Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT One Flea Spare
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 11 | Aired on 03.29.2005
But here's the thing: if you don't look? It's awesome. Dammit. I was thinking that having Constantine sing one of my favorite songs would result in some kind of point for me where I could talk about how bad it was, but no. It is awesome to listen to. So in order to facilitate not having to look at his horrible ass, here's a list of the Honorable Mentions in the Constantine thread title category:
jennifuh for "Constantine Maroulis: Isn't He Ironic?"
katiedid for "I Hate You...And I Hate Your Ass Chin!" and "I Pretend I'm Too Cool For This Thread, And Yet Here I Am"
Yes I am a for "Constantine Maroulis: Rocks in His Head"
happycamper for "When Rock Jumped The Shark"
spoonofchoice for "Constantine Maroulis: In Excess" and "His Scarf, It Was Apricot"
rondo1974: "Don't Stand So Close To Me"
msmoz: "Constantine Maroulis: G(r)eek Tragedy"
TrueBlue for "The Not-So-Great Unwashed"
pixiechic with "Constantine 'Poseur Says What?' Maroulis," and
Argillus, for the very excellent "Smells like Constantine Spirit" and "It's Because He's a Thespian."
There's this undertaker guy in the audience that's like his brother or something, and you can see the resemblance, which is located in the creepy. He's good-looking in the same way as Constantine, only more so, but is creepy in exactly the same way, and amount, as his brother. Randy tells Constantine he's theatre, not rock, after all. He says that "the real guy showed up" tonight. Didn't we explore this avenue last week, when Paula explained it all to us in her special way of getting the point across without using her words to communicate? Don't we all live there now? He's a joke and this show is a joke and he's a music theatre guy who can't focus long enough to figure out thing one about himself? Randy's been thinking, a little. Paula also loves the song, and his performance, and calls it "his best male vocal performance." Creepy Brother smiles at this because it kind of implies both that Constantine is otherly gendered, and also that Paula's totally high. She says he's "creeping…up…into the favorites," taking what was once one of three or four sentences and through the power of enjambment bringing all of them together in an image buffet.
Simon thinks he was better than Bo, and God help me but I agree. All Bo had was us getting to look at him, whereas that was all we had to ignore with Constantine, and this being a singing competition…I feel like a total traitor, dude. Carrie's growing on me too. But it's like I thought: if Constantine could limit his lack of affect to a smaller circle of gross meaningless references and keep his shit in one place that was not a rock place, he'd be at least 65% better off, and this is what he has done. So now a paper bag over the head and some pants that fit right, and we'll have a viable Idol. Sing some, like, Blue October or Killers and really work that weird bi-curious vibe next, is my advice. Simon calls him a "classic pop star" tonight, and I get what he means, but then Simon appeals really vaguely to Constantine's "target audience" and how he played to them tonight, and I used to think I knew who that was. I guess it's still little girls who are scared of actual men. Constantine gives one honest smile, and then it's back to the bullshit, and he once more does the "call me" crap. I hate him so much. I wish this show were taking place in the days of radio, so I didn't have to hate him. Back when the site was called "Mighty Big Broadsheet."