Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT New Modes
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2008
"It's my power animal," Betty moans in awe, and Christina's like, "Um, it's a pigeon." Betty, dorking out even in comparison to her usual self, talks pigeon at the thing while brandishing her power animal at it like some lost episode of Les Mystérieuses Cités d'Or, as DJ probably knows it, and she's about to unlock the freaky Mayan power of the pigeon.
Some girl snatches the place out from under her, and then the real estate agent -- whose stereotypical Star Wars ching-chong racist Yellow Peril accent varies widely from moment to moment -- scares Betty into taking a completely different apartment, sight unseen, on a higher floor. Christina, distracted by thoughts of falafel and flatulence to come, apparently forgets to babysit Betty's stupid ass for five seconds, and suddenly Betty is totally down. This is apparently because she has to live here or in the immediate vicinity due to her spirit animal being in the window. Betty Suarez, sometimes your spirit animal is retardedness. This is one of those times.
Hilda carts a box up five flights of stairs toward Betty's apartment, and they are both nearly dying by the time they get there. Betty says this way she won't even have to go to the gym, which she doesn't do anyway, blah blah blah, all you get when you play to the cheap seats is stupid viewers. Here's what I think: they're going to act like it's a shithole, and scream and yell, but the obvious architectural beauty of the apartment, and the amount of light it gets, are not things that can be cosmetically altered really for this phase of the story, so it's going to strike false when they act like it's some kind of abattoir.
Unless it is actually covered in blood, or feces, you can't fake a good apartment, and I can't see this show going there no matter how realistic it would be. Then Betty will whine for awhile but eventually she'll pull herself up by her bootstraps and take control of her life via her environment, and it will be beautiful, and they'll play either "Dancing With Myself" or "Suddenly I See," and she will dance around her apartment and claim her space, and we will all learn a little something about self-acceptance and not bitching about totally cute NATC. If I'm wrong, this show rocks. If I'm right...?
...Um, it's totally cute. There's a small puddle, and a questionable mattress, but architecturally it's awesome and the windows are larger than a Honda Fit. Fuck this! Betty, who's clearly months later still struggling with the aftereffects of getting beaned by a softball, has the nerve to be confused: "It's supposed to look exactly like the other one!" IT DOES, YOU HALFWIT.