Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT New Modes
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2008
Mark fans himself hilariously: "...Like taking candy from a tranny." (Which again, would be kinda offensive if we weren't so sure of his power-twink capacity for "taking" "candy" already, if you see what I'm saying and I think that you do, which again leads to: WHERE THE EFF IS CLIFF. Did he die and I don't remember it? Did Mark dump him for being too smoking hot? I just can't remember anymore. In my head he was like the lead character besides Betty, and I know that can't be right, so who knows.)
Betty's still on the phone complaining about how stupid she is to a person who does not care, and Amanda and Mark ambush her, begging her to do "something amazingly awful and embarrassing," and of course DJ shoots silly string (EXT: HARLEY SHOW. Short skirts, chicks on bikes, silly string. You know, all the stuff that gets our viewership off.) in her stupid face, and she tells Daniel to man up, and he returns the suggestion before running off, and then Ginger runs up babbling about how it's a 411 or a 911 or whatever because they lost the "R" in P-L-A-Y-A to that little French bastard's silly string and now who will represent that lonely, lovely letter. Jesus, really? ...Yeah. That'd be Betty.
Part of what keeps me internally balanced and uncrazed is pretending that Regis Philbin doesn't exist, so simultaneously: this will be quick, and this would be why. They talk about how Wili took over Mode from Alexis's fuckup brother (Alexis makes a firm-lipped smile about this and is a total hypocritical idiot); how she had to do this because Alexis is a terrible publisher who thinks with her giant fake boobs and because the only thing stupider than girls is MTFs (still smiling, still repugnant); how Daniel's been moved to Playa where the boobs are plentiful and the responsibilities few, which is right in his wheelhouse... What else is there to talk about?
That's right! This is all aperitif and amuse gueule nastiness before we head to the point, which is torpedoing Hot Flash. Regis, as a historically sexist clueless weirdo, says he thought it was a joke, not Claire Meade's pet project, and Regis gets the title: "Oh, it's like menopause! It's a magazine about lady business!" Which, okay, is funny. But not as funny as Kelly's followup: "I know it's real, but I don't necessarily want to read about it." Just like Sarah Palin's family!
Regis gives a real-life example: "Brittle & Horny: Afraid Your Bones Will Crack In The Sack?" And then he doesn't say anything else. Nope, nothing at all, no self-deprecating anecdotal comments, nothing of the sort. He just lets that be the punchline, and you should too. Don't fuckin' argue with me: there are things the human heart was built to handle, and then there's Regis's Bone. Cracking. In the Sack.