Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Right Now I'm A Race Car
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on 04.08.1999
Zhaan helps the now-ungauntletted D'Argo to command, where Pilot bitchily but sweetly asks if he's okay. Have I told you about my theory that Pilot is not only gay but hugely gay? I have my reasons. (Dude, the "DNA Mad Scientist" recap is going to be 500 pages long. Fucking Maldis of all things? That's so messed up.) Zhaan smiles cutely about how D'Argo insists on helping, and then -- still feeling the 'loids -- he bitches about how they're going to fuck it up if he doesn't. Pilot suggests Pilot-ly that he get some rest, and D'Argo protests that he wants to help. Pilot gives good Carolyn Kepcher about "Your assistance... would be welcomed," clearly not meaning it, and D'Argo grimaces. Which is hard to do with fifteen pounds of prosthetic penis-tentacles flapping all over the place.
John swats a "jungle" "bug" in the "jungle" and Aeryn gives him shit, and John obligingly bitches, and she's about to tell him the only reason she brought him along is to make him look weak so she can continue to think he's a little bitch, but there's gunfire. They hit the "jungle" floor, and she takes the "oculars" from him, handing him a gun. NO! Dumb! She looks through the scope and spots three Tavloids milling around a fresh kill, and it's a thing about the non-violent science of the ocular v. the violent science of the gauntlet. One is science -- find it out! -- and the other is not -- beat it up! See which wins this week. Immediately Aeryn's like, "Clearly I need to beat the shit out of them to find out where Rygel is, until they are dead." John asks how the 3:1 ratio of Aeryns:Tavloids is supposed to work, and he's answered by the click of stupid-ass Officer Sun clapping the gauntlet on. Aeryn assures his hysterical (and clearly correct) response that he can just knock her out with Zhaan's sleepy juice after she's...I don't know. Ruined everything with roid rage, I guess. If she can't shoot it, she'll do some drugs and then shoot at it some more. She's so awesome. "Where's my rifle?" John promises her he'll trank her the second she gets back; the entire viewership laughs like hell. Even four episodes in, you already know his ass is getting knocked the fuck out before any of this happens.
Aeryn, wearing Kyr's Tavloid outfit, comes up to the kill-crazy hunting party and asks where she might find Bekhesh, and one of them (a female named Hontovek) tells her getting stupid and lost in the four feet of spray-painted "jungle" is her problem, and the Aeryn 'loids them all to the ground. She grabs Hontovek and asks again, as John whimpers and watches another Tavloid round the clearing. Hontovek starts to give Alpha Aeryn directions, and meanwhile John...blows up the rifle. For no reason other than that he's not good in fighter stories. "Eeeeeee-EEEEEEEEEEE" goes the gun, and then it goes blooey, distracting all the people who actually belong here. The Tavloids all think they're under attack -- it's a nice touch that Aeryn points her gauntlet toward the forest, already under the influence -- and Aeryn runs back to John.
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