Episode Report Card 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Li'l Orphan Retard
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.15.2006
...the nonexistent attic, where Piper's just now completing a vanquish that will not work on the demons of the week because they're unvanquishable, and she should know this because she was told they're unvanquishable about seventeen times in her last scene, but whatever, because this show is ass, and even though this show is CANCELLED!, I still want to die. And this is the point where I stopped caring about this subplot, too, because Piper and the Nit!wits are all, "OMG! We can't vanquish them because they're unvanquishable! Whatever shall we do?" and I was all, "You know, The Retarded Bimbo can alter reality with her mind. Why don't you just have her think real hard for a second and then deploy the Mighty Hands Of Discontent on what will by then be the Noxons' most eminently vanquishable asses, morons?" This show. This stupid, awful, stupid, evil show. ANY-way. The Noxons eventually squiggle into the nonexistent room behind Piper, who can tell the instant the kids' faces fall that something very wicked is standing at her back. "Get down!" she hisses, just as Pator whips a Flaming Ball Of Death in the Nit!wits' direction. Ryan and Jen manage a dodge at the last second, though, so the FBOD just fizzles out against the table. Piper spins to fling a vanquishing vial at Rondok's chest that he intercepts in mid-air with an FBOD of his own. Pator slings another FBOD at her head, so this time it's her turn to sniper towards the carpet, only she retrieves yet another vanquishing vial from the table as she goes. This one actually connects with Pator's torso, and the demon in question unleashes an agonized howl as his features distort and his body glows red for a moment before his altered genetics, or whatever, shrug off most of the vial's effects. The moment Pator recovers from the attempted vanquish, Rondok latches onto his brother's shoulders and squiggles them both the hell on out of there. Before vanishing into the next commercial break, Piper makes with the quippy remarks that I do not care to transcribe because they involve the supposed unvanquishability of the demons of the week which: see above regarding The Ultimate Retard's power over time and space. Fuck you, show.
Park. Maggot Neck. Chrissssty. Ma Retard. Pa Retard. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty reunites after fifteen years of demonic captivity with her parents, and I'm sure it would be oh, so very touching if I were awake to witness it. At some point, Piper summons The Ultimate Retard back to the Manor to deal with the Noxon issue, and at some later point, Candor halts time to pillar into the park and berate Chrissssty for going off-mission, or whatever. Yaaaaaaaaawn. …Oh. Ooops. This part's actually somewhat interesting. Openly Evil Chrissssty hops off the bench she'd been sitting on with her mother, and strides up to Candor in the middle of the park to rant at him for interrupting the tender and heartwarming reunion I just slept through. Referring to Chrissssty's parents, Candor peeves by way of response, "They're swaying you, and you know it. Don't make me take matters into my own hands!" Chrissssty replies by enveloping his body in a curtain of fire that he rather amusingly stink-eyes with annoyance before telekinetically smothering it. "You don't have the power to destroy me," he reminds her, "and you won't, either, until you're free of the ties that bind!" He pillars downwards, sort of passively-aggressively restarting time as he goes, so Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty -- suddenly, from her parents' perspective, standing fifteen away from where she'd been sitting -- will be forced to explain that bit of wacky hijinks to Ma and Pa on her own.