Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT One Flea Spare
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 11 | Aired on 03.29.2005
Nikko sounds really good, Jessica's a little subdued but still fun to watch, and this remains the dumbest song I've ever heard. Anthony looks hot as hell, Anwar again looks like he's herniating internally when he sings, Constantine does a totally retarded Dirk Diggler kick at the camera -- the wrong camera -- before choreographing himself a nice little arm wave like three measures before anybody else goes into it. Carrie wrinkles her nose "adorably" into the camera and gives us "pretty feet" and "cute face" until the camera gets away from her. The song ends with the Bo Spot behind the judges occupied by Constantine, Jessica, Scott, Nadia, and Anwar, and Constantine's is the magic hand we fade out on this week. I'm afraid this week might have been my last chance to decode what the hell that whole hand thing is about. My first impulse is again that it's a church camp thing, but…do you think maybe the meaning of the hand is some kind of pleading for relief from the tsunami? Or, like, all weather? I don't know.
Commercial, and then: Muppet Idols. What the hell? They're singing that Digable Planets -- who I really like, by the way, except for this song -- song "Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)," and they are Muppets. Human-sized Muppets. I call bullshit on many levels. First of all, WHAT? Second of all, I am 80% sure that this is due to the fact that they were probably scheduled up to their eyeballs like they are every week, and thus could not fit in this week's pimpomercial, so they stuck some people in some quickly-whipped up Big Comfy Couch costumes and just did a quick vocal, which explains why they're all singing in the style of the actual Digable Planets, who are pretty street, but that part's a comfort because I do not need to see Actual Carrie singing about how she's "freak like dat." I just don't need that in my life, to the degree that I think maybe that's a good reason to have the Comfy Couch Muppets there, so we don't have to see her and Jessica and Anwar trying to pronounce things correctly. This kind of thing always reminds me of Billie Holliday, how my Dad told me this story a long time ago about how she sang songs from Porgy And Bess and refused to sing it off the book (e.g., "Porgy, I's Your Woman Now"), and how cool I thought that was, and the opposite of that kind of cool is what these Muppets are doing.
It sucks so bad I'll never stop, so here's the rundown of the good bits: the best thing, hands-down, is the Idol Muppets b-boy dancing on cardboard, in slow motion. That actually looks totally awesome in a very Flaming Lips kind of way. Second most awesome is the butt chin of the Constantine Muppet. I love also: the fact that I can't tell who three of them are supposed to be, and that maybe there's not a Scott Muppet at all; how all of them look almost exactly like the people, except none of them are totally fat or creepy, so you don't know which one is Scott; the fact that they're all wearing hip-hop gear; the fact that Nadia Muppet's hair is too small and I took forever to identify her because without the hair, the Muppet looks exactly like the evil yenta upstairs in Rosemary's Baby; the fact that just like in real life the Carrie and Jessica Muppets are nearly indistinguishable; and finally, Ryan's total and utter confusion at what the fuck just happened. I'm feeling you, dude.