Episode Report Card 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Li'l Orphan Retard
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.15.2006
"Hey," Raige begins babbling in one of those badly penned segues we've come to expect from this show's typewriting-crackmonkey script staff over the last seven and a half years, "have you guys checked into any of these rumors about students being attacked at [Not!warts], because, you know, if you need any help with that, I can stay." Piper and the Feebs are all, "Shut your twitchy, lippy mouth right the hell up and fuck off to Bora Bora with your new husband, already," only they are, of course, far kinder about it than I was right there. Raige speed-talks that they can always summon her if they need her, leading Piper to howl, "All right, stop it! It's time for gifts." Phoebe passes Raige an envelope while smiling, "Happy honeymoon, from all of us." Raige grins delightedly and slits the thing open to find...nothing inside. "Exactly! Nothing!" The Ultimate Maggot Neck drones through her nose, so you know she's the dimwitted asshole who came up with this whole stupid idea in the first place. "As in, no demons," she continues before Piper picks up the thread with, "And no warlocks, no complications: A honeymoon that is completely free of distractions." "Except Henry," Phoebe leeringly reminds everyone in the room, including the two purportedly innocent infants at the far side of the table. Shut up, trash. Hag. Skank. Hagskanktrash. In any event, Raige is all, "Yes, yes, very nice, I get it but, you know, CASH WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER, YOU CHEAP BITCHES." Or maybe she just beams while Piper goes on to assure her that between Piper herself, Phoebe, The Ultimate Maggot Neck, and Chrissssty, the Manor Morons have everything under control. Chrissssty, despite being secretly evil, is delighted to realize Piper thinks she's made progress over the last ten weeks or so, but the smile on her face quickly dies when the lights suddenly dim, the soundtrack grinds to an audible halt, and everyone else in the room slides into a freeze.
Soon enough, Candor pillars up through the sun porch floor. Openly Evil Chrissssty slams her fork down on the table and screams to her feet to spin around and sneer, "What are you doing here?" "Your purpose," Candor sniffily reminds her, "is to lure your sister away from The Charmed Ones, not to become enmeshed yourself!" "I don't need you to tell me how to do my job," Chrissssty snots back. "Now go!" Candor glares at her. "NOW!" Chrissssty repeats. After a moment's more glowering from the sole remaining Triad, Candor drops through the floor, and Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty barely reaches her seat at the table before everything leaps back into motion. "You're practically one of us," Piper picks up where she left off as Phoebe nods in agreement. Neither, of course, notices the abrupt and complete change in Chrissssty's demeanor, nor do they notice her dropped fork and significantly altered physical placement on her chair, despite the fact that Phoebe has been staring directly at her the entire time, because every single goddamned person on this show is a fucking idiot, and I want to die. By the way, the repulsive Psycho also nodded vigorously when Piper yanked that "one of us" nonsense out of her ass, but I'm certain he was thinking, "Yes, yes, yes! One more simpering fool for the slaughter, after which I shall take over the world! Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Meanwhile, Tiny Gay Chris is slouched over in his highchair eyeing his Cheerios with disdain, all, "Whatever, you tedious bitches. Is this shit cancelled yet?" Yes, Tiny Gay Chris! It is! Hooray! Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty, not sharing in my joy, shoots her hostess's dead-eyed sociopath of a son a wary side-eye before vanishing into the opening credits.