Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT We'll have an old-fashioned wedding.
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.13.2002
Out in the hallway, Raige emerges from the bathroom and crosses to the chair she's placed by Phoebe's door to continue stitching away at the wedding dress. She overhears The Sole's mutterings just as The Sole completes them. Phoebe's face mask flares up a little as Raige gently twists open the doorknob. The Sole, alerted to Raige's entrance by the clicking of the latch, morphs into Piper just as Raige enters the Boudoir. Um, how did he know it was Raige in the hallway? I realize the answer is likely to be, "Because if he didn't know it was her and he morphed into Raige as Raige herself was entering the room, this episode would be over before the second commercial break and we still have ads for thetruth.com, Showtime, Wendy's Garden Sensations Salads, Coffee-Mate Coffee Creamer, Reba on The WB's Friday Night, Toyota's Nationwide Spring Event, Nokia 33-60 Phones with AT&T Wireless Service, and CarMax the Auto Superstore to shove down your throat, asshole, so shut the fuck up and just go with it." I thought I should ask nevertheless. Raige wonders why Piper is in the Bimbo Boudoir. I'm going to have to call her The Pole, aren't I? Fine. The Pole shushes Raige and leads her out into the hallway, where she asks, "How many actresses does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Kidding. The Pole chides Raige for taking a bathroom break while on demon watch, like Raige is supposed to pee into a Coke can or something, and moves on towards the Bridal Boudoir. The Pole pauses to add, "And whatever you do, don't fall asleep." Raige solemnly nods at this exhortation. The Pole twists her hand around in the air, and Raige immediately passes out in her chair. The Pole smirks at this and continues into Piper's room, where she waves a hand over Piper's sleeping head. Piper's face glows to indicate that the coma mojo has infected her as well. The Pole blazes out in triumph.
Bimbo Boudoir, the following morning. Phoebe stirs, squints at the sunlight streaming in through the curtains, and glances at the clock. To Phoebe's horror, the clock reads 11:07. She bolts upright in bed, then springs out into the hallway, berating Raige for failing to rouse her. Does your clock not have a goddamn alarm? Bitch. Phoebe clomps into the bathroom to wash her face as Raige rises groggily from her chair and Piper staggers into the hallway looking ten kinds of hungover. Phoebe shrieks and emerges from the bathroom with a rash of acne covering her forehead, cheeks, and chin. She howls in fury at Raige and lurches into her bedroom, muttering darkly about the spell Raige supposedly cast on the Heaven In A Jar. Phoebe blubbers at her vanity while Piper urges everyone to breathe. Raige, meanwhile, takes umbrage at Phoebe's suggestion that Raige is intentionally sabotaging the ceremony. Why is Phoebe so quick to blame her? "Face it, Phoebe," Raige snits, "this wedding has been filled with nothing but bad omens from the start." "And they all seem to be connected to you, now don't they?" Phoebe shoots back. Piper steps between the snarling, uh, witches, and assures Phoebe that make-up should cover the acne. Raige snorts derisively: "There's not enough spackle in the world to fill those craters." Phoebe leaps to her feet, ready to toss Raige out the window. Raige tells her to cram it. Raige will prove she has no intention of sabotaging the ceremony, and quickly recites the following oft-used spell: