Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This/Sucks
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.09.2005
Back in the semi, the Dolt decides to join Elder Q "up north" just as Phoebe and Raige speed up behind them in Crazy Chloe's dilapidated truck, despite having left the middle of Nowhere, Texas, more than an hour after Elder Q did. Yeah. That could happen. Never. Raige flings open the semi's passenger door, and she and Phoebe greet the Dolt with broad smiles that die the instant they realize who's driving the rig. "What are you doing here?" Phoebe disdainfully spits at Elder Q. "And what have you done to [the Dolt]?" "We let Destiny run its course," Elder Q lies with a smug, self-satisfied smirk on his face before clapping a paw on the Dolt's arm and orbing away with him. I should be, at the very least, moderately annoyed with Elder Q for violating the terms of his fellow Elder's arrangement with the Dolt, shouldn't I? And yet I can't bring myself to care. In the least. Though in fairness to Elder Q, they should have had a scene, no matter how brief, wherein Elder Q learns of Elizabeth Dennehy's visit to counsel the Manor Morons and, realizing it was she who actually violated the terms of the agreement first, decides to interfere in his own fashion. But again: BORING! In any event, Phoebe and Raige's subsequent vacant expressions get smacked up by the final commercial break.
Manor. Raige orbs in from Texas with Phoebe and Drake, who'd apparently snapped to their sides the moment he realized Piper's physical form had become all sweaty and gross-looking. The hair, though, is fabulous. The three blither about their seemingly nonexistent options as Piper listens in from the far parlor with Cole. When it becomes clear the Dolt chose the Elders over her, she gets more than a little misty-eyed as Cole urges her to follow through with his plan of action which, he promises her, will save her entire family. Having little other choice, Piper dissolves into a spray of twinkling white lights that drifts across the room to reinfuse her body with its soul. Once so rejoined, Piper heaves a shuddering gasp and deliriously calls for her husband. Phoebe, for some asinine reason, instantly realizes what's going on and orders Raige to orb her to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge. Raige is supremely skeptical, but complies. Once they're gone, Drake takes a moment -- and it's not clear if he's acknowledging Cole's presence, suddenly stumbling across a cunning plan of his own, or both -- before darting out of the frame as sweaty Piper groans and mutters and wheezes. "You can do it, Piper," Cole breathes.
Bridge. Oh, crap. I hate this scene. Raige orbs in atop the tower with the Feebs, who immediately bellows for Elder Q and the Dolt. Stupidly enough, Elder Q promptly orbs in with the Dolt in question. Uh. Buh? I thought the Dolt would never again have contact with them once he chose the other side? Stupid, stupid show. There follows an endless argument wherein Elder Q confesses that he unduly influenced the Dolt's decision because, as he puts it, "some things are too important to be left to chance." The Dolt? "Too important"? Yank on the other one for a while, Q. And since you failed to stick to the original agreement, the Dolt's under no compunction to keep his up end of the bargain, right? Whatever. Like any of this matters. Phoebe, justifiably outraged for the first time in a very long while, screams and rants and raves and such as the Dolt's placid, amnesiac facade slowly begins to crack. Meanwhile, I'm wondering why the winds at the top of that Bridge aren't blowing Phoebe's malnourished ass halfway across the Pacific Ocean. Back at the Manor, sweaty Piper snaps into full consciousness just long enough to shout the Dolt's name before dying. The Dolt apparently hears this, and, as promised by Cole, it's enough of a shock to rip him out of his amnesia. Of course it is. As Phoebe, Raige, and Elder Q wonder what the fuck he thinks he's doing, the Dolt silently and deliberately paces over to the tower's edge, and hello, crappy City Of Angels rip-off! The Dolt spreads his arms wide and dives face-first towards the road deck far, far below. With his Birkenstocks the last thing to leave the tower. And ooops! I'm sorry. Did I say "face-first"? I meant "beer-gut-first," because that's apparently what's dragging him down towards the deck, as we learn when the shot of him falling cuts to a mortifyingly unflattering side view. Doesn't help that they've evidently positioned an industrial fan beneath Krause for this shot, and the resulting upwards sweep of the gold-toned velour only emphasizes the size of his stomach. Ew. Also: Hee! Poor Brian Krause. He really should sue.