Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT New Modes
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2008
Betty makes kind of a powerful point here about how her Mom spent her entire life sacrificing to make sure that she and Hilda and Ignacio were happy, and between her husband getting murdered and her getting pregnant with the killer, then escaping across the border with him into the United States*, she never got to know what it was like to work it on a runway, get an overpriced apartment in Manhattan, go bicycling with lesbian survivors, or all the other meaningful things that make life living. All that dumb bitch did was raise a couple of beautiful, intelligent, strong daughters, make a wonderful home for them, then die. What a waste! Never even saw an iPhone. Or Eddie Cibrian's ass.
America Forever is a powerhouse when it comes to acting this kind of stuff, not to mention how weird it must be to do this whole emotional monologue without anybody but a headstone to talk to. She kind of breaks down a little bit talking about how it's time to figure out who she is, by specifically herself, without a bunch of horseshit going on. She doesn't know what she's going to find, but she knows where to start. She puts a picture of Ignacio and Mom on the abundant heap of lovely flowers at the grave, says goodbye to her Mom, and then the unmistakably exciting chords of "Roam" (See? Magic) start up over the title card.
(*It's possible I invented some, or all, of this.)
The screen goes scratchy like an old-time moviola and then it's a bunch of postcards of Betty visiting all kinds of lame clichéd places like the Grand Canyon and great big balls of twine or some shit. But then, if our positions were reversed and I was touring her native lands, I would totally be going to the Statue of Liberty and looking for Hubbell outside the Plaza and stalking Tim Gunn and whatever shameless touristy stuff. My new dream job is to give Gossip Girl bus tours, like, "Coming up on your right you'll see one of Chuck Bass's favorite spots for raping people..."
Anyway, it goes on for like the entire length of the song, and a pattern develops regarding Betty's fondness for ... bicycling lesbians? I wish that it had been some other song, because that song is overused and cheesy and literal. What about -- given our guest star particularly -- "Oh My God" by Mark Ronson? Same idea, but less '90s-fierce. Which is not fierce at all. She shows Hilda and Justin a picture of herself and "Peg" eating -- given our guest star particularly -- "clam chowder," in San Francisco. Man, after you've had Grubstick I guess there's no point in driving stick at all. Justin, proving that drag queens v. lesbians is intrinsic from birth, like handedness or ninjas v. pirates, smarts off about "that's a lady?!" Hilda rightfully smacks him one, but remains privately concerned about Betty's new ... directions.