Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT One Flea Spare
By Jacob Clifton | Season 4 | Episode 11 | Aired on 03.29.2005
Randy explodes with how the girls are on fire tonight, mentioning that Vonzell was "a little sharp in spots," but allows as how the song is hard to sing and modulate due to the Whitney of it all; he loves how she keeps "growing and getting better," and says he loved it. Paula notes that she "sang higher than Whitney," reiterates for I think the fifteenth time that "America is falling in love with her," and then goes to the gender confusion again all, "You outsang the girls tonight," before calling it "top notch." Paula's so weird, you guys. It's kind of awesome. Simon says that three weeks ago he would have called it "career suicide" for her to sing a Whitney song, but he does think she's somehow pulled it off. He winks at her so fast you can barely see it. I imagine that felt good.
To review: Bo was an ugly kind of sexy, but bored, Jessica was stultifying and lovely, Anwar was very nasally up in his nasal, and Nadia was as awesome as ever and did sexy dances. Constantine was either the best or the worst, depending if you're looking at the screen at any point, Nikko was totally fun, singing all over the place, A-Fed looked like he was trying so hard he might break something, but looked very grown up, and Carrie was horrifyingly perfect. Scott was creepy to look at and full of crap, but sounded okay, and Vonzell was everything I want from my Idol, except still kind of hard to remember.
Wednesday
Ryan is dressed to the nines tonight, in a pale gray suit with really narrow lapels. He calls last night an "amazing effort," and says that "intensity" is what being in the Top Ten is all about. The phones received, he says, the highest number of votes outside a finale: 32,500,000. Crazy. He thanks us "for the love" on behalf of the contestants, and then points out the judges, who are variously bored, high and wearing a fake flower in her décolletage, and bored.
We see the Tuesday highlights completely out of order: Carrie "felt natural" to Paula and to Paula alone, Bo was "where he belongs," Constantine couldn't make me love him if he tried but gave his best performance so far, Nadia rocked out and Paula and Simon were impressed, Nikko danced all cute, and Anwar refused to support his voice in any way. Simon hated on Scott, Jessica, and A-Fed, but was blown away, along with everyone else (including some fake extra applause bots), by Vonzell.
Results are coming up, after the third and final Tsunami Tsingle, for which, if we care, we still have 12 hours to vote. "Everything Is Beautiful" is the song, with which I admit I'm not familiar, and first up is Scott, wearing pink but no regrets, singing about how everything is beautiful in its own way, then Vonzell looks great, Nadia smiles beautifully, and Bo's pants are very stretchy. It's a successful group sing, although the voices don't mesh as well as usual, but I have to point out that this is the most ridiculous song I've ever heard in my life. Did Anwar write this song? "Everything is beautiful in its own way, like a starry summer night" and about how you shouldn't judge your brothers based on the length of their hair. This is more PLUR than Moby on his gayest E trip while having a bunk-bed sleepover with Santana, sixteen stuffed animals, both Care Bear movies, and the entirety of the Polyphonic Spree. I'm a-gonna Google this shit, while it goes on and on. I've got to know. Okay, it's Ray Stephens, and he's not particularly a burnout, just a guy with his finger on the pulse of America, who has had like a million songs and Grammys and whatnot, so I'm not going to diss him, I'm just going to say that it takes balls of steel to combine the LCD zeitgeist pulse-taking of a novelty act like Weird Al Yankovic with the Bono-sized, creepy, congenital cynicism you need to have a songwriting résumé that includes both this hippy-dippy love song to the masses and something called "Osama, Yo Mama."