Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT We'll have an old-fashioned wedding.
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.13.2002
Phoebe nearly passes out when she notes that Raige has not retrieved the wedding gown. Raige tells her to chill; the bridal shop is open late, and Raige intends to swing by on her way to the rehearsal dinner. Piper eases Phoebe into a pew, where Phoebe admits that she's "a little stressed out." Quite expectedly, she wants her special day to be "perfect," with "no glitches -- natural or supernatural" and "no magic." Which of course means her special day will be desperately flawed, with glaring glitches both natural and supernatural, and enough magic to choke a horse. Or a recapper. Phoebe also pointedly notes that she wants "no ghosts," either. She lifts her gaze to the ceiling and bellows, "DO YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND THAT?" A little louder, honey. I don't think Shannen heard you. I've a sneaking suspicion Rose McGowan was thinking the same thing during the filming of this scene, because a priceless sneer flits across her face during her reaction shot. Piper calms Phoebe, assuring her, "By this time tomorrow, you and Cole will be joined in holy matrimony."
Down in Hell, D'Eartha hisses at Cole, "Holy matrimony will be the worst possible thing that could happen." Her occluded eyes clear as she continues, "It will keep you from ever reigning as The Source." And why is that, exactly? Is there some rule in Hell like the one in the United Kingdom that forbids marriage between an heir to the throne and a Catholic or a divorcée? Or do the hounds of Hell simply object to The Source marrying furrily forearmed dimwits? Needless to say, it's never explained. Also, it's not the only bit of incomprehensible exposition in this scene. I won't attempt to lead you through the tangled dialogue step-by-step, as I'm not entirely certain I understand all of it myself. The contorted reasoning seems to be that Phoebe is bad for Cole, except for the times when she's good for him. I've dated people like that. I think. Like I said, I'm not sure I know what each is arguing to the other. What appears to be clear is that a "white wedding" would destroy Cole's rep with the various dark demonic forces he intends to rule. It should also be clear to even the most occasional of viewers that a white wedding would be the height of hypocrisy as far as Freebie is concerned. In any event, some sort of wedding between Cole and Phoebe is in order, as D'Eartha sees a son in their future -- "the most powerful child the magical world has ever seen." However, if that child is the product of the planned "holy" union, the child's powers will forever be linked to the forces of good. Cole must manage to marry Phoebe in a "dark way" to ensure that the child will be "the heir to [his] kingdom," rather than "the heir to their destiny." My brain hurts. Why would The Source -- or more specifically, The Agglomeration Formerly Known As The Source -- need an heir? Can't TAFKATS float around and infect whomever it chooses at will once its existing host has been vanquished? Last time I checked, Hell wasn't lacking in prospective hosts for TAFKATS should Cole bite the big one. This would make some sense were Cole still half-demon, but as far as has been established, Cole's basically some poor human schmuck who got sucked into this whole "I am the vessel" shtick. So why is it imperative for him to mix his little schmucky genes with Phoebe's little idiot ones?