Episode Report Card Demian: C | 178 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 2003.05.11
Piper once more makes with the rudeness and the bitchery, and just as I'm about to hurl a brick through the television set, Freaky Tiny Iguana Lady toddles in from the kitchen with a piece of cold chicken from the fridge. She explains that the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures sensed the Titan threat long before the Glamorous Ladies did, and so journeyed to the Manor to offer their assistance. Upon hearing The Woefully Neglected Done One's miserable sniveling pouring down the stairs from the Bridal Boudoir, Freaky Tiny Iguana Lady volunteers herself for nanny duty, and flares upstairs in a hyperactive haze of green. Piper's momentarily outraged by Iguana Lady's sassy audacity, but suddenly remembers that they left Big Gay Chris alone in the attic. She intends to "see what Future Boy is up to" herself, so she orders the Dolt after Freaky Tiny Iguana Lady and sends the Feebs to tend to the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures on the sun porch. Heh. I want to type something like, "Upon Phoebe's arrival, the already overstressed sun porch collapsed under the massive weight of the collective stupidity bearing down upon the floorboards. There were no survivors." And I guess I just did. That's a whole lot of stoopid on the sun porch, kids.
Up in the attic, Big Gay Chris leafs through the Book. Piper enters to shriek, "What are you doing?" Big Gay Chris is all, "Chill out, Mom. I'm just trying to find a way to free Stone Cold [Raige] over there." Or maybe he just says that second sentence, but when Piper insists that he "step away," Big Gay Chris is all, "Mom, please. Like I haven't looked at this before?" Okay, so he didn't say all of that, either. Shut up. Piper just stares him down until Chris relinquishes control while tossing his hands in the air and pouting, "What-ever!" "But you should update the Goblins entry," he dishes as he takes a seat. "'Cause trust me: It's gonna get ugly!" Piper clenches, and I'm never going to make it through this scene if I highlight every clue they're tossing out regarding their relationship and his sexual orientation, so just assume this: Every time Big Gay Chris opens his mouth, a subtextual "Mom" pops out, followed by a cunning Kate Spade handbag. Big Gay Chris explains that the Glamorous Ladies can't vanquish the Titans with the Power of Three, and then proceeds to lay a little history on Momma's behind. The last time the Titans posed a threat to the natural world, the ever-useless Elders had to infuse a group of mortals "with a hell of a lot of power." These enhanced humans were able to imprison the Titans, but after the powers bestowed upon them drove them somewhat insane, "they declared themselves gods and forced the world to worship them," and the ever-useless Elders "swore they would never let that happen again." "Hang on a second," Piper tells him. "I'm having a ninth-grade flashback. Are you talking about the Greek gods -- Zeus, Athena, Aphrodite?" Big Gay Chris nods his big gay head and adds that the missing mortals-and-Elders connection "is not the only inaccuracy" in the old myths. Damn. Drew Fuller's got some nice eyes. Now if he could only do something about his iffy line readings.