Episode Report Card Demian: C | 178 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 2003.05.11
Back in the chamber, Phoebe and Raige splutter as they dig their way out of the snow. "An earthquake!" Raige enthuses. "Did I call it or, what?" Phoebe shoots Raige a wicked side-eye and snits, "Did I mention this sucks?" Blow it out your ass, Phoebe. This crap is nothing compared to the endless nonsense that follows. Two hours. Why me? Raige ignores the Feebs while the Feebs herself slouches glumly into the commercial break.
Manor attic. Phoebe, wrapped in a blanket, shivers and moans while Raige abuses the Book of Shadows in a futile search for the "ancient-looking" people from Phoebe's premonition. Just as Piper enters to wonder what gives, the Dolt orbs in with news that one of his brethren has suddenly and inexplicably disappeared. Raige connects the dots and insists that the Whitelighter's disappearance has something to do with what she and Phoebe encountered in the ice chamber. "You were in an ice cave?" the Dolt asks warily, and while I ignored that line the first time it flew by, its implications became clear upon the second viewing -- the damn Dolt knows exactly what's going on as far as the Titans are concerned, though why he chooses not to inform the others at this point is beyond my understanding. It's also beyond my ability to care, really, but let's keep this moving, shall we? Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt move to clear their respective schedules to focus on emergent situation, but Piper selfishly and stupidly insists that they carry on as usual until instructed otherwise. She does allow the Dolt to head back to Whitelighterland, to convey Raige's sage advice that a temporary moratorium be placed on the whole orbing thing until the mystery of the missing Whitelighter has been solved. Thanks for that bit of magnanimity, Piper. The Dolt promises to catch up with the wife at couples' counseling later that afternoon, and orbs out.
Whitelighterland. They've either redecorated since last we visited, or this is some new and exciting bathhouse-themed area of Heaven we've never seen before. The Dolt arrives amid various clicking Elder-types, all of whom sport dreadful gold-toned velour robes. The Dolt crosses to a middle-aged Elder of color who's clicking with a twentysomething Tom Cruise clone, and you can make your own Tom-Cruise-in-a-bathhouse joke, because I refuse to be sued. The clone, incidentally, is even more unpleasant than the original, if that's at all possible. The Dolt asks for an update on the situation, only to be shot down by the Cruise-alike, who snaps something about super-secret Elder information and the Dolt's lack of high-level clearance. The Dolt snaps back that he already knows the bizarre weather patterns and earthquakes are linked to something larger, and adds that Raige's "instincts" have been warning her all week that things were going awry on a global scale. The Cruise-alike snots something insipid in return. The elder Elder tells Tom Cruise to stop being such a pissy, punk-ass bitch, then draws the Dolt aside for a private chat. The Dolt mentions Raige's suggestion regarding the orbing moratorium, with which Elder Squared agrees. Elder Elder Bo Belder then instructs the Dolt to return to the Manor to ensure that the Glamorous Ladies focus on the problem at hand. When the Dolt wonders if Banana Fana Fo Felder is worried, Fee Fi Mo Melder simply chuckles, "At the end of the day, even we can't change what's meant to be. Just remember that no matter what happens, you must always follow your instincts, too." The Dolt tries to take all of this in, but his weeny little brain quickly overheats and he drops to the ground to flail about, gasping and foaming at the mouth. Okay, not really, but Christ on a stick. Would something happen already?