Episode Report Card Erin: A | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT The Long Kiss Goodnight
By Erin | Season 2 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.25.2003
Jack stands up and extends his hand. Batty introduces himself. "I've been looking forward to this," says Jack. "Me as well," says Batty. And then, as their handshake comes to an end, the conference room doors ominously close behind them. Jack just looks at them, and then looks at Batty. Dun dun DUN!
Oops Center. Syd's sitting at a desk when her cell phone rings. She picks up. "Sydney," says her father, "it's me. I'm talking to [Batty] and he'd like you to come in right away. Oh, and take the surface streets. They're doing some work on the freeway." Virtuous Vaughn, who's sitting on the edge of a desk nearby, watches her intently, probably imagining her in that black lace get-up all over again. Syd hears her father's last sentence, and her chin buckles. She barely contains her emotions when she tells him that she will indeed take the surface streets. Jack hangs up the phone and turns to look at Batty, who quite frankly still looks like he could take out Harrison Ford without breaking a sweat.
Back at Oops Center, Syd spins off from the desk as Vaughn asks if her daddy got the code they need. "Syd?" he says, moving behind her. "He's compromised," pants Syd. "What?" says Vaughn. "He just said, 'Take the surface streets, they're doing some work on the freeway.'" Vaughn's all, the hell? Syd's all, okay, STUPID, it's a code we came up with last year; something to let one of us know if the other was ever discovered. You know, to warn them to stay away? GET IT? He's with Batty now, dude. HE'S WITH BATTY! Syd starts crying, covering her mouth so that everyone else around her besides her would-be boyfriend won't see her weakness. Vaughn kind of ineffectually grabs her shoulders.
Ess Dee Sex. The Long Green Hallway Of Doom. We come upon Jack in the Tiki Torture Room, doing time in the same damn chair he was in during the last episode. God-DAMN, can't this man get OUT of the torture chair? What is UP with that? When are we gonna see him doing something more useful like, I don't know, making out with Spy Mommy?
Jack's out cold. He slowly wakes up and sees Batty in front of him, pulling various things out of a medicine cabinet while wearing surgical gloves. There are so many things wrong with that statement that I don't even know where to begin. Batty steps forward with what looks like a Leatherman tool in his hand and says, "Jack. I know you are disloyal. I know your daughter is, too. Both your files, there were so many red flags, I thought I was in a Russian airport." Okay, that Russian airport quip was pretty fucking funny. I love it when J.J. directs or writes episodes. You can totally tell. He has a weird way of making non-funny shit funny.
"What I don't know," says Batty, squirting some gel-like substance onto Jack's leg and rubbing it in, "is where your loyalties lie." Yeah. Yeah, I know. He's rubbing the gel. Yeah, it's pretty gross. And here's where I think J.J. decided to kind of fuck with the Stupor Boys. Because, y'all? It's pretty damn homo-riffic. Wendy Kroy called me directly after the episode was over and was all, the HELL? "I'm gay and even THAT was a bit too gay for me!" he said, the audible sound of a Benson & Hedges exhale coming through the phone. "I'm not saying I didn't appreciate it or anything but, like, couldn't it have been, say, VAUGHN rubbing the gel into WILL'S legs? I'm just sayin'." At this point, I'm assuming, all the Stupor Boys have either passed out or left the room to go engage in more manly things like scratching their nuts or staring at pictures of Pamela Anderson.
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