the dirt, or that little psychic boy in Brookhaven, or really anything that is not The Grunwald:
ACT NORMAL, BITCH!
I mean, that is by far the best thing the LCD banner could have said. That is some "demon fashion show" quality signage. I still involuntarily clap my hands together when I think about it, almost 24 hours later. ACT NORMAL, BITCH! What a disconcerting fucking thing for an inanimate object to yell at you about, you know? Like the building's already shaking and you've already got ninjas up your ass and then just randomly...
It's like the blowjob in The Shining. That's the only thing I can compare it to. Everything is going crazy and you could not possibly get into a weirder situation and then what's that over there? Oh just a dude in a furry costume blowing somebody, no big deal. How come? Don't know, keep running. Keep it moving, girl.
I want it on a little pillow, so I never forget. Both the wonderful, tummy-ache joy I have taken in it, and also because it is good advice. Maybe I will just put a Post-It on my bathroom mirror. I'll have my pick of gentlemen suitors then, I'm sure of it.
Gay Fella: "Uh, 'Act Normal, Bitch'?"
Jacob: "Yeah, and you better, too."
Eventually she ends up barricaded in a classroom, trying desperately to not sound like what is happening is happening as she calls her father. Like, this is how awesomely cool and Canadian Emily is: "...Anyway, as soon as you get this message, please come to the school and pick me up immediately."
Immediately, if you please. Look for the small beautiful girl screaming holy fucking murder out a shattered window, with everything on fire around me and a hoodie ninja chucking shit at my head. Just as soon as it's convenient.
Meanwhile, Hanna wakes up in the dark dentist's office finally, bleeding all on the mouth, and also pulls it together in record time, digging into her purse for the visit records, which are of course totally gone now. We don't see it but I like to imagine she brushed herself off and gave a tiny pep talk before finally standing up, woozy. "Okay, Marin. Step one is get the hell out of here."
Over at school, things are still pretty scary. A's outside the door of wherever she's barricaded herself, bashing away with all his lovely little might, and Dad drives up, and -- just to add one more nightmare thing -- doesn't immediately hear her screaming at him from the window that won't open. But soon enough -- and none too soon -- he's shinnied up a pipe, helped her open the window, and then they both slide down like the jock bad-asses they both are.
...Which is the point at which Wayne Fields falls to the ground, clutching his chest. Are you fucking kidding me right now?
Emily: "Are you fucking kidding me right now?"
She calls 911, and then as they're loading him up they talk about how he has a secret heart illness that he is trying to fix before his ladies find out. He looks so tiny, with tubes coming out of him, and Emily looks so scared and wilted, and the ambulance lights are making everything undersea-sick, and she hugs him goodbye, staring over her shoulder at the empty window up there.
But this is the part that I think is really going to dick with us, moving forward: The way he so quickly and sweetly -- and very un-Pamly -- confabulated an explanation that, while it satisfies Occam's Razor in that there is no undead creature or living high school building, still manages to wrap her up safe in cotton as always. She's not crazy, see; it could have happened to anybody. He thinks he's being comforting but it sounds like bars on the window:
"Listen, you were locked in a room. The lights went out. I understand why you panicked."
No surprise that her only response to this is, "I do not know how much more of this I can take." Addressed to her father, to the gods, to anybody that can hear her.
Once it might have been Alison's memory, but she took that away too.
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "Emily, don't be dumb. Of course you're staying here. You don't want to sleep in a hospital."
Spencer: "Who wants to sleep EVER?"
Emily: "This was clearly an A thing. You can understand why I would want to stick close."
Aria: "But this wasn't an A thing. His heart isn't under A's purview. Unless... Has he been using any strange pain creams or unguents?"
A shadow passes before the Montgomery window, putting identical faces of trepidation on both their little faces, but for very different reasons.
Aria: "Obviously I texted Spencer about your dad. Come on."
Spencer stands at the door, looking like a ghost -- now for at least three reasons -- and just kind of wavers, like the wind could blow her over: So sad.
Spencer: "Please don't send me away."
...I mean, have you met Emily Fields? She goes in for the hug without thinking twice. That's our girl.
Spencer is followed by Hanna, who if possible looks crazier than the other two, what with her drugged-out clothes all askew and the blood on her face.
Liars: "Holy shit! You were gone for six hours and now you look like you just turned back from being a werewolf. What have you been up to, Marin?"
Hanna: "I was at the dentist, and then ... something ... and then I was at the dentist. And now I am here. I think that instead of a licensed dentist, I was treated by A."
Aria: "You are saying that A gave you a local anesthetic? In your face?"
Hanna: "If so, it's wearing off. I feel like I've been quote chewing on a sewing kit for the last hour."
Emily: "Well this is just too much."
I love it. Emily's like, "What's crazy about this is that A came from operating on our friend Hanna straight to the school, which he then haunted on me. I mean, you have to admire the time management at least."
Aria, not to be outdone, says an equally awesome thing: "WHO IS THIS MONSTER?"
Oh, honey. But it was still hilarious how she said it.
Hanna: "Will you guys just please look in my mouth? I don't want to be coughing up tiny Monas, or other people's human teeth like that necklace that time, or find out ten years from now I have money in my face, under my face of my face."
All three of them crowd around her with a flashlight, Hanna wriggling and horrible, and for some reason Spencer's hands have never been more steady, so she grabs some tweezers and then pulls out this tiny bundle from inside Hanna's face somewhere -- the loose filling, maybe? -- and then Emily hands her a magnifying glass so they can read it.
"I told you: Dead girls can't smile. Stop looking. - A"
Everybody stares around and it's horrible, and I'm horrible too, because all I want to scream even though all three of them have been whupped upside the head tonight by the feral hand of God -- and you know what it is, say it with me -- is...
ACT NORMAL, BITCH!
A-TAG
A shreds the schedules in what looks like quite a cozy home office -- nothing as nice as the Ravenswood Lair; actually I guess it would be the Stabbin' Cabin of Ezra's pretend uncle or whoever -- and then puts the shreds on a big circle of... Oh my God, is this going to be a birdcage? Holy hell, yes! So good.
Tippi: "Hey Boardshorts! Hey Boardshorts! [The phone number of a hidden room inside a sorority where Hanna once buried a gun for no reason]! Miss me?"
Tippi craps all over the shreds, and the camera pans up to a map of Cape May, with locations marked for Wilden's Yacht and a lighthouse -- right off Sunset Blvd. -- marked #1403 - A & C. About which your guess is good as mine, but I do have one question: Did Ezra and Wilden ever interact in front of us?
Actually the whole NAT Club/B-Team elders, come to think of it. Melissa, Wilden, CeCe, Garrett, that crew. Or at least CeCe and Darren were part of the yacht photo thing, and scared of A w/r/t it too, right? I just want to know what the hell Ezra Fitz and Darren Wilden would possibly have to talk about. Or maybe smooch about, who really knows.
WEEK
Emily goes back to Snaky Shana to beg Ali's forgiveness for the absolutely nothing she did wrong. Aria goes crazy but for Aria, who knows what that could possibly even mean. What, she's gonna start dressing idiosyncratically? Too late, buster. And Hanna's on the case with her thriller novels by her side, solving the case of the Quickly Vibrating Spencer -- who is, herself, chock full of a neutron bomb that nobody can know about until she's sure. Because, you know, inaction was always something Spencer was capable of, even back before she met Dr. Feelgood and his sweet bag o' dolls.
About which: Is there a way anybody can make out with Andrew at this point and it not be pretty much sexual assault on his part? It seems like a shame to waste ... all that ... but I don't know how he's getting out of this one. "This one," I realize, here as code for "being a hot guy on a show containing upwards of infinity hot guys who are all creeps, and therefore being a creep, and also you saw him on The Fosters, doing a bang-up job of being scarier than most of the guys on this show ever are. So ugh. No sense borrowing worry from a future that may never come. It's just as likely we'll never see him again, right? Remember Nigel, Teen Air Traffic Controller? Remember Samara, Teen Traveling Gypsy? Remember sweet little Holden? I do. I remember them all.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, True Detective, The Blacklist, Ravenswood, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook. And he will know if you are not acting normal.