Episode Report Card Erin: A | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT The Long Kiss Goodnight
By Erin | Season 2 | Episode 13 | Aired on 01.25.2003
Black screen. We hear the beginning cymbal ticks of "Back on Black" by AC/DC. God-DAMN I love that song. Takes me back to high school and hanging out at the smokestack with Otter and Kray and the other reprobates. Ah, good times. A red door at the end of a hall is in frame. As the sexy Angus Young licks hit the soundtrack, the door slams open and we get a full-on shot of Syd, dressed to the nines (or the negative nines, as the case may be, since, like, she's wearing NEXT TO NOTHING) in a black lingerie ensemble, complete with garters and a sweet little sheer black cardigan. Oh, and a whip. Did I mention the whip? Football players everywhere crush beer cans against their foreheads in pre-orgasmic shock.
Syd-licious starts her saunter down the red carpeted hall, and not only is it apparent that Jennifer Garner works out, and works out A LOT, but also that she has a long waist and some serious hips. Like, she has a great bod and everything, but I'm very happy to say that she HAS a BOD. You know what I mean? She's not some anemic stick figure who looks like she'd fall over if you whispered in her general direction. (Tara Reid? I'm talking to you. Put down the crack pipe and step away from the diet pills. Because, girl? You need a double cheeseburger in the WORST way.) No. She's healthy and vibrant and gorgeous and she almost makes me wish I were a drunken male football fanatic right now.
No, Owen. I know you're not a drunken male football fanatic and you still find Syd hot. But please remember -- and this is important -- you didn't even WATCH this show before you met me. And now you're an avowed fan, aren't you? Yes, of course, you appreciate it for its underlying tones of self-referential humor and general pandering to the overall populace. You also like the lingerie-clad ass-kicking. Admit it. And don't try to impress me with your ironic usage of big words, sweetie. I have a thesaurus and I'm not afraid to use it.
Syd-licious continues her Victoria's Secret haul down the runway and drags the whip down the side of the wall as the camera switches to a back view, completing our 360° perusal of Jennifer Garner's kickin' bod. She stands there for a moment, in order to ensure that all the Stupor Boys out there are still paying attention. Of course, the Stupor Boys' girlfriends are in the room as well, but they're watching the show for entirely different reasons.
Syd enters a small room where a fat guy in a track suit sits, stuffing his chubster face with shrimp. Another dude stands to his left for reasons unknown. We get a couple more gratuitous shots of Syd-licious standing before him, slapping her whip into her hand in a not entirely unappetizing manner, as Fat Guy gives her the once-over. He orders her, in French, to put on "the red one." Then he says something in French to his useless henchman. My captions didn't pick it up, but I imagine that it's along the lines of, "Check out her tits in that bra!" Syd just delivers a glare that, if her eyes were loaded with poisoned darts, would take out Fat Guy in about two seconds flat.
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