Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT We'll have an old-fashioned wedding.
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.13.2002
Bimbo Boudoir. Piper and the atrocity on Phoebe's head enter, with the rest of Phoebe tagging along for the scene. It looks like someone skinned a marmoset, tossed the pelt into a blender set on puree, and stapled the results onto Phoebe's scalp. Piper tells The Atrocity that she will take the first demon shift of the evening herself; Raige will take the second. Raige is also to ensure that The Atrocity is up in time to prepare for the ceremony. Phoebe nods her head. The Atrocity lurches back and forth in concert with its host's movements. Raige enters and presents The Atrocity with a container of soothing face cream that Raige calls "Heaven In A Jar." The Atrocity has little use for face cream, what with being a mangled clump of animal skin and all, but its host appreciates the gesture. Raige notes the face cream contains "patchouli oil for balance and confidence and chamomile to relax [the] nervous system." I understand that Raige is a recovering boozehound, but wouldn't a smart, stiff cocktail have the same effect? Also, patchouli? Just screams "lesbian of a certain age." And while I'm at it: Ick. Raige apologizes again for the purported mix-up with the dress, and exits after exchanging an embrace with The Atrocity's host.
Piper takes this opportunity to lecture Phoebe on the necessity of maintaining realistic expectations for the day to come. Phoebe's recently-revealed childhood Cinderella fantasy is mentioned and dismissed in favor of Piper waxing nostalgic for her own ceremony a year ago. You know, the one ruined by The Late Lamented tooling out of the Manor on the back of Bobby Briggs's Harley? Piper notes that after all the trouble she went through to make the ceremony happen, the actual hand-fasting was "a total blur." What matters -- and what she wants Phoebe to understand -- is that in the end, the only truly important thing about a wedding is that "you marry the guy that you love. If you manage to do that, your wedding was perfect." Hork. I mean, Holly Marie Combs sold the hell out of this little moment, but Christ on a stick. I'm about to lapse into diabetic shock.
Later that evening, The Sole blazes into the Bimbo Boudoir. The lady of the room is lost in sleep, a half-pound of Heaven In A Jar slathered across her face. The Sole approaches the bed with his velvet pouch of powdered mischief, and sprinkles some of the dust onto Phoebe's face. He chants gibberish Latin as he does so, to the tune of "sumum supplicium diabolus infernum invocatio paganus sacrificium." That doesn't make any sense even if you translate it from the supposed root words. "We call upon the devils of hell to invoke the pagan sacrifice"? What? ["Seriously. Ordinarily I'd try to bring my Latin-geek powers to bear here, but there's not even a verb in that sequence, from what I can tell." -- Sars]