Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT New Modes
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2008
Daniel has finally located a fitted tee and some board shorts, which is the last nail in the coffin of my caring if he ever gets back to Mode. DJ has glued Betty to her chair, which is not funny, although it's pretty cute when he wheels her into the conference area to talk about the idea binder. A fairly cute-ish dude named Uno offers his thoughts on things, particularly how much he liked the story about the lesbian victims on bicycles. In fact, it's going to be the cover story. I sense an impending "natch."
There it is: the Playa angle is that it's going to be a pictorial about six hot girls on motorcycles, hitting all the biggest "party towns" of America. The assembled braintrust of Playa gives a heart boo to: diseases, old women, forty-year-old women, etc. What do they not boo? Harley Effin' Davidson. Talk about a brand overhaul. I can't imagine how deep you'd have to go to make motorcycles anything other than 100% Whiskey Tango. So now Betty's heading up the "biker chicks of Playa" event at a Harley show tomorrow, since it was her "original concept." Of course, it's Betty and her surfeit of self-esteem we're talking about, so all it takes is a round of applause from all the fake-boobed and goatee/beer-gutted masses, and she's sold.
Wilhelmina goes through looks with the stylists, ripping into them awesomely. "You give me Japanese floral garden kimonos?" (Mark: "More like kinonos!" Hee!) Next: "Dragon prints, Margaret? Really? After all these years," which is my favorite part of the scene -- like dragon prints are the equivalent of sleeping with somebody's husband -- after this sequence of awesome events: "And thank you, Rodrigo, for the gift of whiteface kabuki makeup. You really put the 'gay' in 'geisha.'" (Mark: "You should all kill yourselves.") I didn't know it until it happened, but it turns out I've been waiting 30.5 years to hear somebody tell somebody they put the "gay" in "geisha."
Wili reminds them all that this is the most important issue of Mode, or any magazine or periodical, of all time, and that their families will be killed if they don't perform. Alexis comes in, and Romijn's pregnancy boobs are so distractingly gigantic I've given them names as a sign of respect. The left one is Witch Baby and the right one is Cherokee Bat.
As soon as Alexis and the girls enter, Wili sends Mark off to make a call to Regis [&] Kelly. In fact, it is Gelman who answers -- Wili's crestfall at this fact is a beautiful thing -- and soon enough she's gotten herself (and more importantly Alexis) a booking on Live! As though this were exciting or interesting in any way, Alexis goes running around like a total moron pissing herself about "what am I gonna wear?" and bumping into things. I just ... did I completely miss the episode where she shit out her brain? If Romijn weren't already quitting I'd do it on her behalf. I miss Pepper Dennis sometimes, I won't lie.