Episode Report Card Demian: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT We'll have an old-fashioned wedding.
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 15 | Aired on 03.13.2002
The Impressive Clergyman actually opens with the standard "dearly beloved" stuff. Just as the service gets going, Coolio blows into the back of the church next to InvisiRaige. "Oh, no," she mutters, and hoists a handy candlestick in the air. She clubs Coolio on the back of his head and pushes him out onto the portico. InvisiRaige slams the chapel doors shut behind her just as the Impressive Clergyman gets to the part about speaking now or forever holding one's peace. The participants pause for a moment at the noise, but the service continues. Outside, Coolio slams InvisiRaige through another door and into the bridesmaids' locker room. The sound invades the chapel, and Piper volunteers to check it out. "Keep going," she smiles with a casually dismissive wave of her hand. She scurries up the aisle as the assembled extras mumble amongst themselves. Soon enough, we hear Raige shout, "Get away from her!" The Dolt politely excuses himself and hustles his ass out to the locker room. The Impressive Clergyman soldiers on, asking, "Who gives this woman to this man today?" Daddy Dearest gamely jumps to his feet to announce, "Her sisters and I do." Piper chooses this moment to scream, "You son of a bitch!" The Dolt also yells as it becomes clear that large quantities of glass are being broken nearby. Phoebe drops her bouquet at the foot of the altar and races to the back of the church with The Sole hot on her heels. Darryl and Daddy Dearest gape.
Locker room. Phoebe and The Sole stumble in just as Coolio smacks up the Dolt with a little TK. Phoebe advances on Coolio as Piper struggles to rise to her feet. Coolio raises an armchair above his head in order to brain Phoebe with it. The Sole cries, "Stop!" Coolio stands there like an idiot with the chair hovering somewhere above his puckered lips. Piper takes this opportunity to blow him up. Coolio dissolves into a dirt pile on the plush carpeting. Phoebe immediately asks for InvisiRaige. No one can locate her in the locker room ruins -- not even the Dolt. He can't "get a read on her," which means "her heart must have stopped beating." The Sole spots a puddle of blood slowly pooling outwards from an unseen source on the flooring near the windows. The Dolt hops on over and applies the tingly touch to the air above the bloodstain. The Impressive Clergyman bursts into the locker room with Darryl to demand, "What the hell is going on in here?" "That's it!" Phoebe wails, tearing the veil from her head. "The wedding is off! Tell everyone to get out of here -- go!" She shoves the priest and the cop outside and slams the door behind them. Piper, The Sole, and the Dolt stare at Phoebe as she pants and gasps and blinks her way into the commercial.
Our Lady Of The Dead Heathers. Aftermath. Piper paces down the aisle from the altar with her cell phone pressed to her ear, instructing the caterer to drop both the food and the bill off at the Manor. Phoebe stands next to The Sole, bundled in a coat, bitching about the disaster that is her life. Piper asks Raige if she's feeling any better. A very visible yet still naked Raige admits from the depths of a blanket that she's "still a little shaky." The Dolt opines that they're all lucky to be alive. Raige wonders why Coolio stopped what he was doing when The Sole ordered him to do so. The Sole slyly supposes that Coolio was merely startled someone had the nerve to yell at him. Together, the gang surmises that Raige is now visible because the Eeevil magic worked its intended effect. The wedding was canceled; therefore, the demonic need for outbreaks of acne and enlarged gowns and invisibility vanished. Piper makes mention of the dust pile also known as Coolio. The Sole offers to bury it in a nearby cemetery. Piper objects, noting that, should the freeze she cast on Coolio's remains wear off before Cole can get him in the ground, Cole "will be as defenseless as a cat toy." The Ps plus the Dolt insist on accompanying him. "Fine by me," says The Sole, though it's clear he's lying.