Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT One Flea Spare
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 11 | Aired on 03.29.2005
Up next is Jessica "Let's Hear it For the Boys" Sierra (tm ld1), singing "On The Side Of Angels" by LeAnn Rimes, after telling a story about how in the nineties she got to go to a Dixie Chicks concert and freaked out about how she wanted to be a rock star. How will she go about bringing this to reality? By singing the most boring song I've ever heard. I checked out the lyrics, and it's very like…you know "More Than Words"? And how that song basically amounts to "Shut the hell up and do me"? That's kind of how this song goes, only instead of love, what this song wants you to shut up about is, I think, the Lord. Which is very John Donne, in a way. Like "From a Passionate Shepherd to His Youth Group Leader." So if you read the lyrics and think about God v. Love v. Sex stuff, I guess it's interesting, but going in your ear? Not as interesting as any of those things.
I'm so bored. Runners-up in the Jessica thread title contest were fun and difficult to choose, but I really enjoyed TrueBlue's "Wanna Neck?" and ferretrick's "Total Eclipse By The Boobs." Probably my personal favorites were aquaz1's "Total Eclipse of the Neck," which combined the grace and beauty of the two above, and amityisland's "Vote Or My Grandmother Will Shoot!" because it's probably true. Ugh, she's still not done. I'm sitting right on the edge of my coma.
Randy smiles vacantly -- he has lovely teeth, does he not? -- and calls her a contender, even though he wasn't feeling it. Paula feels like it didn't showcase her amazing voice, and was disappointed after the amazing blowout last week. Simon says she's lacking the "likeability factor" of some of the other contestants, and she seems to find that difficult to deal with; this is understandable, since it's like the worst possible thing you could ever say to a person. He calls her song choice forgettable, admitting that she sang it well, but tries to explain that she has to work harder than the others to overcome her unlikeability. Everybody boos but, like, I hated her until the finals, remember. On the other hand, after turning in her wonderful and solid performances week after week, I don't really see it as an issue. She's become one of my favorites, despite this incredibly boring song she's just put all up in my grill. I'm sleeeeping, Jessica. No me moleeeeeeestas.
Anwar "If You Cut Me, Do I Not Bleed Puppies?" Robinson (tm Cuckoo) is up next, singing…an R. Kelly song? I love R. Kelly; musically, I think he's like the Prince of disposable hip-hop pop, and anyone who knows me will tell you that "Feelin' On Your Booty" is one of my favorite songs of all time, but you know, I have no illusions about R. Kelly. He likes to pee on little kids and then fuck them, and tape the whole thing. Which makes him both a fuckface and pretty much all-around bad news. Especially if you, like Anwar "No Glory Note Left Behind" Robinson (AgentX), are a grade-school teacher. I know I go on and on about how smart Anwar is, and he is, but dude.