Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT New Modes
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2008
Betty ... this part is weird because it's like a Mark and Amanda scene where they say something incredibly fucked up but really fast so you have to rewind it, except what she's saying isn't hilarious, just weird, as she explains in one sentence that somehow, while traveling across the country, she fell in with bicycling lesbians who have survived illnesses. Because sometimes that happens, I guess. In certain areas of the northern Midwest they just roam free, I heard. Survivor lesbians are the hardiest type of bicyclists there are. They are friendly and fun to talk to and very helpful, but just remember not to ever call anybody a "pussy" or a "bitch" in front of them, even jokingly, because you will spend the rest of the day being educated about some things.
Betty wants to tell their stories in Mode, along with other ideas she has had, and trapped for keeping in a big Betty-bling binder with a lightbulb on the front of it. Justin loves all of this, because since he spends the entire episode sitting in a chair he has to emote in new ways. Hilda is weirded out by Brand New Betty, and starts perseverating on a hideous turquoise dove pendant around her neck. Oh, yes: that's her power animal. It embodies the feminine energies of peace and maturity. Having grown up in New Mexico and Arizona, I can tell you that the first person who says "power animal" to me is getting punched in the face.
Hilda asks if, pursuant to a greater question she has yet to corner, this too was a gift from Peg. "No, she said feminine energy," Justin says. Justin is full of hate crimes today. Betty starts to tell them about her plans, but then Ignacio comes into the living room wearing a burger place uniform. Apparently, Betty's trip around the liminal spaces of America and her own sexuality has inspired him to flip burgers. That's ... much like a compliment, Ignacio. Randomly, he discovers his name Bedazzled onto the back in a hugely ghetto fashion, but Justin's logic is unassailable: "I was trying to put the 'U' in 'uniform'!" It's exactly this dedication to being himself and standing out in a crowd and marching to his own disco beat that's going to get Justin murdered.
Everybody takes this non-opportunity to awkwardly start cross-talking and yelling at each other for no reason other than so that Betty can yell really loud and they all stop talking again. OMG, that was as hilarious and fresh as it is in every movie and TV show, ever. What's more disappointing than lazy bullshit writing filler like that? Watching Betty build castles in the sky about her coping skills and self-reliance, and then knock them down. So here is Betty's plan. Which by the way is written on a placemat or something, in crayon, plus apparently Betty has the handwriting of the Unabomber as a little child: