Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This/Sucks
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.09.2005
Anyway, Piper clomps into the center parlor and collapses onto the sofa with her head in her hands as Phoebe tries and fails to deliver one of her absolutely stirring pep talks, falteringly insisting they'll find the Dolt one way or the other before she, too, gives up and perches dejectedly on the sofa's arm. Raige rages something about her sisters' apparent abdication of their responsibilities to the Dolt, or whatever, leading Phoebe to sigh that perhaps they should just face facts. "Perhaps we're not meant to find love," she explains as Drake frowns at her in the background. "Think about it," she continues over Raige's objections. "How many Halliwell women have actually been able to hold onto their men?" I can think of two right off the bat -- those two being Past Piper and Past Phoebe -- so fuck off and die, you idiot. Sure, one of those guys was a dark demonic force sent from the flaming maw of General Hospital, but beggars can't be choosers, now can they? Shut up again, Phoebe. "Might as well be nuns," Piper supposes, before adding as an afterthought, "with better outfits." She's kidding with that, right? She's kidding with that, RIGHT?
Drake, having had enough of the gloom and doom, flings his gloves to the floor with a flourish -- geddit? -- and steps forward to issue a pep talk of his own, and Mr. Zane? You are quite valiantly attempting to inject a little zing into this dismally boring episode, but it's a losing battle, my friend, even for you. After proclaiming Piper and the Dolt's love affair to be "epic, like Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, and Brad and Jennifer" -- all of which, Piper snorts, were "tragedies" -- he whisks Phoebe off the sofa's arm into a dipping embrace while blathering something about...I don't know, which for some reason kick-starts the gals' collective interest in actually solving the problem at hand. Drake and the revitalized Phoebe will head to the nonexistent attic to abuse the Book of Shadows while Raige performs research of her own at Not!warts. Meanwhile, Piper's to contact Detective Doormat and persuade him to issue a missing persons report immediately. As her sisters and Drake vanish from the room, Piper eases herself to her feet, then unexpectedly staggers backwards a bit. She passes a hand across her forehead before glancing down at the wound left by the demonic thorn. Uh oh. Not. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.