Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT This/Sucks
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 16 | Aired on 04.09.2005
"Stubbornness is definitely a family trait," Cole muses from the depths of an armchair in the parlor below as he lifts a framed photograph of the Feebs from a nearby table, despite the fact that Piper couldn't knock over that damned lamp earlier, so I have no idea how he's able to pick up the picture, and this show sucks, and I want to die, but whatever, because this episode is BORING! Phoebe, by the way, looks like fifteen different kinds of ass in the portrait, mainly because her hair's pulled up into -- and I am not kidding with this -- a pair of Mickey Mouse ears on either side of her head. Oh, Phoebe. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah: Cole's made that observation because Piper's apparently made multiple attempts to exit the Manor's ground floor through various walls, windows, and doors, despite the fact that all those attempts have ended as her current one does, with the supernatural whatever controlling this plane of existence hurling her back into the room. As her body's not officially dead yet, she's not really a ghost, you see, and so must remain in close proximity to her physical form. Just go with it. Please. There follows an endless scene revolving around That Foul, Fiendish, Repulsive Four-Letter Word that's barely salvaged by the rampant McMahon and Combs chemistry. I'll not be transcribing it. I will, however, share with you all a comment made by the lovely and talented Couch Baron, with whom I was chatting online while this episode aired:
Couch Baron: God, this episode sucks. What is this Sensei Cole bullshit?
Indeed. Oh, and look at that! Another commercial break. Hooray!
Middle Of Nowhere, Texas: Diner Division. Phoebe and Raige enter with Piper's wedding photo in hand and immediately accost Crazy Chloe, who confirms that the Dolt was there and left about an hour ago, headed west in "a big rig." Raige dials Detective Doormat to get the state police involved as Phoebe basically commandeers Crazy Chloe's truck. Rude! Then again, Crazy Chloe fucking deserves it. Do you remember what she did to her poor kid? Strung-out bitch.
Cut to Phoebe and Raige improbably speeding down the highway in Crazy Chloe's dilapidated truck, which seems to be held together with nothing more than duct tape. They burble at each other for a moment before we cut again to the Dolt and Elder Q, who are sharing some bullshit philosophical discussion in the semi's cab. For some reason, the dashboard is lined with stuffed chickens. No, I don't get it, either. Unless it's some sort of subtle Dolt slam. Heh. Long story short, the duplicitous and faux-affable Elder Q leads the still amnesiac and generally clueless Dolt to choose the [ever-useless] Elders over his family. D'oh!
Manor. Parlor. Long-winded scene between Piper and Cole that basically results in the following: He confesses he's actually there to prevent Phoebe from giving up on That Foul, Fiendish, Repulsive Four-Letter Word That I Hate while accepting full blame for his role in Phoebe's current emotional whatever, and NOBODY CARES, Cole. He also almost convinces Piper that, by allowing her body to die, she'll send some sort of psychic shock wave that will jolt the Dolt out of his Elder-induced amnesia. At the last minute, however, Piper angrily rejects his proposal, insisting both that she'll not abandon her sons and that her sisters will figure out a way to snap the Dolt out of his funk themselves. Piper. Really. Dumb and Dumber coming up with a better plan of action than the Colethazor? Get a grip, woman. Also: Next!