Episode Report Card 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT Li'l Orphan Retard
By Demian | Season 8 | Episode 17 | Aired on 04.15.2006
Anyway, Rondok howls for Pator to stop the Crispy Critter before the latter gets away, but Candor shouts, "Let him go! Don't you know we're trying to change the world, here? Your witch is nothing compared to that!" "That witch spent a year torturing us," Rondok spits back. "We deserve our revenge!" "And you shall have it," Candor enunciates in carefully condescending tones of voice before growing impatient once more and snorting, "But not here, and not now!" With that, he flings his hands in the lesser demons' directions, hurling them both into mists of dematerialization mojo that evaporate towards points unknown. "Well, then," Candor smiles, regaining his composure. "Back to your sister!" Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty gapes.
The shot cuts to the façade of a very familiar hotel before we dart inside to find Ma Retard fretting, "Why wouldn't she want to see us? I just don't understand!" I don't understand why I'm supposed to care about any of this bullshit at all, so I'll cut to the chase: "If she won't see us now," Pa Retard informs The Ultimate Maggot Neck as a deeply sad flute tootles in the background, "we're not flying out here again." Drama! Tragedy! Not! Shut up, Sad Flute. And you, Pa, should have stuck with Veronica Mars. Is this scene over? Yeah. Bye-bye, Maggot Neck.
Oh, crap. Believe it or not, while plowing through the recap up to this point, I'd forgotten entirely about Phoebe's idiotic, insulting, and obnoxiously repetitive subplot this evening, but now here it is, in all of its non-glory. Joy. Shame, really, because the beginning of it all is rather amusingly choreographed, what with Phoebe attempting repeatedly to dodge Coop's unwanted attentions, only to find him waiting for her wherever she turns. You know, sort of like Death-In-A-Box back in the day. It begins with a tracking shot of Phoebe iPodding her way down a sidewalk with a couple of grocery bags. She disappears behind a taxi and the cab's rooftop billboard in the foreground of the shot for a second, and when she reappears, Victor Webster's striding along behind her. They actually placed him in such a way and angled the camera so he'd be hidden behind both the taxi and a leafy, low-hanging tree branch, but just because you can immediately figure out how they pulled it off doesn't mean it's not a little bit fun. Anyway, he launches into his boring spiel about Phoebe's capital-I Issues with love again, and she blows him off, oblivious to the two adolescent dicksmacks in the background of the shot who have been antically pantomiming squeezing her bony derriere the entire time. The shot cuts to Phoebe entering The Hagquarters with her groceries, and as the camera pans through the room, both Phoebe and the audience find Coop sprawled in a chair, already waiting for her with more of his good-natured needling. She blows him off again, some more, and plows into the boudoir, where Coop, of course, has instantly transplanted himself to lounge on her bed, and I'm sorry, and I don't care who you are: If you find Victor Webster lounging around on your bed, you hit that. Immediately. Hard. Phoebe, even more of an idiot than I ever thought possible, does not hit that immediately and hard, though now that I'm virtually framing my way through the scene, I think I might know why. It appears she actually entered the Hagquarters boudoir to stow a box of just-bought tampons in one of her dresser drawers. Though, you know, the particular physical condition that box implies never stopped her from hopping into the sack before. Then again, she didn't have to clean up after herself that time, now did she?