Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Right Now I'm A Race Car
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 04.08.1999
Kyr is messing with a syringe in the lab, and Zhaan gets all scary tough love on him, snatching it away. "Is this the way you repay my help? How would you like your arm torn off?" That's your fucking theme song, asshole. He laughs and says she doesn't scare him (always a bad idea, girlfriend is scary as hell) and says she doesn't have the guts to fight him. Anybody with a brain looks away at this point, because what will happen is obviously going to be unlovely at best. She goes all Krav Maga on him and gets him in a hold, and explains some stuff very carefully. "Hear me. I could rip you apart. Right now. Kahalin help me, I'd enjoy it. But you know why I don't? Because we're not enemies!" She crumples the syringe before his eyes, and gives him some clichés to the solar plexus. "This is your enemy!" Her voice is still utterly terrifying and her manner is very Old Testament, so don't tell her I made fun of that part. "Contemplate that in solitude!" she rumbles. Um, I will. Ma'am.
John is a speed racer. Meanwhile, Aeryn and D'Argo hang out with blood all over the place. The blood's not going clear yet, and D'Argo just drops his head and moans. "Give it up!" Aeryn flips the script on him: "Oh, so you'd die without putting up a fight? Then you're the coward!" BOOM she hits the wound. "And you're the barbarian. You're gonna have to hit it a lot harder than that, to increase the bleeding." She makes this great face, like, "Fucking okay then!" and slams him again. He groans and asks for more. I don't know what to do with this show sometimes. She puts her fists together and volleyballs them into him a bunch of times.
This scene is a really long period of time for the not much that happens, so here's what happens: Bekhesh has Rygel in a sack. Where he belongs. John comes out with the gauntlet all brandishy, like a moron. After he takes down two Tavloids, one of them catches on, and shoots, but he snags the shot and returns it. Which is admittedly bad-ass every time. Rygel bitches in the sack; he is soundly ignored by everybody, because they are all high on drugs. And because Rygel sucks and does not contribute. John and Bekhesh move on from the gauntlets to a more accurate measure of manhood, and swinging those all over the place. Rygel continues to suck, inside a bag. John and Bekhesh start fighting again and it's very shooty. John runs out of juice, and then remembers that he's totally fucking John Crichton and he brought himself to a gun fight, so he switches over to "I'm so clever" John really fast. He says it should be a draw because he doesn't want Rygel anyway, because Rygel's not a king actually (both Rygel and Bekhesh are surprised to hear that), he's an escaped mental patient. Rygel gives an astute observation on the subject of "Let he who is without crazy," but Bekhesh kicks his rubber ass hard through the sack. John changes horses midstream and says that actually, Rygel has...chicken pox. I love this man John Crichton. John says that Rygel is, again, worthless, and has no ransom to speak of; Bekhesh touchés that the Consortium of Trow will, and John drops a 'fraid-not on that one. "The four-throated cat? They're not gonna do it. Well, you blame them? Rygel is an obnoxious gas-bag. Now, who's gonna shell out for that?" (It's not the truth, it's the crazy drugs that...oh, wait. Yeah, it's the truth.) Rygel shouts from the bag that it's all true, "I'm unloved, unwanted, unpopular," and Bekhesh's foot agrees, knocking him senseless again. "Unconscious..." John levels -- because John can only tell a lie for five minutes before it falls apart, which is like so cute -- that there's nothing to pay the ransom with, and that Rygel lied about all of it. Bekhesh begins to believe him.
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