Episode Report Card 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Li'l Orphan Retard
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.15.2006
...The Abandoned Warehouse Of Supposedly Unvanquishable Wickedness. Candor unexpectedly appears to offer the boys a deal: He'll help them off a Charmed One if they, in turn, "remove a small obstacle to [Candor's] goals." "Interested?" Candor smugs. Pator glances nervously at Rondok, who glowers his way into the next commercial break.
Nonexistent Attic. Not caring! I do not care! Especially because Maggot Neck actually says as part of her very first line in this scene, "I figure if we can't vanquish them, we might as well give them something to think about," and WHATEVER! Why? Say it with me, boys and girls: I no longer care about this subplot because THE ULTIMATE RETARD CAN ALTER REALITY WITH HER MIND, and this show sucks, and I want to die, and CANCELLED! However, if you simply must know, the final plan of attack comes from Ryan and Jen, who in banging their weeny little Nit!wit heads together have realized that should they flip a vanquish into the Noxons and then banish the Noxons to the Astral Plane before the Noxons regenerate, the Noxons will be stuck in perpetual mid-vanquish for all eternity, because time stops on the Astral Plane, and anyone trapped there cannot move forward. Oh, and Maggot Neck's necklace looks like the flux capacitor in Back To The Future. You got all that? Good. Next!
The Hagquarters. In Stoopid Coopid's attempt to prove to the Feebs that -- yes, he actually says this -- "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all," he will now remind her not of the disastrous endings of her various relationships, but of their far-more-promising beginnings, thereby...I don't know. No, seriously, I haven't a fucking clue, and I've watched this scene eight times in a row. Maybe it's because I keep getting distracted by the index finger on Victor Webster's right hand, which appears to have been broken quite badly and set even worse in the past. The good news is that we waste even more time with the flashbacks. This time around, though, they appear on some sort of shimmering, Stoop-concocted screen in front of Phoebe's face, rather than in three dimensions around her. Phoebe meets Chronic The Hedgehog. Phoebe bangs Chronic The Hedgehog on his desk. Phoebe meets Sparklies. Phoebe bangs Sparklies on her non-Mary-Cherry assistant's desk. Phoebe does a dreadful Leslie Caron impersonation with Billy Zane as Gene Kelly in the Manor's main hall. Phoebe drags Billy Zane to All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me to bang him on a desk, because Phoebe is no longer capable of doing it in a bed like a normal person. Hey! Maybe that's the reason she passed on Victor Webster at the top of the hour! Long story short, Stoop Coop reactivates his chunky pink ring to scan Phoebe's heart, or whatever, and this time, the encasing shield of body-hugging glowy mojo breaks apart of its own accord and vanishes, so Stoop Coop's little continuity-slaughtering trip down memory lane apparently worked. Whee. Woot. Hooray. Not.