Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This/Sucks
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.09.2005
Anyway, about halfway down, the gold-toned velour morphs into street clothes, and the Dolt finally slams onto the bridge's pedestrian walkway, where he -- get this -- not only hits stomach-first, but also bounces back into the air after landing. Ah, the beer gut. It is so springy. And the obvious luxurious padding it provides also explains how the Dolt escaped from that fall with all of his internal organs intact. Raige and Phoebe orb instantly to his side and roll him over onto his back. Elder Q follows, just as we see that the smack against the pavement did leave the Dolt with a couple of nasty abrasions on the left side of his face. Long story short, Elder Q concedes the loss and, noting that the Dolt's "fall from grace" has left him permanently mortal, urges the three to return to the Manor quickly.
Which they do, as we note in the next shot which features Raige orbing onto the sun porch with the Dolt and the Feebs as Drake, in the foreground, gazes thoughtfully at what we're meant to believe is Piper's corpse. Those with sharp hearing, however, will note the distinctive shimmery sound of the special Whitelighter tingly touch when the shriek of Raige's orb cloud cuts out, so not so much of a surprise when Drake attempts to fake everybody out by sadly noting, "You're too late," before rising to add, "[The dead-eyed, bemulleted Psycho] already healed her!" Drake, of course, learned of the Psycho's healing ability through the Dolt's handwritten entry in the Book of Shadows, and he smiles, "Looks like you've got a second-generation Whitelighter on your hands," like, shut it, Drake. Raige is a second-generation Whitelighter, and she can't heal. Big Gay Chris was a second-generation Whitelighter, and neither could he. What. The fuck. Ever. Everybody schmoops at each other; and it's endless; and then Piper and the Dolt and the Psycho cling to each other in a grasping, near-desperate familial hug; and somewhere, poor, abused, and neglected Tiny Gay Chris descends further into his crippling self-esteem issues; and I want to die. And then it's over.
The closing travelogue, like the opening one, isn't really, as the camera simply sweeps from the Golden Gate to take in the last of the sunset over the ocean as Drake pretty much voice-overs, "Like as the waves make toward the pebbled shore / so do our minutes hasten to their end." The camera's cut over to Not!warts by the time he finishes the quote, and Phoebe wistfully admits, "I'm gonna miss Shakespeare." Only because you can't read, you dim hag. Drake, however, doesn't know this, and presents her with a leatherbound copy of the Complete Works so she'll have something to remember him by. You see, it's "pumpkin time," as he puts it, and as the agreed-upon hour of his death is at hand, we have to sit through another endlessly talky scene wherein Phoebe thanks him for reaffirming her faith in That Foul, Fiendish, Repulsive Four-Letter Word That I Hate So Much I Want To KILL, just at the moment she had been ready to give up on it for good. She wonders about his impeccable timing, but he deflects that line of questioning by twinkling, "What's magic without a little mystery?" There's more, but the upshot is, after a little macking, he rises to leave the room, and his final words to her are, "Think about me when you dance." I'd either gag at the cheesiness of that line or foolishly allow myself a small smile at it, but I fell asleep a half an hour ago and so must do neither. Drake theatrically slides out into the hallway, telekinetically shutting the doors behind him, as Phoebe whispers, more to herself than him, "I'll miss you."
Drake ambles down the hallway for a bit before Cole's disembodied voice smirks, "You did good." Cole himself materializes in a slow-moving cloud of grey specks as Drake turns to acknowledge him. "So did you," Drake offers, and gasp! It turns out Cole was behind it all -- Drake's original deal with Sebastian Roché, Drake's infiltration of the Manor's brood through the Not!warts teaching job, and tonight's initial attack by the Thorn Demons. He also presumably knew of the Elder's decision regarding the Dolt as soon as it was reached, as he had to time that attack to coincide with the Dolt's disappearance. Do not question any of it, because there are still -- still -- two more minutes of this crap left to recap, and I'm tired. I will say this, though: Given the way the character's always been presented on this show, he's certainly capable of pulling all of that off. We'll just have to assume that garbage about the heretofore unheard-of parallel-plane Limbo was a big, fat lie he concocted in order to convince Piper to go along with his plan. Again in character, so I can't really complain. And I'm rambling, so let's cut to the chase. As the clock strikes midnight, Drake collapses to the marble floor under the watchful gaze of Cole. Shortly enough, Drake's semitransparent soul sits up from his corpse, and he turns to watch his still partially demonic body disintegrate and vanish. Or something like that. And I'm just going to ignore the fact that Drake has a soul even though Charisma Carpenter didn't because again: Two more minutes. They exchange goodbyes that for some reason include much mention of the Feebs before Drake's soul dissolves into a white mist that heads up into the afterlife. Cole takes a pensive moment before turning to disappear into another slow-moving cloud of grey specks. Have fun in Miami, Cole! I hope the Carver didn't cut you too bad. Oh, and tell Kimber I said hi. I love that crazy bitch.