Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT "Your Phoebe's So Ugly..."
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.30.2005
Endless -- endless -- opening travelogue, with utterly unintelligible ovary. It was at this point that I realized how much of a filler episode tonight's presentation would be, as this travelogue drags on forever. In fact, after the first run finished airing, I went back and timed the previouslys, credits, and travelogue -- because this show has finally driven me insane like that -- and discovered they eat up a combined three minutes of an episode that only lasts a total of forty-one. I shouldn't complain, but really: Hacks. Incidentally, the footage they're using of the Bay Bridge is years old at this point, as the city's in the middle of constructing, right next to the current one, a hideously expensive replacement that is nowhere visible in any of these shots. Anyway, back at P3, paramedics wheel the injured deliveryman towards the door as Raige and Piper chat with a uniformed cop mid-bar about what the deliveryman recalls of the attack, which isn't much, as the guy was hit from behind and remembers nothing after that. The cop warns the two ladies to stick around, as "the detective" will want to follow-up with a few more questions, and he steps aside to allow the gals an opportunity to grumble and complain about their miserable lot in life. Well, pretty much. "That's the last time I call 911," Piper grunts as she and Raige amble past the bar's empty stage. "Sadly," Raige reminds her, "now that [the Dolt] can't heal us, I think we're going to be calling that number a lot more." Not if this show gets cancelled after the next three episodes, honey. HA! And would it kill the fucking Elders to grant you the power to heal? I mean, why are they giving you charges if you can't knit up the wou-- never mind. I got halfway through that question before realizing the answer would of course be, "Because the Elders are fucking idiots just like everyone else on this goddamned show, and I hate it, and someone really needs to CANCEL THIS. NOW." Gah.
Innyway, Piper takes this opportunity to growl, "I can't believe this -- they attack me at work now? What, is no place sacred?" Rrrrgh. I'll just note that dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell have been attacking Piper and her sisters at her various places of employment since the first goddamned season and leave it at that, because I have neither the time nor the patience to scrounge up the links to each specific instance. I hate this show. Raige attempts to get Piper interested in her Mitchell-related Issue Of The Week, but Piper, God love her, already got a whiff of that crappy subplot and none-too-subtly suggests Raige leave her out of it just as Pepper Anderson, The Best Policewoman In The History Of Forever, ambles over with a friendly smile on her face. She's still under the influence of Dead Bulging Brody's special Whitelightery fairy dust, you see, and has no recollection of meeting Piper and Raige in the past. After making with the affable enough introductions, Pepper Anderson gets down to business, crossing her arms and asking for a description of the morning's attackers while prompting, "Tall? Short? White? Black?" "Didn't really get a good look at them," Raige lies. Badly. With much over-exaggerated rolling of the eyes and shrugging of the shoulders and puckering of the lips and nodding of the head. Pepper Anderson peers at the obvious epileptic with cautiously cocked brow, no doubt wondering if she should summon those paramedics for an intervention. Piper follows up with some poorly delivered tale of how they were in the back when they heard a commotion, but by the time she and Raige emerged into the bar proper, the attackers were gone. "What I don't understand," Pepper Anderson wonders, momentarily shaking off her suspicions regarding Piper and Raige's hardly believable version of events, "is why they would rob the place in the middle of the day, before you even opened?" She wonders this because Pepper Anderson, despite being The Best Policewoman In The History Of Forever, is just as fucking stupid as everyone else on this godforsaken show, and obviously does not realize that a club as wildly popular as P3 will have thousands of dollars' worth of last night's receipts sitting in the back office prior to that day's bank run. HATE.