Episode Report Card 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Li'l Orphan Retard
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.15.2006
When we return, Raige is lugging one last bag down the stairs to add it to the enormous stack of luggage she's piled in the main hall -- she's moving in with the husband, don't you know -- and, after a little more telepathic bitchery from Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty and a lot more bitchery of the audible and ear-shattering sort from Piper, Raige orbs on out of there. The instant she's gone, Tiny Gay Chris's wails erupt from the floor above to signal the resumption of hostilities in the nursery, so Piper bounds up the stairs to wrangle her endlessly feuding offspring while Chrissssty and The Ultimate Maggot Neck slouch their collective way towards the center parlor. The Ultimate Maggot Neck's hair, by the way, is about eighty-seven different kinds of hot ass this evening, all dark roots and fried, over-bleached split ends that have been teased and poofed out and sprayed into place, and for some bizarre reason, when this scene first aired, the unsightly mess sprouting from her head reminded me of Daffy in "Duck Amuck" after Bugs had turned him into that weird little daisy-headed, flipper-footed, hippo-like...thing, and now, upon freezing the frame, I can kind of understand why. Not only is Cuoco as oddly proportioned as the ludicrous creature in the cartoon, she's also puckering her lips out into a bill. God, I hate this show.
The Sisters Retard blither at each other for a lengthy period of time before revealing their boring little subplot for the evening: Ma and Pa Retard are back in San Francisco for the third time since The Ultimate Maggot Neck rescued Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty from the Underworld, and Maggot Neck really, really wants Chrissssty to have lunch with them. Seems Chrissssty refused to catch up with the parentals the last two times they were in town, and Maggot Neck thinks it's long past time her sister "start[ed] to get to know them." Chrissssty once more resists, because she's still "angry with them" for...you know what? Fuck this stupid-ass subplot. Including tonight's presentation, this show has a mere six episode left. Does anyone -- anyone -- want any part of those six episodes, no matter how small, devoted to these two idiots and their parents, for Christ's sake? Didn't think so. Long story short, Chrissssty feels like Ma and Pa Retard abandoned her. Yawn. Piper arrives from above with the tiny gay one and chirpily suggests lunch. Chrissssty offers her hostess a wan smile before we hear her voice-over bitching, "I swear to God, I think she's trying to kill me!" The screen flares white, dumping us over into...