Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT New Modes
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2008
That little French bastard finally comes out of the bathroom or wherever, and spots Daniel asleep in a chair with some soup (or salad). They have a long conversation in Dora-approved Franglish where they say everything twice and it's ridiculous and now I am drunk also. Basically they love each other and Daniel is apologetic about how being his dad also means acting like his dad and occasionally you have to force-feed them déjeuner before you let them eat cake.
PLAYA. Everybody cheers at the looped footage of Betty riding into the unsavory ladies (Uno: "Taste the watermelon!") and Daniel decides to daddy-bear them too, but Betty appears and admits that, as usual, her stupid actions are hilarious. But also, she agrees with Daniel that Team Playa is a bunch of idiots: which is why they should (INT: PLAYA OFFICES. BETTY: "Put it on the Playa website and leak it online." I don't know what any of this means but I know the WGAw fucked us on this last year. -- Wells) so that they can appeal to their demographic, which is themselves: 18-39 year old idiots who respond to this kind of humor. Uno has a newfound respect for Betty, Daniel has an oldfound same, everybody cheers her instead of booing. It's all just so formulaic.
Betty comes up the five flights toting a bucket and mop and whatever people use, and hears strange sounds coming from 5G. I am still no closer to figuring out the "cellar door" type linguistic reasons that "rape whistle" is the funniest phrase in the English language, because it really shouldn't be. Anyway, she puts her rape whistle in her mouth and heads inside, and it's Team Suarez scrubbing it up and painting over that lovely green paint.
She's wearing -- because aesthetic and design are essential in living a beautiful life -- a neon skirt in Electrocuted Youth blue and neon tights of Get That Looked At Right Away pink -- and her sister (Whose boobs look fantastic right now! You go, Glen Coco!) is wearing everything Vanessa Abrams ever put on herself, in shades of Get Aubergine Yourself purple and Whatever Happened To Natasha Lyonne rose. Hilda's boobs look really good. Betty randomly tells Hilda that she's her total hero because she managed to overcome whatever it is and succeed, plus the great dude attached to Eddie Cibrian's ass. Hilda says she's not all blue skies and puppy kisses, but does not yet admit her whoredom.
On the cheapest most insultingly crappy greenscreen of I guess Times Square, Mark and Wili act bizarre about how she ended up getting the billboard after all, and a huge terrifying Wilhelmina stares down at all her minions. Mark says her triple threat scores are "Editor, Diva, and ... Threat." Which better than Bitch, which is what he was about to say. They sing Ripa's praises for playing their evil games of PR obfuscation, which is why that show was created in the first place, and Mark pronounces her "as reliable as she is fertile." I too remember when jokes about Kelly Ripa's billion children were fresh and new. I feel young again.