Episode Report Card Demian: C | 178 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 2003.05.11
Raige tosses a vanquishing vial into Boobarella's right one. Boobarella barely flinches before training her stony gaze on hapless, foolhardy Raige. Phoebe breaks the connection momentarily with a vanquishing vial of her own, but Boobarella simply TKs the Feebs across the room into a table. As Phoebe lands -- and lands hard, mind you -- a glowy cloud of orbs materializes above her, and every goddamn gaydar in North America blares simultaneously when a tousle-haired twentysomething with überfag sunglasses emerges form the cloud to scream, "Don't look at her!" This terribly sensitive young man whips one vial after another into Boobarella's torso until Boobarella wordlessly concedes defeat and spins away. If there's a joke to be made about Boobarella's most prominent assets having little effect on the new arrival, you'll have to make it yourself. Once Boobarella has left the building, the sensitive young man gallantly helps Phoebe to her feet, asking if she's all right. Phoebe just gawps at him for a moment before turning to discover Papier Mâché Raige, petrified on the carpet. "Oh, my God," Phoebe breathes as the camera tracks in on the tacky replica of Rose McGowan before cutting away to commercial.
Attic. Aftermath. "Don't worry," the sensitive young lad tells the Feebs, who's gazing with dismay upon the tacky replica of Rose McGowan. "She's all right," he adds, before amending, "Well, she's not completely all right, but she's not dead." Phoebe remains speechless, so the sensitive youth continues, a bit conspiratorially, "Frankly, you see this sort of thing a lot -- in museums, universities, town centers. Most of those statues? Aren't really statues. They're people like your sister here who've been turned into stone." Phoebe, still gaping, finally manages to choke out, "Who are you?" "Chris Perry," comes the answer. "I'm from the future," he admits a bit reluctantly, understanding how unlikely that sounds. At this moment, I'd like to remind you all of the prominent mid-'80s survey that determined forty-two-percent of all gay men were named Chris. Of course, that survey was conducted by HBO's Not Necessarily The News, but to this day, I find its conclusions remarkably accurate. Piper stumbles into the attic at this juncture to gasp, "Oh! My! God! Tell me that's just a really good likeness of [Raige]." I'd love to, darling, but I can't, because it's not a terribly good likeness at all. It looks more like Lauryn freaking Hill, for Christ's sake. Phoebe crosses to Piper's side as Big Gay Chris and his dangerous eyebrows get frisky with the exposition. He was sent back to alter the past by a person or persons who must remain anonymous for the time being. You see, prior to his time-hopping intervention, history showed that Raige died when Boobarella attacked the attic. In fact, Raige became the Titans' "third Whitelighter victim." This, of course, meant the destruction of the Power of Three, and with the Charmed Ones out of the way, the Titans went on to rule the earth, the moon turned the color of blood, cats lay down with dogs, yada, yada, blah. You get the picture. Piper absorbs Chris's story, then bellows for the Dolt, who orbs in immediately. "How many Whitelighters are missing?" Piper demands. The Dolt confirms that a second one dropped off the supernatural radar since last he spoke with the wife. Big Gay Chris wiggles his eyebrows. "Believe me now?" he asks. Before anyone can answer, a vase shatters in the house below. Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt head off to investigate, leaving Big Gay Chris alone with Tacky Raige. I suppose I could mention that in the original script for this episode, Big Gay Chris correctly predicted what the Manor Morons would find downstairs. For some reason, that line was cut.