Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT New Modes
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2008
Mark offers to slap her out of her shock, but she grabs his wrist in the nick of time with her viper-like reflexes and points at what is indeed a Hot Flash cover, with Claire looking just ridiculous, like if you imagine yourself as a housewife in 1982 dreaming of being a romance novelist, that is what your author photo would look like, basically. On a yacht wearing a very flowy gown in Post-Menstrual raspberry. A vicious idea forms in Wilhelmina's mind like the Demon Seed of Slater-Meade in a drunken Scottish womb.
Oh! Speaking of. Christina looks fucking gorgeous, by the way, walking through the streets with Betty and trying to slap a happy face on the whole Playa thing. She says she's starving and wants falafel, even though it makes her gassy, which is fine because she's pregnant so apparently she can fart in public and talk about it in public. I think Christina just set an all-time record for how long it takes me to get tired of her shtick. She's like the Sookie St. James of this show: no justification for my hatred of her at all. Only shame about how unnecessary it is. Betty drags poor, underused, gorgeous annoying Christina toward the NATC of her dreams -- which is right above a falafel shop. If Christina farts in this episode I am telling you: I am through. Shortest assignment ever.
Hilda and Coach Tony bask in the afterglow of fucking, on a loveseat, in a family living room, under a crocheted blanket, near a street-level window. Gross. I know the Cibrian cannot be denied, but you couldn't hit the stairs? Or the floor? Or anywhere besides that couch, which I always imagined smelled like chorizo anyway? Um, this scene exists mainly to remind you that Tony is married and lying To The Vanilla Ice Extreme about how he's getting a divorce, etc. lying etc. like they always do, and they keep having romantic seconds that are ripped away by the wife's annoying ringtone.
I used to like Hilda the most out of anybody on this show besides the obvious Betty, but: if he says he's going to leave his wife? You say "Great, see you then." Anything else is a lack of self-control -- which is disgusting -- or you're in denial and secretly know that he never will -- which is even more disgusting. Both ways, the only person you're disrespecting is yourself.
The apartment in which Christina is probably about to fart is bright yellow -- Psycho Canary yellow and not Limoncello Yacht Morning yellow, or even I Can Easily Believe That It's Butter yellow -- which as the most horrible color of all time is also Betty's favorite. Christina goes all Debbie Downer about how somebody else is going to get it, then talks loud annoying Scottish shit about the apartment and chases off another couple, then it's back to going negative all over Betty about the apartment, can she afford it, what will she do, but all this wisdom is nothing compared to the shit-covered vermin that lands on the windowsill right then.