Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT One Flea Spare
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 11 | Aired on 03.29.2005
So she's going to be singing "Independence Day," by Martina McBride, again. Making I think Scott Savol the only person not to attempt this song this season. Ironically enough. Martina McBride is utterly unafraid to bring the real issues confronting us today to the table. We don't get the whole song, but apparently Easter is in July the particular year the story takes place. Way to edit out the entire narrative, arrangers. The song goes like this: Daddy's beating Momma, so the narrator went to the fair. I don't know the rest of the story. I imagine it involves the KKK and barbecuing the offender and becoming a lesbian and a bunch of "Tawonda!" or something. It's "Choose Your Own White Trash Adventure" Week when the story is chopped up like that. If I never hear this song again, I won't care, because it's not that memorable and trades on some cheap damn emotion. And I can't even say "at least it's not all 'America, Fuck Yeah!'" because there's all this Fourth of July crap mixed in. Everything I hate about country and victim stories and…you guys, I have been Oprah Book Clubbed to death by country this year. And I'm sure someone will write a country song about that and the Dixie Chicks will have to poison Oprah to avenge me.
Again, the backup singers are in total service to her, but not as blatantly as last week. She sounds fucking great on her own, too, and she's wearing multiple sashes all over her body, which makes her interesting as well as lovely to look at, but she won't stop singing, so here's a list of Honorable Mentions:
Cuckoo: "Carrie Underwood: Pretty Vacant"
GrammaK: "Carrie 'Is It True Blands Have More Fun?' Underwood"
Mrs. Muir: "Carrie Underwood: Her Love Is Real, But She Is Not"
Kiera123: "Carrie Underwood: Seasonings Not Included"
badge9: "What's Life Got to Do With It: Carrie Underwood"
AlexDS69: "Carrie Underwood: You Know The Bitch Is Going To Win."
Randy calls it "the best vocal of the night," and I think it's definitely in the running. Paula calls her "really natural," which wouldn't be half the compliment it is if it weren't for the fact that she's talking to Carrie, and then admits that she loves when Carrie sings country songs, apparently forgetting that she's only not done so once, and was totally, objectively awesome when she did that, too. Paula simply does not have the capacity for complimenting people correctly. I bet her mother was really critical or something, because every time she tries to be nice she implies something really shitty, like now all of a sudden she hated the Heart song and is glad to have Carrie back, when I know she means nothing of the sort. Then Simon soils his no-doubt very weird underwear, going on and on about how awesome she is. Shut it, Simon. You're ticking me off tonight. Like, yeah, she was awesome, and she's always awesome, but the more you praise her the more I have to take a hard look at her downside, which is that she's utterly creepy in a JonBenet way, and you're coming off like a Showdog Mom and Dad when you do this. Ryan and Carrie then hop around dorkily, and you can tell she really likes him, because like the scientists who created her and the handlers that make sure her coat remains glossy, he's sweet and caring in a professional and businesslike manner.