Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT "Your Phoebe's So Ugly..."
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.30.2005
Anyway, long story short, Imara sent her most trusted underling, Lantos, to P3 to snatch a lock of Piper's hair, but as that attempt failed and Piper most certainly will be expecting another attack, Lantos must now target Imara's second choice, Phoebe. Poor Suzanne Krull. In addition to laboring beneath that wig and that nose for all of her scenes this evening, she's found herself saddled with snaggle-toothed dentures that are just killing her diction. That last line actually came out sounding like, "Shinsh she'w be ekshpectink anozzer attack, I need you to go aftaw a diffawent shishta now: Feevee." God, I hope they paid her well for this humiliation. In any event, Lantos protests that Raige would be easier to trap, as she's "less intuitive" and "more predictable." Unfortunately, as Imara notes, "She's also a Whitelighter now, which puts her in constant contact with the [ever-useless] Elders." Not a good thing, as Imara will have to fool everyone she comes into contact with for her plan to succeed. Besides, she notes with deepening envy, "Feevee's a shelebwity -- idolized." Desirous to secure similar treatment for herself, Imara sends Lantos on his new mission. Just remember, though, that when Imara initially came up with this masterful plan to switch bodies with a "beautiful Charmed One," she picked Piper first. Hee. Suck it, Phoebe. Even hideous crones in the Underworld think you're second-rate.
Manor. Shut up, Phoebe. No, seriously. SHUT UP, PHOEBE. Christ. Hag ignores me. Hag always ignores me. Bitch. The ill-mannered Feebs blares her way into the kitchen from the dining room, completely ignores the fact that Piper's rather intently brewing up a massive amount of something dangerous on the center island's burners, further ignores Piper's attempts to fill her in on the latest demonic situation, and proceeds to spend the next three hours bitching about the fact that the legal department at All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me wants a professional, degreed psychologist to vet all of her columns before they're printed, in the interest of avoiding lawsuits. Which...doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense, but if the lawyers at All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me really have nothing better to do with their time, so be it, because I'll be wasting as little brain energy on this asinine subplot as is possible for the remainder of the evening. Piper finally manages to get a word in edgewise and informs Phoebe of the attack earlier in the episode. Phoebe Oh! My! Gods! and offers the brutally dimwitted comment, "Demons never attack at P3!" -- like, yes, they do, you stupid, stupid, hateful, wretched excuse for a human being -- before Piper notes, "Even weirder? I don't think they wanted to kill me." "One of them could have easily nailed me with a [Flaming Ball Of Death]," she explains to the slack-jawed, barely dressed moron now leaning heavily against the counter, the better to display the vast expanse of boobage the latter's top is struggling to contain, "but then didn't." Nevertheless, Piper's determined to off whoever dared to violate the sanctity of her workspace. Piper next passes Phoebe a vanquishing vial -- which they are all to carry at all times henceforth for their own protection -- before Phoebe begs off to deal with her stupid work issues. Piper sighs.