Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This/Sucks
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.09.2005
More Stand-like twanging hits the soundtrack as the shot cuts back over to the middle of Nowhere, Texas, where The Only Bar In This One-Street Hick Burg sports a prominent Coors sign, so you know all of the town's residents are archconservative, homophobic shitheads -- a fact seemingly confirmed when the camera ducks into the sheriff's office, which features a massive portrait of Shrub on the far wall. You know, the one from his first term where he's grinning like a deranged and sadistic monkey cokehead. The pot-bellied sheriff has just finished taking the amnesiac Dolt's fingerprints and passes them to his deputy so they can be entered into the national database. The sheriff and the Dolt chat for a bit, with the sheriff attempting to jostle the Dolt's memory, but it's of no use. The Dolt remains entirely clueless about his past until someone slams the office door behind him. Startled, he spins with his hands automatically flung out to crispify the door-slammer with massive sprays of sporking electricity. Of course, this doesn't happen, but he does flash back to the Underworld torture scene in "The Bare Witch Project" for the briefest of moments. A bit terrified, he shoots back into the present to gape and goggle at the overall-clad, gimme-cap-wearing, slack-jawed, door-slamming yokel he'd have fried if he still had his powers. The sheriff affably notes that the Dolt's bound to be a bit "jumpy" given everything he's likely to have been through, and offers to escort the Dolt over to "Nadine's" for something to eat while his deputy searches for the Dolt's prints online. The Dolt hesitates, but eventually agrees.
Back in the nonexistent attic, Phoebe's fruitlessly scrying for her missing brother-in-law over a map of the world. "We'll never find him," she despairs. "Not scrying, anyway," she continues, dropping the crystal onto the table and pivoting her head to address Drake, seated at her side. "And I don't think we're gonna make it to the Taj Mahal by sunset," she adds. You see, they've planned out a series of globe-hopping jaunts for Drake's last day on earzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Seriously. BORING. About the only thing that matters in the conversation that follows -- a conversation liberally sprinkled with that four-letter word I am starting to HATE -- is that Drake's happy enough to die that evening as long as he completes one last mission. What last mission, you ask? Why, to ensure Phoebe does not give up on That Foul Four-Letter Word. Why is this important? Because Cole's involved, as we shall eventually learn. However, Drake of course neglects to mention Cole's role. Just keep it in mind for later. If you haven't plunged into a coma by that point. Anyway, Raige orbs into the nonexistent room from Not!warts to announce, "It looks as if the [ever-useless] Elders have had an original thought for once, because there's no precedent for what they've done to [the Dolt]." Heh. That was kind of a funny line, wasn't it? Pity it had to be delivered by Muggy McGowan over there. Phoebe admits that her scrying's been in vain, so Raige steps up to the table to try it herself, the idea being that her Whitelightery half might "connect" with something remaining in the Dolt, despite the fact that they KNOW he's been stripped of his powers, and I HATE this show, and I want to die.