In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. God, I can't believe this is back. Raige heads off to Guam, or wherever, on her honeymoon, which means that, with Phoebe firmly ensconced in the Hagquarters, Piper pretty much has the Manor to herself. Well, except for the hatefully lispy Retarded Bimbo, The Retarded Bimbo's hideous maggot neck, The Retarded Bimbo's disastrous overly bleached blow-out, and The Retarded Bimbo's ssssecretly evil ssssisssster, of course. Tonight's A plot, if I'm not mistaken, involves the Bimbo's attempts to get Chrissssty to meet with their parents, who apparently made three trips to San Francisco in the last two months, only to return to the Flyover without having seen their long-lost elder spawn. When a couple of unexpected visitors to the Manor threaten to expose Chrissssty's secret evilness, she hastily agrees to have dinner with the parentals and ends up getting them whacked by her Triad supervisor when she experiences Master-Plan-threatening pangs of filial wistfulness. Or maybe it was gas from too much of Piper's cooking.
In news entirely unrelated to La Famille Retard, Coop drags Phoebe through flashbacks of her entire failed dating history, so about a third of the episode is devoted to rewatching bits we already saw and never needed to see again that include Billy Zane, Chronic, Vex Pexter, Sparklies, the Colethazor, and that warlock from "Pardon My Past," but at least we're spared all of the guys Phoebe screwed in Season One. Meanwhile, Piper and those unexpected Manor visitors -- two sniveling brats from Not!warts -- battle a pair of Noxon demons and manage to sort-of vanquish the more impetuous of the two, leaving his cooler-headed brother alive to menace another day, because this show is still inexplicably on the air. God. DAMMIT. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on CANCELLED!, it wassss raining outsssside the night the Retard'ssss...oh, wait a minute. That clip's not in here. For the first time in ten goddamned episodes. We actually get, aside from a brief reminder of the delightful Angel Of Teasley and the Doltsicle, a bunch of clips from "Engaged And Confused," including Coop's introduction, Raige's wedding ceremony on the sun porch, the Manor Morons congratulating each other on offing two thirds of the Triad, and Candor stopping time to yak away at Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty about uniting with The Ultimate Maggot-Necked Bimbo. Well, all that, and a couple of crap scenes outlining The Retard's backstory that I'm going to ignore, mainly because most of them came from a shit episode I didn't watch because I was on vacation. Thanks again, Keckler!
Currently on CANCELLED!, Raige, clad in a ruffly camisole top of the exact shade of blue a woman with her pallid skin tone should not be caught dead wearing, bounces over to the Manor's front door to admit Phoebe, who not only has misplaced her keys, but also has misplaced whatever's left of her puny little brain, because duuuuuh, Phoebe. The Manor's front door is never, ever locked. The two amble through the foyer, "bantering" about the new "Mrs. Mitchell" and her impending honeymoon, upon which the more-or-less (and considerably less than more) newlyweds are embarking...two months after the ceremony? Okay, we can go with that, I suppose, but only because the ceremony itself was, as you'll recall, a very last-minute kind of affair. Well, that and the fact that there are so many other mind-bendingly stupid things going on this evening that to focus on the honeymoon's bizarre timing is just more than one recapper can bear. By the way, Raige will be keeping her maiden name, not because recent Halliwell tradition dictates she must, but rather because Phoebe's proposed hyphenate of Matthews-Mitchell "sounds like a law firm." Brief mention is made by the Feebs of Coop and how much of a "magical pain in the [ass]" he is -- like, waaaaaay too much information there, tramp -- before Phoebe makes note of the massive brunch spread the ever-self-martyring Piper has prepared for Raige's "bon voyage" party. Piper herself stands at the far side of the dining room table, right behind her dead-eyed and terrifying sociopath of an elder son and her adorable little wee tiny gay of a younger, and that's the first time I've seen both of those kids in the same place at the same time in God knows how long. Also seated at the table are The Ultimate Maggoty-Necked Retarded Bimbo and Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty. Chrissssty, quite frankly, looks less than pleased to be there, but that might actually be Marnette Patterson herself. You know, with the slowly dawning and starkly horrifying realization of just what sort of lame-ass garbage her agent signed her on to for eight godawful and neverending episodes. Or maybe that's me, with the projection. There's some guilt-tripping directed at Phoebe and Raige from Piper about how "everyone in [her] life is either moving on or moving out" before Piper perkily offers Chrissssty some waffles. "When will you rescue me from this?" the unwanted and unwelcome houseguest who nonetheless has been treated regally by her ever-giving hostess for the last two and a half months telepathically snarls at her sister, eliciting a shocked "Chrissssty!" from the same while Phoebe playfully barks, "Hey! No telepathy at the table." I really need tell someone to shut up right about now, but I haven't the slightest idea where to begin. God, I hate this fucking show.
"Hey," Raige begins babbling in one of those badly penned segues we've come to expect from this show's typewriting-crackmonkey script staff over the last seven and a half years, "have you guys checked into any of these rumors about students being attacked at [Not!warts], because, you know, if you need any help with that, I can stay." Piper and the Feebs are all, "Shut your twitchy, lippy mouth right the hell up and fuck off to Bora Bora with your new husband, already," only they are, of course, far kinder about it than I was right there. Raige speed-talks that they can always summon her if they need her, leading Piper to howl, "All right, stop it! It's time for gifts." Phoebe passes Raige an envelope while smiling, "Happy honeymoon, from all of us." Raige grins delightedly and slits the thing open to find...nothing inside. "Exactly! Nothing!" The Ultimate Maggot Neck drones through her nose, so you know she's the dimwitted asshole who came up with this whole stupid idea in the first place. "As in, no demons," she continues before Piper picks up the thread with, "And no warlocks, no complications: A honeymoon that is completely free of distractions." "Except Henry," Phoebe leeringly reminds everyone in the room, including the two purportedly innocent infants at the far side of the table. Shut up, trash. Hag. Skank. Hagskanktrash. In any event, Raige is all, "Yes, yes, very nice, I get it but, you know, CASH WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER, YOU CHEAP BITCHES." Or maybe she just beams while Piper goes on to assure her that between Piper herself, Phoebe, The Ultimate Maggot Neck, and Chrissssty, the Manor Morons have everything under control. Chrissssty, despite being secretly evil, is delighted to realize Piper thinks she's made progress over the last ten weeks or so, but the smile on her face quickly dies when the lights suddenly dim, the soundtrack grinds to an audible halt, and everyone else in the room slides into a freeze.
Soon enough, Candor pillars up through the sun porch floor. Openly Evil Chrissssty slams her fork down on the table and screams to her feet to spin around and sneer, "What are you doing here?" "Your purpose," Candor sniffily reminds her, "is to lure your sister away from The Charmed Ones, not to become enmeshed yourself!" "I don't need you to tell me how to do my job," Chrissssty snots back. "Now go!" Candor glares at her. "NOW!" Chrissssty repeats. After a moment's more glowering from the sole remaining Triad, Candor drops through the floor, and Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty barely reaches her seat at the table before everything leaps back into motion. "You're practically one of us," Piper picks up where she left off as Phoebe nods in agreement. Neither, of course, notices the abrupt and complete change in Chrissssty's demeanor, nor do they notice her dropped fork and significantly altered physical placement on her chair, despite the fact that Phoebe has been staring directly at her the entire time, because every single goddamned person on this show is a fucking idiot, and I want to die. By the way, the repulsive Psycho also nodded vigorously when Piper yanked that "one of us" nonsense out of her ass, but I'm certain he was thinking, "Yes, yes, yes! One more simpering fool for the slaughter, after which I shall take over the world! Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Meanwhile, Tiny Gay Chris is slouched over in his highchair eyeing his Cheerios with disdain, all, "Whatever, you tedious bitches. Is this shit cancelled yet?" Yes, Tiny Gay Chris! It is! Hooray! Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty, not sharing in my joy, shoots her hostess's dead-eyed sociopath of a son a wary side-eye before vanishing into the opening credits.
When we return, Raige is lugging one last bag down the stairs to add it to the enormous stack of luggage she's piled in the main hall -- she's moving in with the husband, don't you know -- and, after a little more telepathic bitchery from Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty and a lot more bitchery of the audible and ear-shattering sort from Piper, Raige orbs on out of there. The instant she's gone, Tiny Gay Chris's wails erupt from the floor above to signal the resumption of hostilities in the nursery, so Piper bounds up the stairs to wrangle her endlessly feuding offspring while Chrissssty and The Ultimate Maggot Neck slouch their collective way towards the center parlor. The Ultimate Maggot Neck's hair, by the way, is about eighty-seven different kinds of hot ass this evening, all dark roots and fried, over-bleached split ends that have been teased and poofed out and sprayed into place, and for some bizarre reason, when this scene first aired, the unsightly mess sprouting from her head reminded me of Daffy in "Duck Amuck" after Bugs had turned him into that weird little daisy-headed, flipper-footed, hippo-like...thing, and now, upon freezing the frame, I can kind of understand why. Not only is Cuoco as oddly proportioned as the ludicrous creature in the cartoon, she's also puckering her lips out into a bill. God, I hate this show.
The Sisters Retard blither at each other for a lengthy period of time before revealing their boring little subplot for the evening: Ma and Pa Retard are back in San Francisco for the third time since The Ultimate Maggot Neck rescued Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty from the Underworld, and Maggot Neck really, really wants Chrissssty to have lunch with them. Seems Chrissssty refused to catch up with the parentals the last two times they were in town, and Maggot Neck thinks it's long past time her sister "start[ed] to get to know them." Chrissssty once more resists, because she's still "angry with them" for...you know what? Fuck this stupid-ass subplot. Including tonight's presentation, this show has a mere six episode left. Does anyone -- anyone -- want any part of those six episodes, no matter how small, devoted to these two idiots and their parents, for Christ's sake? Didn't think so. Long story short, Chrissssty feels like Ma and Pa Retard abandoned her. Yawn. Piper arrives from above with the tiny gay one and chirpily suggests lunch. Chrissssty offers her hostess a wan smile before we hear her voice-over bitching, "I swear to God, I think she's trying to kill me!" The screen flares white, dumping us over into...
...Snidely's old study at Not!warts, where Openly Evil Chrissssty paces past Candor while continuing to rant, "It's like Death By Dinner! Do you know how hard it is to smile when you're nauseous?" No, but I do know how hard it is to smile when I'm nauseated, you moron. Shut up, Chrissssty. She ignores me, choosing instead to bicker with Candor over their Nefarious Demonic Plot For World Domination, which involves Chrissssty drawing The Ultimate Maggot Neck out from beneath the Charmed Ones' influence without allowing herself to be drawn in by the Manor Morons' promise of a normal life, or whatever. I so do not care, so it's quite fortunate that some off-screen entity shrieks in agony at this point, for we must now zip out into...
...the Not!warts Not-So-Great Hall, where a young man writhes in pain on the faux-marble flooring while two black-clad demonic sorts zap him with their electric wands. Yes, it is exactly as filthy as it reads on the page. "Shoe's on the other foot now!" one of the demons sneers. "How's it feel, witch?" By the way, some of you might recognize the tortured young man as the recent crispy critter with the mysterious heart condition on House. I didn't recognize him from that at all because I've long since given up on hourlong dramas involving hospitals and forensic science, but thanks to the miracle of the Internet Movie Database, I now have a nickname for the kid until we hear his real one. Which, as you well know by now, might never happen this evening. In any event, Candor and Chrissssty stomp into the chamber from the hall, with Candor raging, "What's going on? No one is to be here!" "Back off, old man," tonight's lead demon seethes, winning himself a violent telekinetic slam into a nearby wall from the supremely unamused Triad, who keeps the demon pinned to the wall while speechifying, "I will not be disparaged by the likes of you!" Candor then clenches his outstretched hand into a fist and twists his wrist around, as if in an attempt to rearrange the demon's internal organs to the point that the demon himself bursts into a Waste-Land-bound gout of flame and splattery gore. The expected vanquish doesn't happen, for whatever reason, but the demon does lose his grip on his electric wand due to the searing pain of the entire experience. The Crispy Critter takes this opportunity to scramble to his feet as best he can and lurch past Chrissssty down the hall. "Stop him!" the primary demon howls at the secondary...oh, the hell with it. Let's get all of the necessary exposition out of the way right now, even though we don't actually learn any of this for another couple of scenes. They're brothers, these two -- "Noxon" demons ["Hee!" -- Sars] rendered unvanquishable thanks to some sort of genetic fiddling performed by a group of higher-level Underworld types in the past, or whatever. I looked up the characters' identities on both the IMDb and TV.com and found different names for each demon in each place, because this show is a great, heaping mass of sucktastic garbage so long past its expiration date, not even the fanboy gearheads who maintain those two sites give a flying rat's ass about it anymore. So, I'm going to have to guess that the primary demon is named Rondok and his brother is named Pator, and you'll have to like it. Okay? Okay.
Anyway, Rondok howls for Pator to stop the Crispy Critter before the latter gets away, but Candor shouts, "Let him go! Don't you know we're trying to change the world, here? Your witch is nothing compared to that!" "That witch spent a year torturing us," Rondok spits back. "We deserve our revenge!" "And you shall have it," Candor enunciates in carefully condescending tones of voice before growing impatient once more and snorting, "But not here, and not now!" With that, he flings his hands in the lesser demons' directions, hurling them both into mists of dematerialization mojo that evaporate towards points unknown. "Well, then," Candor smiles, regaining his composure. "Back to your sister!" Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty gapes.
The shot cuts to the façade of a very familiar hotel before we dart inside to find Ma Retard fretting, "Why wouldn't she want to see us? I just don't understand!" I don't understand why I'm supposed to care about any of this bullshit at all, so I'll cut to the chase: "If she won't see us now," Pa Retard informs The Ultimate Maggot Neck as a deeply sad flute tootles in the background, "we're not flying out here again." Drama! Tragedy! Not! Shut up, Sad Flute. And you, Pa, should have stuck with Veronica Mars. Is this scene over? Yeah. Bye-bye, Maggot Neck.
Oh, crap. Believe it or not, while plowing through the recap up to this point, I'd forgotten entirely about Phoebe's idiotic, insulting, and obnoxiously repetitive subplot this evening, but now here it is, in all of its non-glory. Joy. Shame, really, because the beginning of it all is rather amusingly choreographed, what with Phoebe attempting repeatedly to dodge Coop's unwanted attentions, only to find him waiting for her wherever she turns. You know, sort of like Death-In-A-Box back in the day. It begins with a tracking shot of Phoebe iPodding her way down a sidewalk with a couple of grocery bags. She disappears behind a taxi and the cab's rooftop billboard in the foreground of the shot for a second, and when she reappears, Victor Webster's striding along behind her. They actually placed him in such a way and angled the camera so he'd be hidden behind both the taxi and a leafy, low-hanging tree branch, but just because you can immediately figure out how they pulled it off doesn't mean it's not a little bit fun. Anyway, he launches into his boring spiel about Phoebe's capital-I Issues with love again, and she blows him off, oblivious to the two adolescent dicksmacks in the background of the shot who have been antically pantomiming squeezing her bony derriere the entire time. The shot cuts to Phoebe entering The Hagquarters with her groceries, and as the camera pans through the room, both Phoebe and the audience find Coop sprawled in a chair, already waiting for her with more of his good-natured needling. She blows him off again, some more, and plows into the boudoir, where Coop, of course, has instantly transplanted himself to lounge on her bed, and I'm sorry, and I don't care who you are: If you find Victor Webster lounging around on your bed, you hit that. Immediately. Hard. Phoebe, even more of an idiot than I ever thought possible, does not hit that immediately and hard, though now that I'm virtually framing my way through the scene, I think I might know why. It appears she actually entered the Hagquarters boudoir to stow a box of just-bought tampons in one of her dresser drawers. Though, you know, the particular physical condition that box implies never stopped her from hopping into the sack before. Then again, she didn't have to clean up after herself that time, now did she?
Anyway, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah. So, Coop jumps up from the bed, still nattering on about Phoebe's supposed Issues, and eventually stretches out his right hand to hover over the Fun Bags as his chunky pink ring glows. Phoebe's immediately encased in a shield of body-hugging glowy mojo, and demands to know what he's just done. He's done nothing, he insists. Rather, Phoebe's "heart" is throwing out "some kind of energy field" "that's preventing [her] from even being open to love," and right about now's where I lapsed into a coma of boredom the first time this episode aired, because I do not care about Phoebe's attitudes towards amore at. ALL. Long story short, Coop grabs Phoebe's hands and activates his supremely gay teleportation mojo to heart the two of them out of there in search of whatever is causing Phoebe's love block. This should start actively sucking...
...now. Coop rematerializes with Phoebe in what turns out to be Vex Pexter's physically impossible garret from the beginning of this awful, endless season. Phoebe and Coop hide behind something metal while we endure the revelation scene from the end of "Rewitched" one more time. I'd gripe mightily about them so lazily recycling material like this, especially given the fact that there are so few episodes left, but let's face it: Flashbacks are a recapper's best friend. Anyway, Vex hits the floor again, and Present Phoebe and Coop murmur about magic and mortals not mixing, or whatever, before Coop offers his hand to her once more, and the two heart off elsewhere in Phoebe's past.
Meanwhile, back at the Manor, The Ultimate Retard returns to find Ssssecretly Evil Chrissszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The doorbell rings repeatedly and urgently, waking me up just in time to see Piper opening the front door, through which Crispy Critter plunges, leaning heavily on a young woman who blurts, "We need to see [the Dolt], fast!" "We're his students," she exposits upon Piper's prompting, and Crispy Critter manages to gasp out, "Demons are trying to kill us!" by way of further explanation. Chrissssty instantly recognizes Crispy from Not!warts and hastens to hide herself on the sun porch. As Piper hustles Crispy over to the sofa, Chrissssty quietly freaks herself into the first commercial break.
Back from the break, we pick up right where we left off as Crispy pants and groans and settles himself on the sofa while also receiving a proper name. Hooray! Not. When he insists he's all right, his companion protests, "You're not fine, Ryan -- they nearly killed you!" Piper's all, "Who in the what, now?" so Ryan's companion, "Jen," fills her in on the sitch: The Dolt trapped the Noxon demons in Not!warts "so he could use them for [the kids'] advanced combat class." There's a bit of unnecessary nonsense about the Dolt keeping news of this from his wife before Jen continues, "[The Noxons want] to get even with us -- the whole class. Somehow, they got out, and now they're hunting us down." Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty, who'd been eavesdropping on all this from her hiding place, decides she's heard enough, and discreetly vanishes into the kitchen as Piper, unnaturally dimwitted in this scene, wonders, "By 'hunting,' you mean…?" "There were five of us in the class," Ryan blinks, "but only Jen and I are left." "Barely," Jen amends, staring him down for a moment before turning back to Piper to ask, "[The Dolt] said if we ever ran into trouble to come here, so where is he?" Piper splutters and stammers and does not reveal that her beloved husband is now a gigantic Dolt-pop currently cooling his heels in The Angel Of Teasley's great big Sub-Zero in the sky, but she does order The Ultimate Maggot Neck and her sister nonexistent atticwards to abuse the Book of Shadows. "You don't understand," Jen exasperates. "They can't be vanquished, at least not permanently." The genetic fiddling performed on the Noxons in the past, as I've already noted, made them unvanquishable, which is why the Dolt imprisoned them at Not!warts, so the students "could keep practicing on them." That certainly seems rather un-Doltlike, now doesn't it? Turning Not!warts into some sort of half-assed, magical Guantanamo Bay? How unexpectedly Republican of him. And how vaguely racist of tonight's primary typewriting crackmonkey. I'm sure I'm positively steaming with outrage at the moment, except for the part where I'm so totally not, because this show is CANCELLED!, and I so do not care anymore. I swear to God, ever since the official announcement came down that this show was finally, at long last, down to its final few episodes, I've had a case of senioritis the likes of which I've not experienced since the spring trimester of my last year at Northwestern when I scheduled myself for only three classes, two of which were Pass/Fail and therefore seldom (if ever) attended by yours truly, and one of which was Acting. How's that for slacking off? For God's sake, just end this shit already. Please?
And yet it drags on. The two imperiled students attempt to flee the Manor once they ascertain that Piper truly has no idea what's going on, but she insists they stay. If the Dolt promised them protection, she vows, protection is what they will receive.
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty pours herself a Secretly Evil Glass Of Orange Juice while The Ultimate Retard enterszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Long story short, to avoid being recognized by Ryan and thus blowing her cover, Chrissssty abruptly changes her mind about meeting up with Ma and Pa Retard. She and Maggot Neck therefore need to leave, now. As Chrissssty drags her sister out of the frame, the screen flares white once more to dump us in...
...the abandoned warehouse where Rondok and Pator have been busily killing time when they haven't been busily killing Nit!wits, and I'm now realizing what a shame it is that they decided to focus so much attention on La Famille Retard this episode, because not only are David Lee and John Rosenfeld doing a pretty good job as the demons of the week, but these two characters themselves -- in this scene, at least -- are far more interesting that Maggot Neck and her entire clan could ever hope to be. Rondok, you see, displays the sort of overweening pride that shall certainly result in his downfall by the end of the evening, while Pator's far more dejectedly resigned to his...oh, fuck it. They're both going to be dead in about twenty minutes, so who the hell cares? CANCELLED! The boys decide that Candor can rot in hell for all they care -- Rondok and Pator are going to locate Ryan and Jen and then kill them. So there. "Now where are we?" Phoebe whispers as the screen flares white again to haul us back to...
...the Manor, as it was on February 17, 1924. Phoebe and Coop huddle behind a clutch of rosebushes -- in full bloom despite the date, of course, because this show is ass, and I want to die -- as Pre-Feebs, Pre-Feebs's forearm hair, and Anton slink out into the garden to mack, and oh, my sweet Jesus. Owen covered this when it originally aired, and thank God for that, because when Pre-Feebs's lewdly explicit tongue-dance with Anton begins, I can feel free to avert my eyes before they boil out of my skull, thereby rendering me blind. EW! By the way, I don't know if the music underscoring it all is in the original episode, but whoever composed it was clearly ripping off "Sentimental Journey." Get it? No, seriously, do you get it? You know, with Phoebe revisiting her past loves...oh, whatever. CANCELLED! Coop wonders why things didn't work out between Pre-Feebs and Anton, we get a brief glimpse of Anton's vanquish, and then we're off to rewatch yet another scene that originally aired in the last year. Damn you, Zane! Coop and the Feebs link hands again and port from Past Not!warts back to The Hagquarters, where Coop -- stupidly, for he is a Cupid, and Cupids are supposed to have this information at their twinkly little fingertips -- asks Phoebe what her longest relationship was. "Cole," Phoebe glums. Before we get some McMahon flashback action, however, we must head over to...
...the nonexistent attic, where Piper's just now completing a vanquish that will not work on the demons of the week because they're unvanquishable, and she should know this because she was told they're unvanquishable about seventeen times in her last scene, but whatever, because this show is ass, and even though this show is CANCELLED!, I still want to die. And this is the point where I stopped caring about this subplot, too, because Piper and the Nit!wits are all, "OMG! We can't vanquish them because they're unvanquishable! Whatever shall we do?" and I was all, "You know, The Retarded Bimbo can alter reality with her mind. Why don't you just have her think real hard for a second and then deploy the Mighty Hands Of Discontent on what will by then be the Noxons' most eminently vanquishable asses, morons?" This show. This stupid, awful, stupid, evil show. ANY-way. The Noxons eventually squiggle into the nonexistent room behind Piper, who can tell the instant the kids' faces fall that something very wicked is standing at her back. "Get down!" she hisses, just as Pator whips a Flaming Ball Of Death in the Nit!wits' direction. Ryan and Jen manage a dodge at the last second, though, so the FBOD just fizzles out against the table. Piper spins to fling a vanquishing vial at Rondok's chest that he intercepts in mid-air with an FBOD of his own. Pator slings another FBOD at her head, so this time it's her turn to sniper towards the carpet, only she retrieves yet another vanquishing vial from the table as she goes. This one actually connects with Pator's torso, and the demon in question unleashes an agonized howl as his features distort and his body glows red for a moment before his altered genetics, or whatever, shrug off most of the vial's effects. The moment Pator recovers from the attempted vanquish, Rondok latches onto his brother's shoulders and squiggles them both the hell on out of there. Before vanishing into the commercial break, Piper makes with the quippy remarks that I do not care to transcribe because they involve the supposed unvanquishability of the demons of the week which: see above regarding The Ultimate Retard's power over time and space. Fuck you, show.
Park. Maggot Neck. Chrissssty. Ma Retard. Pa Retard. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty reunites after fifteen years of demonic captivity with her parents, and I'm sure it would be oh, so very touching if I were awake to witness it. At some point, Piper summons The Ultimate Retard back to the Manor to deal with the Noxon issue, and at some later point, Candor halts time to pillar into the park and berate Chrissssty for going off-mission, or whatever. Yaaaaaaaaawn. …Oh. Ooops. This part's actually somewhat interesting. Openly Evil Chrissssty hops off the bench she'd been sitting on with her mother, and strides up to Candor in the middle of the park to rant at him for interrupting the tender and heartwarming reunion I just slept through. Referring to Chrissssty's parents, Candor peeves by way of response, "They're swaying you, and you know it. Don't make me take matters into my own hands!" Chrissssty replies by enveloping his body in a curtain of fire that he rather amusingly stink-eyes with annoyance before telekinetically smothering it. "You don't have the power to destroy me," he reminds her, "and you won't, either, until you're free of the ties that bind!" He pillars downwards, sort of passively-aggressively restarting time as he goes, so Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty -- suddenly, from her parents' perspective, standing fifteen away from where she'd been sitting -- will be forced to explain that bit of wacky hijinks to Ma and Pa on her own.
Or not, as the case may be, as we return to the nonexistent attic, where Piper busies herself setting up a protective circle of Mystical Crysticals, all the while blathering on about how the Dolt's "seriously indisposed at the moment," and I'm still not caring about any of this because THE ULTIMATE RETARD CAN ALTER REALITY WITH HER MIND. !
Phoebe and Stoopid Coopid heart onto a college quad, which Phoebe claims is "where Cole and [she] first met," and no. NO. Phoebe and Cole met in a dank and forbidding alleyway of doom in the presence of The Late Lamented, then they met again at the arraignment hearing for the demonically influenced nutjob who was arrested in that dank and forbidding alleyway of doom for assaulting Detective Doormat, and THEN they met on this campus quad. Read the recap, crackmonkeys. GOD, I hate this show. Phoebe and Stoopid Coopid duck behind a bulletin board to watch the admittedly cute scene that follows play out. "So, what happened?" Stoop wonders, referring to Phoebe and Cole's relationship. "The same thing that always happens," she glooms, and the thing we know, Phoebe and Stoopid Coopid heart their way over to...
...a scene that should not be a part of these flashbacks, because it took place in an alternate reality of Cole's devising that this reality's Phoebe has no memory of, and I hate this show, and I want to die, even though this awful, stupid, awful, evil show has at long last been CANCELLED! Seriously, though, why in hell did they insert this particular vanquish into this subplot? They have one that this reality's Phoebe actually did participate in, you know, and one that was more emotionally damaging to her at the time. Whatever! CANCELLED! Stoop and the Feebs babble some more at each other before hearting on out of there.
Manor, and not caring! As Piper and Maggot Neck complete a protective circle of Mystical Crysticals on the main floor, Raige -- quite simply to justify Rose McGowan's paycheck this week, I suppose -- orbs in from her honeymoon to check up on how things are going, and I mention it only because she's wearing a sundress and matching hat in yet another shade of blue a woman with her pallid skin tone should not be caught dead wearing, like, what the hell? Did they go and rehire Eilish without telling me? Because, seriously, between Maggot Neck's assy hair and Raige's deeply inappropriate color palate, that entire production department's gone entirely off the rails this evening. In any event, Raige orbs back to Tahiti just in time for the screen to flare white once more, escorting us again to...
...The Abandoned Warehouse Of Supposedly Unvanquishable Wickedness. Candor unexpectedly appears to offer the boys a deal: He'll help them off a Charmed One if they, in turn, "remove a small obstacle to [Candor's] goals." "Interested?" Candor smugs. Pator glances nervously at Rondok, who glowers his way into the commercial break.
Nonexistent Attic. Not caring! I do not care! Especially because Maggot Neck actually says as part of her very first line in this scene, "I figure if we can't vanquish them, we might as well give them something to think about," and WHATEVER! Why? Say it with me, boys and girls: I no longer care about this subplot because THE ULTIMATE RETARD CAN ALTER REALITY WITH HER MIND, and this show sucks, and I want to die, and CANCELLED! However, if you simply must know, the final plan of attack comes from Ryan and Jen, who in banging their weeny little Nit!wit heads together have realized that should they flip a vanquish into the Noxons and then banish the Noxons to the Astral Plane before the Noxons regenerate, the Noxons will be stuck in perpetual mid-vanquish for all eternity, because time stops on the Astral Plane, and anyone trapped there cannot move forward. Oh, and Maggot Neck's necklace looks like the flux capacitor in Back To The Future. You got all that? Good. !
The Hagquarters. In Stoopid Coopid's attempt to prove to the Feebs that -- yes, he actually says this -- "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all," he will now remind her not of the disastrous endings of her various relationships, but of their far-more-promising beginnings, thereby...I don't know. No, seriously, I haven't a fucking clue, and I've watched this scene eight times in a row. Maybe it's because I keep getting distracted by the index finger on Victor Webster's right hand, which appears to have been broken quite badly and set even worse in the past. The good news is that we waste even more time with the flashbacks. This time around, though, they appear on some sort of shimmering, Stoop-concocted screen in front of Phoebe's face, rather than in three dimensions around her. Phoebe meets Chronic The Hedgehog. Phoebe bangs Chronic The Hedgehog on his desk. Phoebe meets Sparklies. Phoebe bangs Sparklies on her non-Mary-Cherry assistant's desk. Phoebe does a dreadful Leslie Caron impersonation with Billy Zane as Gene Kelly in the Manor's main hall. Phoebe drags Billy Zane to All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me to bang him on a desk, because Phoebe is no longer capable of doing it in a bed like a normal person. Hey! Maybe that's the reason she passed on Victor Webster at the top of the hour! Long story short, Stoop Coop reactivates his chunky pink ring to scan Phoebe's heart, or whatever, and this time, the encasing shield of body-hugging glowy mojo breaks apart of its own accord and vanishes, so Stoop Coop's little continuity-slaughtering trip down memory lane apparently worked. Whee. Woot. Hooray. Not.
La Famille Retarrrrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. If I'd remained conscious for this scene, I suspect I would have watched Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty slowly melting under the ardent affection of her parents before she received a mysterious-sounding call from Piper summoning her back to the Manor. I'm also fairly certain I would have caught Patron and Ronkadonk squiggling into the hotel hallway after Chrisssssty left. However, as I was passed out and drooling three seconds after the scene began, I'll never be able to tell you for sure.
Broken Marriage Boudoir. Piper sits on the bed studying the Dolt's box of Not!warts notes, and what do we say whenever we return to this subplot? That's right: We no longer care about this subplot because THE ULTIMATE RETARD CAN ALTER REALITY WITH HER MIND, and this show sucks, and we want to die, and CANCELLED! And it's made even worse by the creepy and silent entrance of The Dead-Eyed Psycho, and not because he finally speaks in full sentences for the first time ever -- which, yeah. Little bemulleted freak is even more terrifying when he actually has lines -- but because remember way back when, when The Littlest Psycho was The Ultimate Power? How he immolated demons just by STARING at them? Yeah. Between The Ultimate Retard and The Dead-Eyed Psycho, this stupid issue should have been resolved a half an hour ago, even without the Power of Three, which, as you'll recall, meant that the Glamorous Ladies themselves represented The Ultimate Power too many years ago to count. God, I hate this show.
Piper arrives on the main floor from above just in time for Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty to return from the hotel, wondering what gives with the mysterious-sounding summons I don't remember at all because I slept through it. Chrissssty, not nearly as stupid as her scraggly haired retard of a sister who now nevertheless represents The Ultimate Power, quickly realizes something is very, very wrong, and spins around to drag Maggot Neck back to the hotel, where...
...Pa Retard bursts through his room's door just in time to spot Patton slowly rising from Ma Retard's lifeless and bloody corpse. Well, "bloody," because I haven't seen shit that fake on this show since the third season. Whatever. CANCELLED! Ramalamadingdong menacingly shuts the door behind Pa Retard's back. The click of the latch spins Pa Retard right into the final commercial break.
The Recently Luxuriously Refurbished Historic Fairmont Hotel On Scenic Nob Hill In San Francisco. Aftermath. The Ultimate Retard and Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty race into the suite from the hall to find both of their parents dead on the floor, and, uh, yeah. I'll be skipping ahead, here, because Kaley Cuoco's horrendous attempts at expressing shock and anguish and terror and sudden, overwhelming sorrow and grief just...they just...I mean...wow. She's, like...wow. Speechless. I'm speechless. Her unimaginable levels of sheer and utter badness have left me beyond the capacity for speech. Besides, Chrissssty's got her jammed up against the wall right now, and I'm counting at least eight folds in her neck. Oh, wait. One of those is her chin. My bad. So, seven, then. That shit is just disgusting. I think at some point during this scene, Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty orders her gross and talent-free sister back to the latter's dorm room because whatever whacked their parents will likely be coming for The Ultimate Retard , but Chrissssty must be bluffing, or something, because she knows that if anything threatens Maggot Neck, all Maggot Neck need do is think about it real hard for a second and the threat will disappear because, you know, THE ULTIMATE RETARD CAN ALTER REALITY WITH HER MIND. Speaking of which, why doesn't she think real hard for a second and revivify her battered and broken parents? Oh, sorry. I forgot: Whatever! and CANCELLED! There. That's better. Is this scene over yet? Good.
The Abandoned Warehouse Of Supposedly Unvanquishable Wickedness. Ringadingding decides to go after the Nit!wits one more time. George C. Scott demurs. Guess who's going to make it to week? Ooops! Spoiler!
Manor. After a few final words of encouragement, Piper arms Ryan and Jen with a couple of vanquishing vials each before breaking the protective circle of Mystical Crysticals. Rashomon squiggles in almost immediately, positively spewing Flaming Balls Of Death left and right. One nails Piper in the right shoulder, and she hits the floor like a...like a...like a Piper-shaped floor-hitting thing. Brains still don't working so goodly after Kaley cry. Jen slams her two vials into Ricky Ricardo's chest and yanks Ryan -- who'd snipered to the carpet in a dodge when Rocky Raccoon entered -- to his feet so the two Nit!wits might recite the following from memory:
Demon of fire, demon of pain:
We banish you to the Astral Plane.
Ruh-Roh howls and wails for a moment, then glows white before quietly fading away. That was rather anticlimactic, don't you think? Piper and the Nit!wits congratulate each other as the shot cross-fades into...
...the Closing Travelogue. After night passes into day above the city, we head back to the Manor, where Piper, Raige, and, eventually, the Feebs gather in the parlor to process through their Issues Of The Week, which is completely ridiculous because they didn't have any tonight. Raige is still clad in her matching sundress and hat, and Phoebe's unfettered fun bags are sloshing around beneath a spaghetti-strapped top she fashioned from -- I swear to God -- the tattered remnants of the peach-colored chiffon gown my grandmother was buried in twenty-seven years ago. !
Not!warts. Candor meditates in Snidely's old study as Openly Evil Chrissssty stalks up behind him. "Piper didn't call me," she seethes. "It was you, wasn't it?" "I did what was necessary," Candor candidly replies. See what I did there? Whatever! CANCELLED! Candor continues to bait Chrissssty, and she soon enough rises to it. "Bastard!" she shrieks while she -- get this -- rams her fist and forearm straight through his chest and out his back. Hooray! Candor coughs and gags a bit before spluttering, "Congratulations. You just passed. The final. Tessssst!" And with that, he bursts into flame from the ground up before exploding into a ball of fire, never once dropping his gaze from Chrissssty's as her face contorts itself in a mix of anger at him for what he did to her parents, grief over the deaths of those parents themselves, and newfound fear of herself and her capabilities. Once Candor vanishes, Chrissssty stands for a moment alone, gaping down at her gore-spattered arm before the final cut to black engulfs her.
week, The Ultimate Retard gets flipped into a rock. It's fun for the whole family!