Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT One Flea Spare
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 11 | Aired on 03.29.2005
Oh, man. I just had a horrible thought. This is Anwar we're talking about. And there's only one R. Kelly song I can think of him singing. And if he sings it, I will go insane, because he might as well have co-written it, and that's too much Anwar in one place. That's a dirty bomb of Anwar right there. I have a bad feeling about this, and the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm…yep. After an intro about this one time in the nineties where Anwar almost got to sing for Bill Clinton's first inaugural parade, but then...didn't…he starts into it. "I Believe I Can Fly." God.
I'm certainly not listening to this song, so I will first tell you that my favorite runners-up in Anwar's thread competition were VeeJay's "All's Unfair In Love Anwar" and ToneDefJeff's "The Importance of Being Anwar Robinson," which is brilliant. And…he's still singing, so I will take this time to tell you about how there were two scandals this week, instead of the usual one and a half. The first one was about Anwar and his dating profile on a popular website, and his particular preferences, as far as dating, and there is absolutely nothing shocking about any of the things on this profile, which I have seen, except maybe that Anwar is not a vegetarian, and no, that's not code for anything. I've let my past experience with earnest and caring people of the Anwar type be my guide so far, I assumed he was not a meat-eater. Not that you can't be a vegetarian and a hard-ass, I hasten to point out -- all Anwars are vegetarians but not all vegetarians are Anwars -- or gay and a hard-ass, for that matter, but he's…no hard-ass.
Anyhow, I cannot hazard a guess as to what the outcome of this particular scandal will be, except that the profile in question was gone so fucking fast I couldn't believe it -- like, literally in the time it took me to email the URL to Anna, it was gone -- but I can point out that it's stupid if it's an issue at all, because he clearly likes guys and always has, but I have no illusions about the country we live in, nor do I have illusions about this show's producers, so whatever it is I'm sure it'll be ugly. We'll see. I think the gayitude of Anwar is awesome because he's the very best field rep the gays have on TV right now, but you know, there hasn't been one episode this season that hasn't freaked me and my civil liberties out in one way or another, so I'm sure they're looking forward to doing just the most insane thing possible to further piss me off. Considering scandal number two of the week, I'm sure it'll be disgusting.
Randy's in calling-you-out mode tonight, deliciously, so he tells Anwar -- of whom, he hastens to point out, he's a fan -- that his lower register is pitchy and that he utterly relies on the big notes at the end of every song and is lazy towards the beginning. Word to the gazillionth. Paula drunkenly slurs something about how she's known Randy since before Oxycontin was even invented, but has never heard such an incredibly, original rendition of the song, which she hated until just now this very second, and adds a very disagreeable "amen and God bless you" to somebody or another. Simon hates to say it, but completely agrees with Randy, because the problem is how the first half of every song is sucky and then the end is awesome. The people behind the judges all look disgusted and Paula wigs because, as I've said before, she can't remember back that far. Making Anwar her ideal contestant. Ryan calls the song "inspirational" because he too knows he could fly, if he could just think a happy thought or two.