Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This/Sucks
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.09.2005
Down in the main hall, Piper's pleading with Detective Doormat via the cordless to do something about the Dolt's disappearance. The Doormat counsels patience, because the only fingerprints he has for the Dolt date from World War II -- and how the fuck did he get his hands on those? -- and the Dolt's photograph from that time doesn't match his current appearance. "He's too young," the Doormat whispers apologetically. Okay, it's so very nice of you guys to try to explain that the forty-five-year-old Dolt actually did look like a nineteen-year-old back in 1944, but for one thing, he didn't, as he photograph in that Marine Corps Hall Of Fame so clearly indicated back in the relevant episode, and for another, the context in which you tried to make this ridiculous claim makes no fucking sense. The Doormat can easily issue the Dolt's old photo with the explanation that it's more than a few years out of date, but still bears enough of a resemblance for identification purposes. Unless, of course, the Doormat is a complete and utter idiot not worthy of his badge. Which is always a possibility. Actually, it's a probability. HATE. ANY-way, Piper slams down the phone in frustration, then hyperventilates and flutters around the main floor for a bit, and it's clear the effects of the demonic thorn are starting to take their toll on her. She moves to the stairs to seek help from her sisters, but stumbles and falls on the first step. The shot cuts to a point-of-view from the landing as Piper pushes herself onto her feet and into the frame from below. She climbs a few steps before she notices the ominous background music, and, turning, is mildly dismayed to discover her body lying where it fell at the foot of the stairs. "Oh, no!" she sings, not sounding too terribly concerned about it all. "Am I dead again?" Okay, that was sort of amusing. But only because the rest of this episode is so fucking dull. Quite unexpectedly, a very familiar voice calls out, "No!" from the far parlor. Piper lifts her eyes to find a smartly tailored Cole leaning casually against the doorframe. Piper gapes as Cole smirks, "Well, not yet, anyway," and I'd make with the "Damn, he still looks good" type of comments at this point, but that would be pointless, because I know how good he still looks, because I've been watching the far-superior and deliriously entertaining Nip/Tuck on F/X for the last two goddamn years. Pity about his hair, though. I'm under the impression they did something drastic to it for the upcoming Fantastic Four movie, and it's still growing out. Either that, or McMahon's encroaching male pattern baldness has finally necessitated plugs, because it's all wild and overgelled up top. A couple of artfully photographed reaction shots ensue before both Piper and Cole disappear into the commercial break.
"I don't know which is worse," Piper sneers when we return, as she picks her way past her body to confront her former brother-in-law. "The fact that I'm dying," she continues, "or that apparently I'm gonna be spending my last dying moments with you." "I'd say that's what you should be worried about," Cole twinkles before smirking and teasing, "You're not looking so hot." Heh. He goes on to claim he's there to offer the help she requested right before she collapsed. Piper's about to get into it with him when Phoebe's hooting and hollering flood the room as she and Raige discover Piper's body at the foot of the stairs. Spectral, or whatever, Piper attempts to get their attention, but Cole informs her they can neither hear nor see her. Piper orders him to cram it sideways and attempts to knock over a lamp, but her arm simply whiffs through the base. "Nice try," Cole grins. "Shut up!" Piper snarls. Snerk. These two are very, very good together, and thus are eliciting giggles from me that other fools I could mention -- Phoebe -- would never manage to get with the material. Meanwhile, Drake's snapped his fingers to flash Piper's body from the floor into his arms, and he deposits her unconscious form on the center parlor's sofa as he explains the Thorn Demon's poison is slow, but fatal. The camera on the living gets all wobbly and off-kilter and quick-cutting as they run through their options. Meanwhile, Piper and Cole's reaction shots remain steady, which is a nice little touch. Drake babbles some bullshit about Piper dying because she's lost her faith in love. Piper's as annoyed with this assertion as I am, but Cole's silently sidled up to her to whisper, "Pay attention. He might be on to something." "Oh, what would you know?" Piper sneers. Hee. Drake bounds back up the stairs to abuse the Book for a cure as Phoebe and Raige cross towards the front door to, um, offer Cole an excuse to eye Phoebe as she passes and croon, "Oh, what beauty! She doth teach the torches to burn bright." Gag. Almost as if she heard Cole's entirely unwarranted compliment, Phoebe stops short and jiggles back into the center parlor to glare in the invisible Cole's direction. "What?" Raige bites. "Nothing," Phoebe shrugs, and the two continue on their way.