Episode Report Card Demian: C | 178 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 22 | Aired on 2003.05.11
Emergo dormio
Libertas caeles dicio
You know what's absolutely horrific? After three years of listening to all the Craptin they spew on this show, I'm now fluent in it. In case you aren't, Brawny John just ordered the two ice-encased figures to "emerge from sleep, free from heaven's dictates." After a moment, the low-grade explosives the effects crew embedded in the set erupt outwards, and the concussion blast flips Brawny John over to the far side of the chamber. Two Xena refugees step out of the niches to take a look around. More on them in a moment, though, because Brawny John's way stoked. He rises to his feet, exposits that the Xenas were entombed in the ice for the better part of three millennia, and announces his intention to harness their super-fabulous powers so he can rule the Underworld. Xena Boy sporks Brawny John's presumptuous ass with a massive bolt of electricity from his left hand. Brawny John screams and flames off to The Waste Land, leaving behind a tidy pile of ash at the center of a black smear on the snow. "Imbecile," Xena Boy sneers. Xena Girl promptly horns up, purrs, "I love it when you smite so unexpectedly," and hikes her tongue down his throat. Xena Boy pushes her away to note they must "find Cronus" first. What, is this guy into threeways or something? "Do we have to?" Xena Girl simpers. "You know he'll be furious." "I. Am. Counting on it!" Xena Boy menaces before the two togaed twits vanish into the opening credits.
Opening travelogue. As the sun rises over the city, some brain-damaged alt-rock ovary howls something about jogging naked through the park while she burns letters and yells out her heart before she finally wails, "I am extraordinary if you ever get to know me." No, honey. You're insane. Cram it. By the way, I became unnecessarily excited as the guest stars' names scrolled by at the bottom of the screen, for one of this evening's gentlemen callers is named "Will Kempe." "Oooh, baby," thought I. "It's that hot piece of ass from Swan Lake and Car Man and the Gap ads, right?" Wrong. The hot piece of ass is Will Kemp. Tonight's gentleman caller is best known for One Life To Live and Baywatch Nights. Dammit!