Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This/Sucks
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.09.2005
"I think," Piper explains, casually returning to their interrupted conversation as if nothing had happened, and hee, "Phoebe's just been unlucky in love lately." "Lately"? Did your brain slide out of your ear too, Piper? Rrrrgh. And by the way, that's the four-letter word I was talking about earlier. You know, the L word. Alas, unlike the last time I revived the Pee-wee's Playhouse Secret Phrase Screamfest for a recap, I'll not be able to transcribe its every appearance in this episode, as this particular word pops up so many goddamned times in the dialogue this evening, the recap would end up being a thirty-seven-page repeating string of "[Blah blah blah] LOVE" followed by "AAAAAUAAUAAAGH!" I don't have time for that bullshit, so you're on your own with this one. Amusingly enough, several on the boards, having read the spoiler script, tried to play a drinking game with that word when this originally aired, only to discover they'd passed out by the end of the first act. Heh. Though I can't say for certain if that was from intoxication or boredom. In any event, Raige snides something sarcastic as the sounds of more demonic squiggling hit the soundtrack. Raige and Piper, startled, whip around to find three more of tonight's "Thorn Demons" loitering menacingly at the far end of the alleyway. They have unique versions of their fallen comrade's tribal tattoos snaking across their faces and arms, but what's really important is that the two guys are even hotter than the one Piper just smoked. Woof. Piper, instantly panicked, whirls around to shove the still-frozen innocent to the ground as one of the hot demons conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death, which he hurls in the gals' direction. The shot cuts to a low angle from the demons' end of the alleyway, and we watch as the FBOD zips over The Paragon's head to slam harmlessly into the brick wall behind her as Piper and Raige scamper behind a Dumpster. Raige spots a length of pipe in said Dumpster and, annoyingly enough, sends it streaking through the air with her orbing telekinesis by crying, "Um. Ugly, metal...thing!" Raige. You graduated from Berkeley. Call it a fucking pipe, you moron. The pipe shrieks towards the two male Thorn Demons -- who are rather conveniently lined up in a row -- and, in what I must admit is a pretty decent combination of effects and stunt work, proceeds to impale both of the hotties before the force of its impact tosses them backwards towards a door, in which the sharpened end of the thing embeds itself. The hot demons hang there for a moment before bursting into flame in impalement order and vanishing towards The Waste Land. The pipe, thus freed of their weight, boings up and down a bit before the shot cuts over to the female demon, who blows a massive stream of thorns through her lips from her puffed cheeks in the Glamorous Ladies' direction. Piper immediately unleashes the Hands, and the last demon explodes even as she continues to spit her spiky missiles at the Ps. "Ahhhh!" Piper winces as one of those missiles plows into the fleshy heel of her left hand. Raige flutters and winces and plucks the dart from Piper's palm as Piper herself tightly rages, "Did we know that the female spits THORNS?" Raige wrinkles her nose uneasily before the shot cuts over to...
...the Manor, where Raige orbs the slightly injured Piper onto the sun porch. "We really need to have [the Dolt] look at this," Raige urges, examining the damage to Piper's hand. "It's fine," Piper shrugs as she crosses into the main hall, just in time to catch the Dolt himself wandering onto the stairwell landing, clad in his hideous gold velour Elder robes. "Why are you wearing those?" Piper eyebrows warily. "The [ever-useless] Elders made their decision," the Dolt murmurs. "I have to go." Piper, predictably enough, gets shrill, babbling something about the kids being at Not!warts and the Dolt not being able to say goodbye and wah, until the Dolt descends the remaining stairs to assure her that he'll be back soon enough. Piper's not having it, though, and the Dolt's forced to remind her, "You're the one who said the [ever-useless] Elders couldn't yank me away, remember?" "That was before I had all this time to stress out about it," Piper retorts. The Dolt counters that, at the very least, they'll now know one way or the other what his punishment will bzzzzzzzzzz. Seriously, you nattering nitwits. Enough with the damn chatter and get to the action already. We know you're worried, and we know you've been worried for quite some time. Shut up about it, already. And still they keep talking! Bastards. Finally -- finally -- Piper and the Dolt exchange kisses and "I love yous" before the Dolt orbs up towards the ceiling. "Good luck!" Raige calls after him. As some low, ominously mournful strings and horns thrum away on the soundtrack, Piper gazes at the space her husband had been occupying before dropping her eyes into the opening credits.