Episode Report Card Demian: C | 178 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 2003.05.11
A two-hour season finale? For Charmed? They can kiss my ass. With the editing this double episode so desperately needed, the whole thing could have come in at half its eventual running time. Jackholes.
The usual clot of dot-bomb yuppies plugs up the entrance of P3. Down near the bar, Phoebe appears to be enjoying a blind date, cooing things like, "You're everything Elise promised and more!" I do hope you weren't tricked into believing she'd given up on Chronic so quickly, because this bit of misdirection is about a subtle as a posse of egregiously white North Shore gangsta-bitch cheerleaders smearing pig shit and paint on a gaggle of brain-dead simps while underage jock drunks tape the whole thing for FOX. Phoebe's actually trying to enlist this Evan person for a charity bachelor auction sponsored by her newspaper. By the way, Phoebe's hideous crimped hairdon't and ghastly overdone face make her look like Madonna, if Madonna fell into a K-hole and set up camp there for about thirteen years. After a bit of non-flirtatious non-banter, Joe Firestone accepts Phoebe's proffered pen and signs up to be "auctioned off like a side of beef." Don't flatter yourself, tool.
Meanwhile, Raige is having considerably less luck snagging a bachelor of her own, because her breasts have migrated to her waist and now resemble nothing so much as a protruding roll of belly fat. Or maybe she's preoccupied with the awful nightmares plaguing her sleep this week. Your choice. "Have you been having any end-of-the-world, fire-and-brimstone, doomsday dreams lately?" she asks her guy. He thinks she's some kind of Pentecostal headcase freak, and flees. Phoebe sidles over to chide Raige for frightening the bachelors rather than flirting with them, noting that despite Chronic's move to Hong Kong, she herself has still managed to sign up six guys. Raige whatevers -- God love her -- and tells Phoebe about her strange dreams of "ancient wars and weird magic." Phoebe wonders what gives. Raige doesn't receive premonitions, so why would she be worried about a few nightmares? Raige agrees that it could be a simple matter of "hormones," but stresses that it might also be her "subconscious trying to tell [her] something." Yeah, it's telling you, "Get the hell off this show before it ruins whatever hope you had of a legitimate career." Phoebe gifts her half-sister with A Look Of Concern.
The camera cuts to a shot of the glittering waterfront before scampering backwards beneath the Golden Gate Bridge and far out to sea. After pausing to take in the glimmering city in the distance, the camera super-speeds backwards again to land…somewhere else. There's an abundance of white stuff, and the camera was headed towards the southwest, so I suppose we're in Antarctica. Deep beneath the surface in a torch-lit ice chamber, a dark demonic force glowers at a pair of frozen-over niches in the wall. He looks a bit like John Malkovich, were John Malkovich ever to, you know, eat something already. After a moment, Brawny John kneels in the snow, unrolls a piece of parchment, and recites the following twice: