Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This/Sucks
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.09.2005
"Well!" Raige sarcastically brights over at Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World as she hangs up on someone with whom she'd been discussing the Dolt's disappearance. "A hundred and fifty police stations down," she continues, "and only a bajillion to go!" And given this episode's excruciatingly torpid pace, I bet we're going to listen to you calling each and every one of them. Ugh. Phoebe, who's donned a jacket that looks like it crawled out of Jacqueline Susann's Pucci-clad and decaying derriere just so it could maul the Fun Bags, mumbles something encouraging, which leads to endless babbling over Elizabeth Dennehy's earlier exhortation regarding hope and not giving up on same until the Doormat ambles over with some more missing persons reports. However, nothing really happens until a uniformed cop appears with news of the Texan pickup truck's crash that morning and "John Doe's" role in saving the driver's life. Raige and the Doormat exchange a significant look.
Middle Of Nowhere, Texas: Diner Division. The Dolt emerges onto the porch to scan his surroundings, which we get a look at via a Dolt P.O.V. of the diner's dirt parking lot. The camera pans past an egregious couple necking by their car, before landing on a semi whose driver's side door is emblazoned with a Bridge-bearing logo for the "California Golden Gate Produce Company." Emerging from the cab? None other than the duplicitous Elder Q, who's there to make with a little unsanctioned interference in the stupid Dolt's stupid Destiny quest. The Dolt approaches Elder Q to ask if he's going to San Francisco. Elder Q instantly offers the Dolt a ride. No, not like that. Ew. I just...no. Gross. The Dolt hops in, and Elder Q steers the rig out onto the highway. As it chugs off into the distance, the camera pans down to one of those handmade directional signs of the sort they had at the 4077th, which notes that the Bay Area's 1750 miles from their current location. London, incidentally, is 4604 miles in the other direction, and Honolulu clocks in at 3716 miles distant. Let the triangulation of their current position begin. God knows that little exercise is going to be a hell of a lot more interesting than this fucking episode.
Back in the nonexistent attic, Billy Zane engages in a bit of supposedly whimsical and entertaining business with the Book of Shadows that is actually neither, before landing on the Dolt's "Tips For Future Whitelighters" entry. Now, you know I like to be thorough and transcribe these things, but the Dolt's handwriting is so hopelessly crabbed that the page is practically illegible, so fuck it. And...scene.